The Joke's on Selby Read online

  ‘While everyone’s watching the library, I’ll break in through the office and then get into the library that way,’ Selby thought as he collected a stack of books and piled them up under the window. ‘If I can get close enough, I’ll grab the bomb and throw it out the window. I’ll creep in as quietly as a cat. She won’t know what’s happening till it’s happened.’

  Selby hopped up on the books and in a second was lowering himself onto the floor of the principal’s office. From there he tiptoed down the hall and up to the library door.

  ‘So far, so good,’ he thought, as he pushed the door open and peered in at Camilla, who was facing the other way. ‘Now I’ll slink across the room before she sees me.’

  Selby crept around the room, sliding under tables and scooting from bookcase to bookcase until he was directly behind the upset librarian.

  ‘Now to grab the bomb,’ Selby thought, getting ready to make his dash. ‘Of course when I do it Camilla will know that I’m not an ordinary dog. I mean, ordinary dogs don’t grab bombs in their paws and throw them out windows. On the other hand, what does it matter? Nobody will believe her. In fact, they’ll think that she threw the bomb.’

  Selby took another step closer.

  ‘Hmmm, it is a strange bomb. It is just like the ones in the Bruce the Bomber comics. It even has “BOMB” written on the side.’

  Just then they heard the sound of a helicopter landing behind the building.

  ‘What’s that?’ Camilla said, spinning around to look out the back window and seeing Selby. ‘Goodness! How’d you get in here? Why, you’re Selby, the mayor’s dog, aren’t you?’

  Selby was about to grab the bomb out of her hands when the librarian put it down and picked him up instead and started patting him.

  ‘Selby,’ Camilla said. ‘You shouldn’t be here. I don’t want you to get hurt.’

  Selby watched as people in flak jackets jumped out of the helicopter and took up positions in the playground.

  ‘I’ve got to keep them from attacking,’ Selby thought. ‘But staying on Camilla’s lap seems to be calming her down — and what she needs is calming down.’

  ‘Oh, Selby,’ Camilla said, with tears running down her cheeks. ‘I’m just sick and tired of being a librarian: teachers borrowing books for class projects and never returning them, kids forgetting their library bags, re-painting the kids’ Book Week posters, fixing up Book Week parade costumes.’ Camilla blew her nose. ‘And all those sad children’s books are making me sad, too,’ Camilla sobbed. ‘I wish I had a real bomb — I think I really would blow up the library.’

  ‘A real bomb?’ Selby thought, as he looked around the room and spotted the Bruce the Bomber poster. ‘It’s not a real bomb! It’s a fake! It’s from a Bruce the Bomber Book Week display! Some kid made it out of papier-mâché.* Camilla has only been pretending she’s going to blow up the school. I’ve got to do something fast before the SSTS attacks.’

  Selby jumped off Camilla’s lap and ran for the door. In a second he was on the principal’s desk, dialling Gary’s Gagg Bag number. In another second he’d put the telephone next to the principal’s microphone and was broadcasting Gary’s greatest gags all around the school and the playground.

  ‘But seriously, folks,’ Gary’s voice boomed. ‘The other day my hair was a mess. I tried to borrow a comb from a friend but he wouldn’t part with it. Then I went to the hairdresser. He said, “Do you want a haircut?” and I said, “No, I want them all cut.” These are the jokes, folks. They don’t get any better. I read about a guy who got caught stealing a calendar. He got twelve months. Woo woo woo!’

  Selby ran back to the library and peeked in at Camilla, who was listening to the jokes with a baffled look on her face.

  ‘I went for a job as a printer,’ Gary went on, ‘but they told me I was the wrong type. So I decided to raise ducks instead. Years later a friend asked me if business was picking up and I said, “No, silly, business is picking down.” Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Oh, I get it,’ Camilla muttered. ‘Picking down — like duck down. That’s good. Who is this fellow?’

  ‘But seriously, folks,’ Gary continued. ‘Everything always goes wrong at my house. Why, just the other night I was teaching myself to tap dance and I fell in the sink.’

  ‘Tap dance — fell in the sink!’ Camilla laughed. ‘That’s great!’

  ‘I have so much trouble with pets,’ Gary went on. ‘I tried to play water polo but my pony nearly drowned. I had to take him to the horse-pital. Then my dog got sick and I had to call a dogter. I said, a dog-ter.’

  By now, Camilla was giggling and slapping her legs. And from all around the school, Selby could hear the sounds of people laughing. Selby walked back through the library and lay on the floor at Camilla’s feet.

  ‘You’re back,’ she said, patting him again. ‘Listen to this, it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard!’

  ‘Are you with me, folks?’ Gary said. ‘Then my pig got sick. I had to call a ham-bulance. Woo woo woo! But seriously, I’ve got a cat that likes to go to the beach at Christmas. I call him Sandy Claws. I’m the kind of guy who always brings a spare sock when I play golf just in case I get a hole in one. Woo woo woo!’

  Selby reached out and grabbed the fake bomb in his teeth, giving it a good chomp and breaking it in half. Bit by bit he chewed until there was nothing left but wet newspaper. By now Gary had got cornier and cornier and Camilla was screaming with laughter. Finally she got up and opened the front door, waving to the people outside.

  ‘The other day I went to the bank,’ Gary said, ‘and the bank manager was outside, sawing a limb off a tree. He must have been the branch manager. It was a dog-wood tree. I could tell from the bark. I drove away and came to a fork in the road. I ran over it and got a puncture. These are the jokes, folks. They don’t get any better than this —’

  Within minutes, Camilla, Dr and Mrs Trifle, the Special School Crisis Coordinator and the Special School Tactical Squad were all having a friendly chat.

  ‘I’m terribly sorry about the trouble I’ve caused,’ Camilla said. ‘But I’m okay now. Is it all right if I stay on as librarian?’

  ‘Certainly,’ said Frieda, wiping away tears of laughter. ‘What I’d like to know is how you got the idea to put those jokes over the public address system?’

  ‘Me? I thought you’d done it,’ Camilla said. ‘Whoever did was very clever indeed. Anyway, I’ve decided to make a fresh start and get rid of all the boring books and the sad books. From now on I’m only going to buy funny ones.’

  ‘What a good idea,’ thought Selby. ‘There are some books about a talking dog she might like.’

  * Paw note: Pronounced paper mashay.

  S

  SELBY’S SET-UP

  ‘Did you know that they’re going to be filming a real movie with real movie stars in my library?’ Camilla Bonzer, the librarian at Bogusville Primary School, asked.

  ‘Yes, I’d heard that,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘And guess what?’

  ‘What?’

  Camilla sat down on the lounge next to Selby and began patting him. ‘Dino diSwarve, the most gorgeous actor in the whole universe, is the star and he’s going to be in my library and I’m going to get to meet him! Isn’t that exciting?!’

  ‘He is quite good-looking,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But I’m not sure he’s much of an actor.’

  ‘Oh, who cares about that,’ Camilla said. ‘I could just look at him forever. He’s so dishy! Do you know what the film is about?’

  ‘Yes. The script for the film was written by an old friend of ours, Gary Gaggs.’

  ‘Not the Gary Gaggs, the comedian?’ she said. ‘His jokes cheered me up when I was so upset before, remember? Are you sure he wrote it? This movie is a romance, not a comedy.’

  ‘It’s a romantic comedy,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘It’s called A Binding Friendship and it’s about a librarian and someone who falls in love with her. That’s all I know.’

  ‘Well I k
now more than that because I read about it in the Dino diSwarve Fan Magazine.’

  ‘You read the Dino diSwarve Fan Magazine?’

  ‘Of course, he’s sooooo handsome! I have posters of him all around my house and I’m the president of the Bogusville Dino diSwarve Fan Club, too. Let me tell you about the film. Dino plays this really shy young man who lives at home with his mother and doesn’t have a job or friends or anything.’

  ‘But he usually plays rough, tough jokey guys.’

  ‘Not in this movie. He goes to the library all the time and borrows science-fiction books. Of course this is supposed to be a normal library and not a school library like mine, but never mind. Anyway, the librarian falls in love with him. She wears all these glam clothes and everything. But he doesn’t notice her because he’s so shy — he never really looks at her. She’s played by what’s-her-name, the actress with the big smile and all the teeth.’

  ‘I can’t remember her name either,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Anyway, one day old tooth-face slips a romance book in with his sci-fi books when he checks them out of the library. It’s one of those Kiss’n'Tell books or Party Pashers books that teenage girls read.’

  ‘Don’t tell me,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He discovers the book, reads it and falls in love with the librarian.’

  ‘No,’ Camilla said. ‘This is the interesting thing. The movie has two endings.’

  ‘How can a movie have two endings?’

  ‘It just does. In one of them he notices her and falls in love and they end up together. In the other one, she falls in love with this other guy who’s been after her forever.’

  ‘So you can decide which ending you like the best, is that it?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘That’s it. I’ve got to go now before the shops close because I’m buying a new dress. I’m meeting Dino tomorrow.’

  ‘So that he will fall in love with you and take you away to Hollywood with him and live happily ever after?’ Mrs Trifle said with a laugh.

  Camilla gave her an icy stare and stopped patting Selby.

  ‘It could happen,’ she said. ‘It could and I think it will.’

  ‘Do you really?’

  ‘Frankly, yes, I do.’

  ‘Poor Camilla,’ Mrs Trifle said to Dr Trifle after the librarian had gone. ‘She’s living in a fantasy world.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘She really thinks that Dino diSwarve, a world famous, super-rich and quite-good-looking-if-you-ask-me movie star is going to fall in love with her.’

  ‘It could happen,’ Dr Trifle said, looking up from his newspaper.

  ‘How could it?’

  ‘Well if he got to know her he’d realise that she’s a very interesting person. Then he might fall in love and even marry her.’

  ‘Oh, heavens. Movie stars don’t fall in love with teacher-librarians. Everyone knows that. Everyone except Camilla. I do worry about her.’

  ‘Mrs Trifle’s right,’ Selby thought. ‘Camilla’s just going to make herself unhappy by hoping that Dino will fall in love with her. I wish she’d be more realistic. Oh well, there’s nothing I can do. Anyway, I wonder if I can sneak into the library and watch the filming tomorrow. That sounds like good fun.’

  The next day was Saturday and there were no schoolchildren at Camilla’s library when Selby arrived but the street outside was in total chaos. There were trucks and more trucks filled with movie cameras, lights, props and other equipment. And there were people running in every direction, talking to each other through their headsets. Sneaking into the library was the easiest thing that Selby had ever done.

  ‘An elephant could walk in here and nobody would notice,’ Selby thought as he looked around at the people inside. ‘Look! There’s Gary Gaggs! And there’s Camilla! Oh, no! She bought a really expensive-looking floral dress just to meet Dino in. Poor Camilla.’

  In the bright lights in front of the camera, the director talked to the actor.

  ‘That’s him!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘It’s the real Dino diSwarve! I can’t believe I’m actually looking at him. He certainly is a lot shorter than he is in his films.’

  ‘Okay,’ called the director. ‘Quiet on the set everyone! Roll ‘em! Let’s see if we can get it right this time. Come in, Bonnie.’

  Selby watched as the actress who was playing the librarian came out of the office and walked up to Dino.

  ‘Bonnie Blake?’ Selby thought. ‘It’s her! It’s Bonnie Blake! I absolutely adore Bonnie Blake! Well, I adore her but I wouldn’t want to marry her,’ he added.*

  ‘Hello, Ron,’ Bonnie said, smiling at Dino and batting her eyelashes. ‘How are you today?’

  Dino looked at her and gave a broad smile.

  ‘Hi, Janey, baby,’ he said. ‘I’m great. How about you?’

  ‘Cut!’ the director yelled. ‘No, no, Dino. You’re not supposed to look at her. Look down at the ground. And you’re supposed to mumble, “I’m-I’m sorry, is the library closing or something?"’

  ‘But that’s stupid,’ Dino said.

  ‘That’s what the script says.’

  ‘So what? Who cares about the stupid script?’

  ‘Your character is very shy,’ the director said. ‘He wouldn’t say, “Hi, Janey, baby.’”

  ‘Well I’m not going to play him shy. I always play a jokey kind of tough guy. That’s the real me. I want to be me.’

  ‘But that’s not what this movie is about,’ the director said. ‘He’s got to be shy or the story doesn’t work. I hired you to play a shy guy.’

  ‘Who’s kidding who? You hired me because I’ve got a million fans out there and they love to go to movies if I’m in them. They don’t want to see me playing a wimp.’

  Bonnie Blake glared at him. ‘You can’t do it, can you?’ she said.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You can only play yourself because you don’t know how to act.’

  ‘Whoa! Of course I can act.’

  ‘No, you can’t.’

  ‘Can!’

  ‘Can’t!’

  ‘What would you know about acting?’ Dino said. ‘You’re nothing but a soapie star. I’m a big-time movie star.’

  ‘At least I went to acting school. They picked you because of your looks and that’s all.’

  ‘Stop!’ the director yelled. ‘I want to talk to you individually in my trailer. Bonnie, come with me, please.’

  Dino just sat there as the director and the crew left the library. Selby hid behind a row of books, watching. Suddenly Camilla appeared from behind another row of books and walked up to the actor.

  ‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘She’s going to talk to him. She should stay right away from him.’

  ‘Who are you?’ Dino snapped.

  ‘I-I’m Camilla Bonzer,’ Camilla said with a trembling voice. ‘I’m the librarian here.’

  ‘So what? It’s Saturday. Go home.’

  ‘I–l–I know, Mr diSwarve. B–But I’m your greatest fan.’

  ‘Yeah, right.’

  ‘I am. I’ve got posters of you all around my house.’

  ‘So what? Lots of people have them. Could you just leave me alone … please?’

  ‘This is sooooo embarrassing!’ Selby thought. ‘Why doesn’t she just go away?’

  ‘I’m also the president of the Dino diSwarve Fan Club.’

  ‘You’re pulling my leg.’

  ‘It’s true,’ Camilla said weakly. ‘I wouldn’t lie to you, Dino.’

  Selby could see tears forming in Camilla’s eyes.

  ‘Like the Australian Dino diSwarve Fan Club?’

  ‘Well, no. The Bogusville Dino diSwarve Fan Club.’

  Dino laughed. ‘What, all six of you?’ he said.

  ‘Actually, I’m the only one in the club,’ Camilla admitted.

  ‘Camilla! Don’t do this to yourself!’ Selby thought. ‘He’s treating you like dirt! Just stay away from him!’

  ‘I heard the argument you had with Bonnie Bl
ake,’ Camilla said. ‘And I think I have a book you might like to read. Here. It’s very popular with the kids. Of course I can’t give it to you because it’s the library’s copy. But you can borrow it.’

  Dino took the book in his hands. ‘What is this? Even You Can Act. Are you kidding? This is an insult!’

  ‘No, no, no, Camilla,’ Selby thought, covering his eyes with one paw and shaking his head. ‘You’re making it worse and worse. Forget the book. Just go away.’

  ‘I–I know this sounds silly, giving a book on acting to a super-famous actor,’ Camilla said. ‘But I think it’s really very good. There are a lot of acting tips in it that they don’t even teach in acting school. It says so on the back cover. Look. Remember, no matter how much we know about something we can always learn more.’

  Dino leapt to his feet and threw the book on the floor. ‘Get out of here!’ he screamed.

  ‘But I love you,’ Camilla pleaded, the tears now streaming down her face. ‘I want to go away with you and live in Hollywood. You’ll like me when you get to know me. I want to marry you, Dino.’

  ‘Rack off you … you … you librarian you!’

  Camilla cried even harder and ran from the library. Selby followed her down the street to Bogusville Park. There she sat on a park bench, weeping.

  ‘Poor, poor Camilla,’ Selby thought. He climbed up next to her and lay down. ‘That guy was so cruel to her! I should have bitten his leg off!’

  ‘Selby,’ Camilla sighed. ‘You sweetie. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you came here to cheer me up.’

  ‘I did, Camilla,’ Selby thought. ‘Believe me, I did.’

  Camilla patted him. ‘Remember when I chucked a wobbly in the library?’ she said. ‘You were there then, too. It really helped. Remember Gary Gaggs’ corny jokes? He’s so funny.’

  ‘That’s the kind of guy for you, Camilla,’ Selby thought. ‘Not some dumb, short, movie mega-star who can’t act for beans.’

  ‘Oh, Selby Selby Selby, what am I going to do? Why does life have to be so sad?’