The Joke's on Selby Read online

  ‘Life doesn’t always have to be sad, Camilla,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, how I wish I could just talk to her and tell her that she’s the one who’s making herself sad. I’ve got it!’ Selby thought again. ‘Maybe I could get Camilla and Gary Gaggs together. They’d be perfect for each other.’

  With this, Selby jumped down and ran back to the school. He ducked into an empty classroom and found some paper and a pencil. And this is what Selby wrote:

  I have always liked you. Please come away and talk to me. I will wait for you at the park at the end of the street.

  Your friend,

  Camilla

  PS: Please tear this note up and never mention it to anyone.

  ‘Now all I have to do is give it to Gary,’ Selby thought.

  The filming had started again in the library. This time Dino was acting very shy and using the words from the script as Gary Gaggs and a hundred others watched quietly.

  It was a stealthy Selby who sneaked up to slip the note into Gary’s hand.

  ‘Bonnie, darling, we’re going to get that hair of yours moving, okay?’ the director called. ‘Okay, keep the scene going you two. Hey, somebody turn on the wind machine.’

  With Gary’s hand hanging down to his side, Selby sneaked up from behind and slipped the note between his fingers. He then ducked back into the crowd, unnoticed. But just as the note touched Gary’s hand, the wind came up and blew it away. It tumbled over and over on the ground …

  Gary looked down at his hand to see what had touched it and then raced forward, snatching the note from the floor. He read it in silence before turning to see if he could catch a glimpse of the mysterious messenger.

  ‘What’s he going to do?’ Selby thought. ‘Come on, Gary! Go to the park!’

  Gary read the note again. After the third time he tore it up and hurried off down the street.

  ‘Yessssssssssssss!’ Selby hissed as he ran after Gary. ‘It worked!’

  Gary found Camilla sitting on the bench.

  ‘Camilla,’ he said.

  ‘Gary?’ she said back.

  ‘I don’t know quite how to put this.’

  ‘What is it, Gary?’

  ‘Well I–I … ‘

  ‘Yes, Gary?’

  ‘What a lovely dress you’re wearing.’

  ‘Do you like it?’

  ‘Yes and I like you too,’ Gary said very quickly.

  ‘Oh, Gary,’ Camilla gushed.

  ‘When I wrote the script for the film I was thinking of you.’

  ‘You were? I was the librarian? I was Bonnie Blake?’

  ‘Yes, and guess who the man who really wanted a girlfriend was? Me. I can get up and tell jokes to hundreds of people but I’m really very shy. I was too shy to tell you how much I liked you. That’s what made me think of the story for the film,’ Gary explained. ‘And now … well, here we are.’

  ‘Yes, we are, Gary,’ Camilla said, reaching out and taking his hands in hers. ‘You’re such a lovely person. And you have such a wonderful sense of humour. Could you tell me a joke?’

  ‘Sure. Do you know how scientists weigh whales?’

  ‘No, how do they, Gary?’

  ‘They take them to a whale weigh station,’ Gary said with a great laugh. And then he put his thumbs in his armpits and strutted around like a chicken saying, ‘Woo woo woo! Sorry, but I like to do that when I tell a joke.’

  ‘I love it!’ Camilla said. ‘Tell me another one.’

  ‘Did you hear the one about the bloke who put egg whites in his gun? He wanted to make a boom-meringue. Get it? Woo woo woo!’ Gary said. ‘Get it?’

  ‘Boom-meringue?’ Camilla said. ‘Oh, I get it.’

  ‘I don’t get it,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, I know, you make meringues with egg whites! That’s great!’

  ‘How about the two ants who ran away and secretly got married? They were ant-elopes. Woo woo woo! Then there was this train that liked to eat all the time. It was a chew chew train. Woo woo woo!’

  ‘This is fantabulous!’ Selby thought as he trotted off towards home. ‘Gary’s jokes are wonderful! He’s the perfect guy for Camilla. I’m sure they’ll make each other very happy.’

  And so it was that Gary Gaggs and Camilla Bonzer fell in love and had a wonderful time together.

  Gary looked down at his hand to see what had touched it and then raced forward. But he was too late. The paper made its way between the legs of the camera crew and lodged in the open copy of Even You Can Act that lay at Dino’s feet.

  ‘Cut!’ the director called. ‘That’s a wrap for the day. Okay, kids, you were great. Your limos will pick you up at six tomorrow morning.’

  Dino picked up the book and saw the note.

  ‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘He’ll think it’s from Camilla to him.’

  Dino read the note and then tore it up, throwing the pieces on the floor.

  ‘He’s torn it up. Good,’ Selby thought. ‘Now to write another one and get it to Gary Gaggs. Hmmm, how will I do it?’

  Selby was just searching for more paper and another pencil when he noticed Dino hurrying off down the street towards Bogusville Park.

  ‘I can’t believe it! He’s going to be nasty to Camilla again!’ Selby thought. ‘But not if I have anything to say about it! I’ll fix that useless little twerp!’

  Selby raced after Dino but didn’t catch up to him until the actor had reached the park bench where Camilla sat weeping.

  ‘Camilla,’ he said.

  ‘Dino?????’ she said back.

  ‘I don’t know quite how to put this.’

  ‘What is it, Dino?’

  ‘Well I–I … ‘

  ‘Yes, Dino?’

  ‘What a lovely dress you’re wearing.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘I’m really here to apologise for being so rude to you,’ Dino said very quickly. ‘It was unforgivable. I was just so tense because I couldn’t play my part in the movie. Bonnie was right, I really didn’t know how to do anything but play myself.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have said anything,’ Camilla said. ‘It’s just that I really wanted to meet you.’

  ‘That book saved my life,’ Dino said. ‘I had a look at it during our break. It’s true that it was aimed at kids but some of the things it said about acting were … how can I say this?’

  ‘You learned some important things, did you?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Well, you’re forgiven, Dino,’ Camilla said. ‘I think we’ve both learned something important today. I learned that I shouldn’t fall in love with mega-super-movie stars.’

  ‘Camilla …?’ Dino said.

  ‘Yes, Dino?’ Camilla said back.

  ‘I think I love you.’

  ‘You do? How is that possible?’ Camilla said, taking his hand in hers.

  ‘I don’t know but that’s how I feel. Would you like to come dancing with me tonight? That lovely dress would be perfect to wear to a fancy nightclub.’

  ‘But there aren’t any fancy nightclubs in Bogusville, Dino. There aren’t even any un-fancy ones.’

  ‘I have my private jet. We could fly off to the city and dance till dawn. How about it, Camilla?’

  ‘Oh, Dino, Dino, Dino, of course I’d love to. This is my dream come true.’

  For a moment Camilla and Dino stood, hand in hand, looking into each other’s eyes.

  ‘Well,’ Selby thought, ‘this wasn’t exactly how the note was supposed to work but it certainly did. Oh, isn’t it lovely (sigh) that Camilla’s wish came true.’

  And so it was that Dino diSwarve and Camilla Bonzer danced the night away. When the movie was finished they moved to Hollywood, where Dino continued to be a mega-super-star and where Camilla started a library for movie stars and filled it with books about movies and acting and actors.

  Author’s note: That’s the way Selby told me this story. He told me both endings. When I begged him to tell me how it really ended he said, ‘Take your pick.’ Only when I told him that I wasn
’t going to put it in this book did he tell me the real ending. Believe it or not, the real ending was the one about Camilla and Dino getting together. But there was more to it.

  After a while Camilla got tired of Dino and tired of living in Hollywood. She started her library but found out that actors never came in to borrow books — they were too busy going to the movies and watching TV. She left Dino and moved back to Bogusville, where she and Gary Gaggs fell in love.

  Well that’s what Selby told me so I guess I have to believe it.

  * Paw note: For more about me and Bonnie, read the story ‘Selby Lovestruck’ in the book Selby Snowbound.

  BOGUSVILLE’S BIG BELLY-BUSTER BASH

  ‘The computer has done it again!’ Selby thought. ‘It just scrambled all my emails! Now they have the wrong addresses on them. How will I answer them? I hate this computer! When are the Trifles going to get a new one?’

  Selby was taking a big risk. Mrs Trifle was at home and if she saw him using the computer his secret would be out. But he was very behind in answering his emails from kids.

  ‘I’ve got to at least make a copy of the ones that aren’t scrambled,’ Selby said, getting a disk out of a drawer and putting it on the desk.

  Suddenly the doorbell rang. Selby heard Mrs Trifle’s footsteps coming out of the bedroom and down the hall.

  ‘Come on Scrambler, die!’ Selby thought. With this Selby snapped the Shut Down button with a toenail. ‘Quick! She’s coming!’

  The computer screen faded to a dot just as Mrs Trifle walked by. All she saw was Selby lying innocently on the chair.

  ‘Gary! How nice to see you!’ she cried as she opened the front door to her old friend Gary Gaggs. ‘Is something wrong?’ she asked.

  ‘It’s this friend of mine,’ Gary said.

  ‘What? What happened to him?’

  ‘He was dying of thirst in the desert,’ Gary explained. ‘He rang me on his mobile phone.’

  ‘And what did you do?’

  ‘I sent him a get-well card.’

  ‘A get-well card? What good is that?’

  ‘It was perfect: he got a well, had a long drink, and now he’s okay,’ Gary laughed. ‘Get it? Hey, I got you that time! Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Oh, I love this guy’s jokes!’ Selby thought, trying not to laugh out loud. ‘He’s soooooooo funny!’ ‘Oh, Gary,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘That joke was terrible!’

  ‘Seriously,’ Gary said, ‘this morning I found a kangaroo that had fallen into a hole and hurt itself.’

  ‘Did you?’

  ‘Yes, I took him to the vet for a hoperation. Get it, a hoperation?’

  ‘That’s worse than the first joke,’ Mrs Trifle laughed.

  ‘The vet ended up covered in fleas.’

  ‘Did he really?’

  ‘So then he had to start from scratch! Get it?’

  ‘Oh, no! He had to start from scratch,’ Selby thought as he covered his smile with his paw. ‘That’s great!’

  ‘Oh, Gary,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Thanks for coming. I really needed cheering up. I’m ready to quit my job.’

  ‘But why? You’re the best mayor Bogusville has ever had.’

  Mrs Trifle heaved a sigh. ‘I can’t deal with all the problems. It’s not just Bogusville’s problems. I’m expecting the mayor of Poshfield at any minute.’

  ‘Who, Denis Dorset? Dismal Denis? The dullest mayor in the bush?’ Gary said. ‘What does he want?’

  ‘He wants us to pay to fix the road from here to Poshfield.’

  ‘Don’t do it,’ Gary said. ‘Poshfield is rich. Let them pay for their own road.’

  ‘That’s what upsets me,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘The law says that we have to do it because most of the road is in Bogusville. I just don’t know where we’re going to get the money.’

  ‘Which is exactly why I’m here,’ Gary said, handing Mrs Trifle a computer disk. ‘This is going to make Bogusville rich.’

  Mrs Trifle read the label. ‘Joke Fest?’ she said. ‘What’s this?’

  ‘Pop it into the computer and have a look,’ Gary said.

  Selby watched Mrs Trifle as she turned on the computer and inserted the disk. A page came up on the screen that said:

  Bogusville’s Big Belly-Buster Bash

  The first ever country joke festival

  ‘A joke festival?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Is this your idea?’

  ‘Yes. Some towns have flower festivals, some have arts festivals, and some have music festivals. But how many have joke festivals? Let’s have one in Bogusville. People will come from all over and spend lots of money.’

  ‘It sounds good,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘but we’ll need money to start with. We’ll have to hire a big tent and chairs and all those festival things. We’ll have to order lots of food and drinks.’

  ‘Borrow it from the bank. You’ll make it all back. Then Bogusville will be rich! And all the people from Poshfield will wish they lived here.’

  ‘It’s a good idea, Gary,’ she said, pacing around the room. ‘But how about hiring comedians?’

  ‘You don’t need comedians,’ Gary said. ‘On this disk are my very best jokes. I’ve spent a lifetime collecting them. The people of Bogusville can tell them.’

  ‘Who, for instance?’

  ‘Anyone who wants to. You could tell some.’

  ‘Me? I can’t tell a joke to save my life.’

  ‘Of course you can. These jokes are so good they practically tell themselves. They’re absolutely people-proof.’

  ‘But it takes so long to memorise things.’

  ‘The people who tell you the news on TV don’t memorise it. They read it from a little screen. Have a look.’

  Selby watched as Gary Gaggs showed Mrs Trifle the jokes. There were two columns. On the left were the jokes and on the right were all the punchlines.

  ‘We’ll put the computer where only the person telling the jokes can see it,’ Gary said. ‘Go ahead, give it a go.’

  ‘Let me see now,’ Mrs Trifle began. ‘"I used to work as a vet in an aquarium. One day I wanted to see how much the whale weighed, so guess what —?"’

  ‘Now read the bit on the right,’ Gary said. ‘That’s the punchline.’

  ‘Okay. “I took it to a whale weigh station.” Oh, I get it, a railway station — a whale weigh station. That’s good, Gary, but I already heard it from Camilla.’

  ‘Try another one,’ Gary said. ‘This time say it loud and proud.’

  ‘Sure. “After the aquarium I got a job in a zoo. There were a lot of sick birds. They all had to be tweeted".’

  ‘They had to be tweeted,’ Selby thought. ‘That’s great! Mrs Trifle is almost as funny as Gary!’

  ‘"The other day I went to the dentist",’

  Mrs Trifle continued. “I said, ‘Do you take teeth

  out painlessly?’ And she said, ‘Not really. The

  other day I was pulling a tooth and I sprained my wrist'."’

  ‘Oh, I love it!’ Selby thought. ‘I love Gary’s gags!’

  ‘"Then I asked a gardener why he never bothered to water the grass. He said, ‘Don’t worry, it’ll all be wet in dew time.'"’

  ‘You see?’ Gary said. ‘All you need are good jokes and you’re a comedian.’

  ‘You’ve convinced me. We’ll have the joke festival on Bogusville Day, June 14th,’ Mrs Trifle said, writing June 14th on a pad next to the computer. ‘But we have to keep it absolutely secret till we start advertising. I don’t want some other town to steal the idea and get infirst.’

  ‘Right you are,’ Gary said. ‘Keep the disk. It’s just a copy. Hey, there’s old Dismal Denis’s car pulling up right now. I’m out of here.’

  Selby watched as the big, black limousine pulled up outside. The driver ran around and opened the car door. Out stepped a grim-looking man in a grey suit. Mrs Trifle met him at the door just as Gary was leaving.

  ‘I’ve come about the road, Mayor Trifle,’ Mayor Dorset said in a flat voice. ‘I am here to inform you of your
obligations under Section Seventeen of the Highways and Byways Act of 1904 and —’

  ‘We’ll pay to fix the road,’ Mrs Trifle interrupted him.

  ‘You will?’

  ‘Yes we will,’ Mrs Trifle said cheerfully. ‘Is there anything else?’

  ‘That shut him up,’ thought Selby. ‘Now he doesn’t know what to say.’

  ‘I–I–I–We will have to have that in writing,’ Mayor Dorset said, finally.

  ‘If you wish,’ replied Mrs Trifle. ‘Just a sec. I left my pen and paper in the other room. I’ll be back in a tick.’ Mrs Trifle left the room.

  ‘I don’t like the look of this guy,’ Selby thought. ‘He seems shifty.’

  The mayor looked all around him and then noticed that the computer was on in the study. He tiptoed in and read what was on the computer screen.

  ‘Bogusville’s Big Belly-Buster Bash,’ he mumbled. ‘The first ever country joke festival. Oh, I get it,’ he mumbled even louder. ‘They’re going to have a joke festival. What a great idea! Think of the money they’ll make! No wonder Mrs Trifle isn’t worried about fixing the road. And, look! The jokes are all here! And if I’m not wrong,’ he said, looking down at the pad, ‘it will be held on June 14th. Only I think they’re in for a big surprise. The joke is going to be on them.’

  Mayor Dorset grabbed Selby’s blank disk, made a quick copy of Gary’s jokes and slipped it into his pocket. By the time Mrs Trifle returned, Mayor Dorset was sitting innocently on the lounge.

  ‘Thank you,’ he said, taking the paper. ‘I guess we won’t have to sue you after all.’

  ‘That dirty guy!’ Selby thought. ‘What an awful thing to do, stealing Gary’s idea — and his jokes! And it’s all my fault for leaving that blank disk there.’

  The next two weeks were awful — Selby watched and listened as Mrs Trifle planned the festival while Gary Gaggs rounded up volunteers to tell the jokes.

  ‘I can’t stand this,’ Selby thought. ‘Mrs Trifle has spent all of Bogusville’s money fixing the road to Poshfield and she’s borrowing more! Meanwhile, Dismal Denis is secretly planning his own festival.’