The Joke's on Selby Read online

  Sure enough, just one week before Bogusville Day, a very glum Gary Gaggs knocked on the door.

  ‘This time something really is wrong, isn’t it, Gary?’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Turn on the TV and you’ll see,’ Gary said.

  There on TV was the sour face of Denis Dorset announcing the Poshfield Joke Festival.

  ‘They’re holding it on the same day as ours,’ Gary said. ‘And they started advertising first, so we’re dead.’

  ‘This is awful!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘How could they have found out about our festival?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Gary said. ‘Can we cancel the tent?’

  ‘It’s too late. Tents-For-Rent put it up this morning. The chairs are all set up. The food and drink has all been ordered. We even hired one of those monitors to read the jokes from. Everything’s paid for.’

  ‘I just hope the jokes at Poshfield aren’t funny,’ Gary said.

  ‘Funny or not, we’re ruined,’ Mrs Trifle sighed. ‘And I’ll have to quit my job. Before, I wanted to quit because of the workload. Now I have to quit because I’ve made such a costly mistake. I should never have agreed to the joke festival.’

  Selby could see tears forming in Mrs Trifle’s

  eyes when she told Dr Trifle about quitting her job.

  ‘It was really my fault,’ Selby thought. ‘I let Denis steal Gary’s jokes. This is the most horrible day of my life. Oh woe woe woe.’

  Finally it was the day of the Poshfield Joke Festival. Gary Gaggs arrived at the Trifles’ house.

  ‘Come along, people, we’re going to Poshfield,’ he said. ‘I’ve got three front-row tickets.’

  ‘But Gary,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘that festival has ruined us. I don’t want anything to do with it.’

  ‘I know,’ Gary said with a big grin, ‘but it’s going to be a total disaster and we should be there to see it. Guess what? Dull-as-ditchwater Denis is going to tell all the jokes himself!’ Gary giggled. ‘Can you imagine? He’s going to read them off a monitor just the way we were going to. The man’s about as funny as a fish! The jokes would have to be completely people-proof for him to get a laugh. And, let’s face it, they won’t be.’

  Gary Gaggs and the Trifles got into the car.

  ‘I can’t just stay here,’ Selby thought as he hopped in with them. ‘I’ve got to go along. Poor Gary, he’s about to find out that the jokes are great jokes. They’re his jokes. Everyone’s going to laugh and it’s all going to be a huge success. But maybe I can ruin it somehow.’

  Poshfield’s huge Tents–For–Rent tent was filled with people from all around the country and there were TV cameras and TV news reporters everywhere to report the first ever country joke festival.

  A hush came over the crowd as Denis Dorset stepped up to the microphone.

  ‘I’ve got to do something,’ Selby said to himself. ‘But what can I do? I could pull the plug on the monitor,’ he thought, looking down and seeing the wire on the ground in front of him, ‘but then they’ll just plug it in again. Besides, they’ve taped all the connections together.’

  ‘I used to work as a vet in an aquarium,’ the mayor began.

  ‘That’s your joke, Gary!’ Mrs Trifle whispered.

  ‘I know,’ said Gary. ‘Somehow he’s stolen my jokes! This is going to be a disaster — because it’s not going to be a disaster!’

  ‘One day I wanted to see how much the whale weighed,’ Denis Dorset continued, ‘so guess what?’

  ‘That does it!’ Selby thought as he grabbed the electrical wire in his mouth. ‘I’m going to chomp on this wire! Okay, so I’ll be electrocuted (sniff). It’ll be the end of me (sniff) but at least it’ll cause a short-circuit and stop the festival for a few minutes. And after they (sniff) carry away my limp and lifeless body, maybe people won’t laugh as much when the jokes start again. It’s not fair that people like Dismal Denis can steal jokes and get away with it. Goodbye, oh heartless world!’

  Selby was about to chomp through the wire as the mayor continued telling the joke.

  ‘I said,’ the mayor went on, ‘I wanted to see how much the whale weighed so guess what? … I had him tweeted.’ Denis Dorset looked at the audience and smiled but there was total silence.

  ‘The whale was tweeted?’ Selby thought. ‘Did I hear him right?’

  ‘Here’s another one,’ the mayor of Poshfield went on. ‘The other day I went to the dentist. I said to her, “Do you take teeth out painlessly?” And she said, “I took it to a whale weigh station."’ Again the mayor smiled and waited and again there was silence.

  ‘After the aquarium I got a job in a zoo. There were a lot of sick birds. The other day I was pulling a tooth and I sprained my wrist.’

  ‘He’s got the wrong punchlines!’ Gary whispered to the Trifles.

  ‘And he’s got no sense of humour so he doesn’t realise it,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’m beginning to enjoy this.’

  ‘The Scrambler!’ Selby thought. ‘The old computer strikes again! It mixed up the jokes and punchlines on the disk when dreadful Denis copied it!’

  Soon people were hissing and booing.

  ‘What’s wrong with you people?!’ Denis said. ‘Don’t you like jokes?’

  ‘You’re the joke!’ someone yelled. ‘We want our money back!’

  ‘And we want it now!’ someone else yelled.

  ‘Well you’re not getting it back,’ Denis said. ‘It’s too late. Nya nya.’

  Suddenly the air was filled with flying paper cups and paper plates. Denis Dorset ran from the stage screaming, ‘Stop it! Okay you can have your money back! Just go to the box office!’

  Mrs Trifle stood up. ‘Excuse me,’ she said. ‘Listen here, everyone. Grab those dollars, hop in your cars, and take the beautiful, smooth road to Bogusville. The Big Belly-Buster Bash is about to begin!’

  And so it was that the first ever country joke festival was held in Bogusville and everyone laughed till their sides were sore.

  ‘That Gary Gaggs is a genius!’ Selby thought as he struggled to keep from laughing out loud. ‘And I will never complain about the Scrambler again.’

  SELBY’S SMILE

  ‘I’ve invented a new kind of cat,’ Dr Trifle announced, carrying a cat from his workroom.

  ‘You can’t just invent cats,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Besides, that one looks just like Postie Paterson’s cat, Ray.’

  ‘Well, he sort of is but I’ve changed him,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Give him a pat and you’ll see.’

  Mrs Trifle patted Ray and he began to purr. And just when the purring began, Ray’s lips suddenly curled up into a warm, friendly smile.

  ‘Good lord!’ Mrs Trifle shrieked. ‘Look! He’s smiling!’

  ‘Exactly!’ said Dr Trifle, smiling himself. ‘I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it!’ ‘I can’t believe it either,’ Selby thought. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it.’

  ‘What have you done to him?’ Mrs Trifle shrieked.

  Slowly, Ray’s smile faded.

  ‘I’ve turned him into a Happy Cat,’ Dr Trifle explained, stroking the cat and watching as Ray smiled again. ‘Everybody who wants a cat will buy one of these. The way I look at it is this: we keep pets to make us happy. We make them happy by feeding them and cuddling them and patting them, and they make us happy by showing us that they’re happy. Cats purr to tell us they’re happy. This cat not only purrs but it smiles back at us and makes us feel even happier.’

  ‘It makes me feel a bit weird,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘How did you do it?’

  ‘I’ll show you,’ said Dr Trifle.

  Dr Trifle gently opened Ray’s mouth with his fingers and took something out.

  ‘These Lip Movers turn a normal cat into a Happy Cat,’ he explained. ‘The LMs hook gently over the lips from inside. They’re so soft that the cat can’t even feel them. They move the cat’s lips into a smile when it purrs.’

  ‘But how?’

  ‘With this,’ Dr Trifle said, taking off Ray’s collar. ‘I
nside the collar is a tiny Purr Detector. When Ray purrs, this sends a signal to the LMs which move his lips.’

  ‘I guess it’s not such a bad invention,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Unfortunately, the materials to make one are very expensive. I wouldn’t dare tell you how much this one cost,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘And I made another one too,’ he added, taking something out of his pocket. ‘Watch me turn Selby into a Happy Pup.’

  Dr Trifle parted Selby’s lips and pressed the device firmly down over his teeth. He then hooked the Lip Movers over Selby’s lips.

  ‘How are you going to get Selby to purr?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘Happy Pup is different from Happy Cat,’ Dr Trifle explained as he put a tiny band around Selby’s tail. ‘When Selby wags his tail, the Wag Detector sends a signal to the LMs.’

  Mrs Trifle patted Selby and then gave him a big hug. Without thinking, Selby started wagging his tail and at the same moment, his lips began to move.

  ‘He’s smiling!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘That’s wonderful! Oh, Selby, you gorgeous dog you!’

  ‘Hey, this is fun!’ Selby thought. ‘And I can’t even feel it in my mouth.’

  ‘I really wanted to finish this today to play a trick on our old comedian friend.’

  ‘Gary Gaggs?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Oh, yes, his new comedy show, Beyond a Joke!, opens tonight at the Bogusville Bijou Theatre.’

  ‘And he’ll be here for a visit any minute. Here he comes now.’

  Selby watched as Gary Gaggs got out of his car and walked towards the front door.

  ‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘I love that guy but his jokes kill me! It’s all I can do to keep from laughing. And if I laugh, my secret won’t be a secret anymore. I’ve got to get out of here.’

  Selby started for the back door but Dr Trifle grabbed him by the collar.

  ‘Stay here, Selby,’ he said. ‘We’re going to have a little fun with Gary.’

  Dr Trifle adjusted the Wag Detector on Selby’s tail as Mrs Trifle greeted Gary at the door. Gary then burst into the lounge room.

  ‘Gary!’ Dr Trifle said. ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Gary said. ‘Well, except for the fact that I’m stuck in debt. Actually it’s my debt that’s stuck.’

  ‘What do you mean your debt is stuck?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘Well my debt is stuck because I just can’t budget,’ Gary said. ‘Get it? Budge it? Woo woo woo!’ Gary said. ‘Do you like that one?’

  ‘Budge it,’ Selby thought, struggling not to laugh. ‘Oh, that’s a good one!’

  ‘But seriously,’ Gary said. ‘My grandfather died and left me some money in his will. You know what a will is, don’t you? It’s a dead giveaway!’

  ‘A dead giveaway,’ Selby really had to struggle not to laugh at that one. ‘Oh, no, I can’t stand this.’

  Suddenly Selby felt his lips moving.

  ‘Oh, no! I’m smiling!’ he thought. ‘I’m trying not to but I am!’

  Gary gave Selby a stunned look. ‘That dog is smiling!’ he said.

  ‘You said something funny, Gary,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘What did you expect?’

  As Selby’s smile faded, Gary looked him in the eyes.

  ‘Did I tell you about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?’ he asked. ‘He’s completely recovered now! Woo woo woo! Get it? Upholstery machine? Re-covered?’

  Again Selby felt his lips move. This time he noticed that Dr Trifle was moving his hand back and forth.

  ‘He’s moving the Wag Detector,’ Selby thought. ‘And Gary doesn’t notice.’

  ‘Selby did it again!’ Gary screeched. ‘He smiled at me! I’ve never seen a dog smile before!’

  ‘Selby is a very special dog,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘He understands everything we say. And he’s got a great sense of humour.’

  ‘Does he, really?’ Gary said. ‘How about this one: I had a fried egg for breakfast. A fried egg for breakfast is hard to beat!’

  ‘A fried egg is hard to beat!’ Selby thought. ‘That’s great! I love this Happy Pup thing because now I don’t have to struggle not to smile.’

  ‘I can’t believe this!’ Gary exclaimed. ‘I had no idea Selby was that smart. When did you find out?’

  ‘We found out that he could understand us a long time ago didn’t we, Selby?’ Dr Trifle said.

  Selby smiled.

  ‘It’s a pity you can’t talk to us, isn’t it, Selby?’

  Selby smiled again.

  ‘Hey, hang on!’ Gary said. ‘What’s that thing in your hand? You’re shaking something.’

  ‘What, this?’ Dr Trifle said showing him the Wag Detector.

  Dr Trifle shook it and as Selby smiled, he grabbed the Happy Pup device and pulled it out of Selby’s mouth.

  Gary let out a great laugh. ‘You rascal, you,’ he said. ‘You had me fooled. How does it work?’

  ‘Nothing to it. When you shake this,’ Dr Trifle said, holding up the Wag Detector, ‘the Lip Movers make him smile.’

  ‘I’ve got a great idea!’ Gary said. ‘I could use Selby in my show. May I borrow him?’

  ‘It’s okay with me,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘And me,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Sometimes I think he likes having an audience.’

  ‘This is great!’ Selby thought. ‘Now I can see Gary’s show from right up close. I can’t wait!’ That evening Gary stood on the stage of the Bogusville Bijou Theatre doing his show.

  ‘Good evening, ladies and germs,’ he said. ‘I’m Gary Gaggs and this is Beyond a Joke! Tonight, as well as my usual show, we have a special guest star … the one … the only … Smiling Selby.’

  The audience cheered and Gary started his show.

  Every time Gary told a joke he secretly moved the pocket in his jacket back and forth. The audience laughed and Selby smiled along with them — which made the audience roar even louder.

  ‘The other day I went fly-fishing in Bogusville Creek,’ Gary said. ‘At the end of the day I’d caught three hundred flies. Woo woo woo! But seriously, folks, a fellow goes into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m shrinking!” and the doctor says, “Be a little patient, will you?"’

  ‘Oh, I love these jokes!’ Selby thought.

  ‘A woman says to a doctor, “I’m turning into a kleptomaniac!” and the doctor says, “What are you taking for it?” Woo woo woo! I wanted to feed the pigeons in the park so I went to a pet-food shop. I said, “Do you sell pigeons’ seed?” And they said, “We do, but only if they’re accompanied by a person."’

  In the front row, Dr and Mrs Trifle had tears of laughter streaming down their faces.

  ‘A fellow goes into the Registry office and he says, “I want to marry my sister.” And the clerk says, “That’s out of the question! It’s against the law!” And the fellow says, “But hang on, I’m the minister."’

  ‘Oh, I get it,’ Selby thought. ‘The minister’s the one performing the marriage.’

  The audience roared and then roared again when Selby smiled.

  ‘A woman goes into a butcher shop and says, “Give me half a kilo of kiddies.” And the butcher says, “Kiddies? Don’t you mean kidneys?” And she said, “That’s what I said, diddle I?"’

  ‘It’s all I can do to keep from laughing,’ Selby thought. ‘But at least I’m smiling.’

  Towards the end of the show, someone in the audience yelled out, ‘How does the dog do it?’

  ‘Selby likes a joke as much as the next man — I mean, as the next dog,’ Gary said. ‘And I’m afraid that’s all we have time for tonight. So this is me, Gary Gaggs, bidding you farewell and saying, this is Beyond a Joke!

  ‘They loved it!’ Mrs Trifle said after the show. ‘Oh, Gary, that was your greatest show ever!’

  ‘And Selby made it even greater,’ Gary said. ‘Didn’t you, little guy?’

  ‘I certainly did,’ Selby thought.

  ‘I’d better go now,’ Gary said. ‘Would you mind if I borrow Selby again?’

  ‘No
, but I’d better make some minor adjustments to the Wag Detector,’ Dr Trifle said, putting out his hand.

  ‘Yes, certainly,’ Gary said, reaching into his pocket. ‘Oops. Where is it? Oh, now I remember, I left it in my other jacket. I’ll get it.’

  Just as Gary started to walk away, Dr Trifle said, ‘Now wait a minute. If you didn’t have it in your jacket pocket then how did Selby smile?’

  ‘Yes,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘How did he?’

  Selby looked up at the three puzzled faces staring down at him.

  ‘Uh–oh,’ he thought. ‘I was really smiling.’

  ‘Selby!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Did you understand Gary’s jokes?’

  ‘Please don’t look at me that way, you guys,’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t stand it.’

  ‘I can’t think of any other explanation,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘He must be able to understand plain English.’

  ‘And my jokes too,’ Gary said.

  ‘Oh, no, I’ll have to confess,’ Selby thought.

  ‘Let me tell him another joke,’ Gary said. ‘A bloke goes into a butcher shop and he said, “Give me two of your best steaks and make them lean.” And the butcher says, “Which way?” Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Lean. Which way,’ Selby thought, struggling not to laugh or smile. ‘Any second now I’m going to crack! Oh, I hope Gary doesn’t tell another joke!’

  ‘I’ll tell him another one,’ Gary said. ‘I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded. Then I got a job cutting down trees, but I couldn’t hack it. They gave me the axe. Woo woo woo!’

  Selby suddenly had an idea. Working his tongue down under the Lip Mover, he prised it loose and popped it up into the middle of his mouth. Then, with one almighty chomp he crushed it, leaving some of it lodged between his teeth.

  ‘He’s smiling again,’ Gary said. ‘You see? He does understand!’

  ‘Oh, Selby!’ Mrs Trifle said, hugging him. ‘Hey, hang on. What’s this?’

  Mrs Trifle pulled Selby’s lips apart. ‘The silly thing’s stuck between poor Selby’s teeth,’ she said, pulling it out. ‘You poor dear. You weren’t smiling after all. You were just trying to get that nasty thing out of your mouth. Oh Selby, I’m so sorry.’