The Joke's on Selby Read online

  THIS BOOK

  BELONGS TO

  To all the gagsters out there

  and to everyone who ever slipped on a banana peel.

  You’ve made the world a happier place.

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  Kids often write to tell me how much they like the Selby stories that have Gary Gaggs in them. Gary, as you may know, is Bogusville’s favourite comedian. He tells the most dreadful, awful and corny jokes. Jokes like, ‘Two cats are walking along and one of them says, “Woof!” The other cat says, “Did you say ‘woof'?” And the first cat says, “Yes, I’m learning a second language".’ Just the sort of jokes that Selby loves — and Gary has a million of them. But there’s a problem: Selby loves to hear Gary’s gags but he can’t laugh at them. If Selby ever laughed and anyone heard him laughing then they’d find out his secret: that he is the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world. Once his secret got out who knows what terrible things might happen.

  Anyway, with a little bit of help from Selby we’ve rounded up a stack of stories about Gary Gaggs from the other Selby books and put them all together in this book. I hope you like them as much as I do.

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  GARY GAGGS

  SELBY GAGGED

  BOOKS, BOMBS AND BOOK WEEK

  SELBY’S SET-UP

  BOGUSVILLE’S BIG BELLY-BUSTER BASH

  SELBY’S SMILE

  THE POEM THAT STOPPED BOGUSVILLE

  GARY GAGGS’ FAVOURITE KANGAROO JOKE

  SELBY ON ICE

  SELBY’S SHEMOZZLE

  GARY GAGGS AND THE GHOSTLY GAGSTER

  GARY GAGGS’ HECKLER BUSTERS

  APPENDIX

  By the Same Author

  About the Author

  Copyright

  GARY GAGGS

  The funniest funnyman

  in the bush.

  PERSONAL DETAILS

  Job: Comedian (formerly a funeral director).

  Born in: Gulargambone, Australia.

  Favourite expressions: ‘Woo woo woo!’ (Said after he tells a joke.) ‘But seriously, folks.’ (Said after he tells a joke.) ‘It’s true. It’s absolutely true.’ (Said after he tells a joke.)

  Favourite food: Soup. (So he can say, ‘Waiter, waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!’) Or any food with lots of corn in it. (The cornier, the better.)

  Favourite activity: Making people laugh.

  Likes: People who laugh at his jokes.

  Dislikes: People who don’t laugh at his jokes.

  BACKGROUND

  Gary made people laugh from the day he was born. (He was very funny to look at.) Later he found a book of corny old jokes and memorised them to make people laugh even more.

  Gary’s parents never laughed at anything. They ran a funeral business. When his parents retired and he took over the family business he had a brilliant idea: he’d tell jokes at funerals to cheer people up. He renamed the business Funny Funerals and put up ads that said, ‘Come to Funny Funerals and die laughing!’ He was out of business within a month.

  Since then, Gary has toured the world with his comedy act. He calls it All the Jokes You Could Ever Want to Hear and Lots You Wouldn’t.

  Gary’s one regret is that he’s never been able to make his parents laugh — or even smile — at one of his jokes.

  SELBY GAGGED

  The good news was that Gary Gaggs, the corniest comedian in Australia, was back in Bogusville to do his comedy act at the Bogusville School of Arts Banquet. The bad news was that he was staying with Dr and Mrs Trifle.

  ‘Oh, woe woe woe,’ Selby thought as Dr Trifle greeted his old friend at the door. ‘Of all the places to stay in Bogusville, why, oh why, oh why, does he have to stay here?’

  ‘You’re looking great, Blinky!’ Gary said, using Dr Trifle’s old nickname and shaking his hand furiously. ‘As for me, I just flew in from Perth and my arms are tired! Woo woo woo!’

  Every time Gary told a joke he strutted around like a chicken, pumping his elbows up and down and saying, ‘Woo woo woo!’

  ‘His jokes are absolutely awful!’ Selby thought. ‘But the problem is — it’s all I can do to keep from laughing at them. And if I ever laughed — if I ever even smiled — my secret would be out! I’ve got to get out of here quick!’

  Selby dashed for the door but Gary reached out and grabbed him by the collar.

  ‘Selby’s a real locksmith dog,’ Gary said, patting him on the head.

  ‘A locksmith dog?’ Dr Trifle asked.

  ‘Yes. He just made a bolt for the door! Woo woo woo!’ Gary boomed. ‘Seriously though, I had a kelpie once and I put him in some sheepdog trials.’

  ‘Is that so?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘How’d he do?’

  ‘He was found not guilty! Woo woo woo!’ Gary laughed. ‘But seriously, I was going to sell him but he got his tail caught in a gate. I had to sell him wholesale because I couldn’t retail him! Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Oh, that’s very funny,’ Dr Trifle said instead of laughing. ‘But you never really had a dog, did you, Gary?’

  ‘I had a dog just like your Selby but he got lost.’

  ‘That’s very sad. What did you do?’

  ‘Nothing. I was going to put an ad in the newspaper but I knew it wouldn’t do any good.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because he couldn’t read! Woo woo woo!’ Gary screeched, pumping his arms up and down, giving Selby time to dart out the door and into the bushes before he laughed.

  ‘Hey!’ said Gary, ‘Why don’t you bring Selby to the banquet tonight and I can tell some more dog gags?’

  That night Gary Gaggs sat at the end of a long table next to the Trifles. Selby was on Mrs Trifle’s lap watching as the comedian ate masses of food, lots of it falling on his checked shirt.

  Finally, just as the Peach Piffle dessert arrived, Gary Gaggs stood up.

  ‘Thank you very much for inviting me here tonight,’ he started. ‘It’s too bad I’m on a diet. By the way, did you hear about the cannibal who went on a diet? He only ate pygmies. Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Oh, wow! That’s a good one,’ Selby thought as he fought back a smile and the guests roared with laughter. ‘He only ate pygmies!’

  ‘But seriously, folks. This food reminds me of my mother-in-law’s cooking. My mother-in-law is a beautiful lady. She’s sixty years old and still has skin like a peach. But did you ever see the skin of a sixty-year-old peach?! Woo woo woo!’

  ‘A sixty-year-old peach!’ Selby squealed as he gasped for breath. ‘I love his mother-in-law jokes!’

  ‘But seriously, she’s a lovely lady. I call her my fare lady. She used to be a bus conductor. Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Oh, I get it!’ Selby thought, putting a paw over his mouth. ‘My fare lady! That’s great!’

  ‘She’s lovely,’ Gary went on. ‘She only has one false tooth. You’d never know it was false if it didn’t come out in conversation. Woo woo woo!’

  Selby put his head under the tablecloth and let out a giggle while everyone howled with laughter.

  ‘But seriously now, folks,’ Gary continued. ‘My mother-in-law used to run a pet shop. One day I went there to buy a pet. She said, “I’ve got a cockatoo that lays square eggs and talks.” I said, “A cockatoo that lays square eggs and talks? What does it say?” And she said, ”Ouch!” Woo woo woo!’

  Selby squealed with laughter.

  ‘I can’t stand it,’ he thought. ‘I’ve got to get out of here before anyone realises I’m laughing.’

  ‘So I said to her, I said,’ Gary went on, ‘"I don’t want a bird, I want a dog.” And she put a dog up on the counter. Now wait a minute. Where’s that dog? Get up here, Selby.’

  ‘Gulp,’ S
elby thought. ‘What does he want me for?’

  Selby spied an open door and was about to run for it when Gary grabbed him and put him on the table.

  ‘She said, “This dog is pure Irish Setter.” I said, “Oh really?” and she said, “No, O’Reilly.” Woo woo woo!’

  ‘O’Reilly! That’s great!’ Selby thought, feeling everyone’s eyes looking at him. ‘But if I can’t keep a straight face I’m a done dog. If only his jokes weren’t so funny.’

  ‘So I said to my mother-in-law, I said, “This dog has no nose. How does he smell?” And she said, “Terrible!” Woo woo woo!’

  Selby put a paw over his mouth to hide a creeping smile as Gary gripped his collar with one hand and patted him with the other.

  ‘But seriously folks,’ Gary continued. ‘She told me that the dog was a real watchdog. And she was right. I took him home to guard my house and he sat down and watched TV. Woo woo woo!’

  ‘I can’t stand it any longer,’ Selby said, choking and sputtering and burying his face in a serviette to keep from laughing — all of which only made the people laugh more.

  ‘But he was a watchdog,’ Gary continued. ‘That night when I was out the house was robbed. The dog watched the whole thing! Woo woo woo! But seriously, the dog is a police dog and he’s going to investigate the crime. He isn’t sure who did it but he has … Come on, folks, he has … what? I’m tired of doing all the talking. You tell me.’

  ‘I know, I know!’ Selby thought as sweat streamed down his face. ‘I know the punchline and if anyone tells it, I’m a goner. There’s no way I can keep from laughing. Save me!’

  With this, Selby started running but, with Gary still holding his collar, what happened was that the tablecloth and sixty-two bowls of Peach Piffle came tearing towards him, hitting Gary Gaggs, who let go of Selby and fell to the floor covered in dessert. There was silence for a moment and then everyone, including Gary, roared with laughter as Selby ran the length of the bare table, past the howling guests, and out the door. He didn’t stop running till he collapsed in a fit of laughter in the middle of Bogusville Reserve.

  ‘The dog isn’t sure who did it,’ Selby screeched as he rolled on the ground and licked off a chunk of Peach Piffle, ‘but he has a good lead! Woo woo woo! That man is the funniest comedian in the whole world!’

  BOOKS, BOMBS AND BOOK WEEK

  While Dr and Mrs Trifle were talking to their old friend Gary Gaggs, Selby was hiding in the study quietly listening to his favourite rock group on the radio.

  ‘That Gary is sooooooo funny,’ Selby thought, ‘but I have to be sooooooo careful not to laugh when I’m around him. One little snicker and everyone would know that I’m not an ordinary non-talking dog.’

  Suddenly there was a newsflash on the radio.

  ‘We interrupt this program to say that there’s an emergency at Bogusville Primary School. The librarian has barricaded herself in the library and is threatening to blow it up. A Special School Crisis Coordinator is due to arrive soon. We now return you to “The Screaming Mimis’ Greatest Hits".’

  ‘That must be Camilla Bonzer, the school librarian!’ Selby thought. ‘I wonder what happened? This is terrible! She’s really nice. I wonder if Mrs Trifle knows about it.’

  Selby turned off the radio and went into the lounge room, where Gary Gaggs was trying out some of his newest corny old jokes on the Trifles.

  ‘Did you hear about the race between the rabbit and the echidna?’ Gary asked.

  ‘No, I don’t think so,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘Well, the rabbit was the first across the finish line but the echidna won on points,’ Gary laughed, adding a ‘Woo woo woo!’ as he often did at the end of a joke.

  ‘The echidna won on points! That’s really funny!’ Selby thought as he fought back a giggle.

  ‘The other day I was cutting the grass with my lawn-mooer —’ Gary started.

  ‘Don’t you mean your lawn-mower?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘No, I mean my lawn-mooer — my pet cow,’ Gary said. ‘Woo woo woo! But seriously folks, that evening the light in the lounge room burnt out. I was delighted!’

  ‘De-lighted!’ Selby thought. ‘The light went out! That’s so funny!’

  ‘By the way,’ Gary said, ‘have you rung my Gagg Bag telephone number yet?’

  ‘Is this a joke?’ Dr Trifle asked.

  ‘No, I’m serious,’ Gary said. ‘You ring the number and you can hear a recording of all my latest jokes.’

  ‘What a good idea,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘That way people who can’t see your show can still hear your jokes.’

  ‘That’s right,’ Gary said. ‘And there’s nothing sick bird about it.’

  ‘Sick bird?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Well an ill eagle is a sick bird. But there’s nothing illegal about my Gagg Bag!’ the comedian said, suddenly strutting around the room and pumping his elbows up and down like a chicken. ‘Woo woo woo! Got you that time.’

  ‘His jokes are absolutely terrible,’ Selby thought as he struggled not to smile. ‘But they still make me laugh. I just can’t help myself.’

  ‘I’ve got a million of them,’ Gary said. ‘You could ring my Gagg Bag number on your mobile phone when you’re having a bath,’ Gary added. ‘But if you did you’d be ringing wet. Woo woo woo!’

  ‘I’m not sure I get that one,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘I’d tell you the one about the ceiling but it would be over your head,’ Gary said. Suddenly he looked at his watch. ‘Heavens! I’ve got a plane to catch. See you the next time I’m in Bogusville. But do ring this number.’

  After Gary Gaggs had told them his Gagg Bag phone number and driven away, the phone rang.

  ‘There’s an emergency at the school,’ Mrs Trifle told Dr Trifle when she’d put the phone down. ‘Camilla Bonzer, the school librarian, is having a bit of a crisis. Could you come along?’

  Selby bolted into the back seat of the car and, on the way to the school, listened to Dr and Mrs Trifle’s conversation.

  ‘This librarian,’ Dr Trifle said, ‘have I met her?’

  ‘Yes, you have. We had all the teachers around for a barbecue last year, remember?’

  ‘Was she the one who was tying everyone’s shoelaces for them?’

  ‘No, that was one of the infants’ school teachers.’

  ‘Then maybe she was the one with a pocket full of chalk?’

  ‘No, that was a primary teacher.’

  ‘Not the one with all the keys to everything?’

  ‘No, that was the principal,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Camilla’s the librarian — the one with glasses. The one wearing the badge that said: “Librarians Run on Hugs". She helped you with the washing up. She reorganised all the dishware and cutlery.’

  ‘Of course! How could I forget?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘It took ages to put things right again. The spoons ended up in saucepans and we found the forks in the fridge.’

  ‘That’s because she organised them alphabetically,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Librarians are very alphabetically minded.’

  ‘It’s a wonder the glasses didn’t end up in the garbage,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘Oh, so that’s what happened to them,’ Mrs Trifle said, as they pulled up in front of the school and got out of the car.

  The street was littered with books. From behind parked cars, people peered over at the school. Suddenly there was a scream from inside the library and the sound of breaking glass as another book came hurtling out. Sergeant Short and Constable Long were huddled behind their police car. A woman stood beside them.

  ‘Camilla, can you hear me?’ the woman yelled. ‘My name is Frieda! Frieda Gho! I’m from the Department of Education and I’m here to help you!’

  Selby caught a brief glimpse of Camilla standing at a window with a big black bomb in one hand and a match in the other.

  ‘Take a hike, duster-head!’ Camilla screamed. ‘One step closer and I’ll blow the place to smithereens! If I light this fuse it
’ll be snowing overdue notices for a week! Go ahead, make my day!’

  ‘My goodness!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘She’s going to blow herself up along with the library!’

  ‘What a strange-looking old-fashioned bomb,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘The last time I saw one of those was in one of those Bruce the Bomber comic books that all the kids read.’

  ‘I can’t understand why she’d want to do this,’ Mrs Trifle said, crouching down behind the police car. ‘She seemed such a quiet, peaceful person.’

  ‘Librarians,’ Frieda said, shaking her head. ‘They think nobody wants them. They’re all quiet and peaceful till they chuck a wobbly. It usually happens around Book Week. By the way I’m the SSCC from the Department — the Special School Crisis Coordinator.’

  ‘And I’m the mayor,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’

  ‘No, this is a departmental matter,’ Frieda said. ‘And quite frankly, I don’t fancy our chances on this one. I think we’ve got a boomer on our hands.’

  ‘A boomer?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘You mean you think she’ll really blow the place up?’

  The coordinator nodded.

  ‘You’ll never take me alive!’ Camilla screamed and another book sliced through the air, this time catching Frieda Gho on the ear.

  ‘That does it!’ Frieda groaned, as she dialled her mobile phone. ‘I’m calling in the SSTS — the Special School Tactical Squad. They’ll have to take her out.’

  ‘You mean out of the library?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘No, I mean like blammo, blasto, and goodbye Camilla,’ the coordinator said. ‘We’ve got librarians coming out of our ears. It’s the books I’m worried about. We can’t afford to lose another library.’

  ‘Poor Camilla,’ Selby thought. ‘She seemed so sweet and sensitive at the barbecue. She even held me on her lap and patted me. And now the SSTS is going to … Gulp, I don’t even like to think about it.’

  Selby moved closer for a better look and then suddenly a light went on in his head. In a second he’d circled the school and crept up to the back of the school office.