Selby Selection Read online

  ‘Oh, how I wish she was the girl next door to me!’ Selby squealed.

  ‘Well then, Bonnie. May I ask you some personal questions?’

  ‘Nothing is too personal. I’m an actress and I belong to the world,’ Bonnie said. ‘I suppose you want to talk about my break-up with Todd Delvane?’

  ‘Yes. What went wrong between you and Todd?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Bonnie sighed. ‘He was an actor, too, you know. I think he became jealous of my fame. That’s when — I don’t know how to say this because Todd is such a dear, sweet person — but that’s when his life went out of control.’

  ‘Was he cruel to you?’

  ‘Yes. I finally had to ask him to leave.’

  ‘If I ever see that Todd guy,’ Selby thought, ‘I’ll bite him into next week! How could he be cruel to such a wonderful, sensitive person?’

  ‘He was your sixth husband, is that right?’ the interviewer asked.

  ‘I don’t know — I guess so.’

  ‘And you have had six husbands in only five years.’

  ‘They were all very nice men,’ Bonnie said. ‘But none of them could handle my fame. It’s been a difficult time. Then I lost Tiddles.’

  ‘Tiddles? Was he a — friend?’

  ‘He was my dog.’

  ‘And you never found him?’

  ‘No, I don’t mean that sort of lost. Tiddles fell off the balcony of my apartment.’

  ‘Was it a long way down?’

  ‘Yes. I live on the thirty-fourth floor.’

  ‘So he’s —’

  ‘Dead,’ Bonnie sniffed.

  Tears formed in Bonnie’s eyes and in Selby’s at the same time.

  ‘I didn’t buy him,’ she added. ‘He just came into my life. It was fate. I was taking my evening walk by the beach and there he was, lost and hungry. I took him home and tried to find his owners but I couldn’t. He must have lost his collar. That little dog became the most loving friend I’ve ever had.’

  ‘Oh, how I’d love to be Bonnie’s loving dog-friend,’ Selby thought. The tears now streamed down his face. ‘I mean, I love the Trifles, but they’re like parents to me. What I need is someone like Bonnie. Oh, how I wish I could marry her and live happily ever after.’

  ‘Tiddles meant so much to me that — I know this will sound stupid — but I wish I could have married him.’

  ‘I don’t think they let people marry dogs,’ the interviewer said.

  ‘I know, but if I could find a dog that could talk, he would be my dream companion. There would be no silly career jealousies or competing with each other.’

  ‘If you had a talking dog I’m afraid he’d get much more attention than you,’ the interviewer laughed. ‘He’d be on the news all over the world every day. You’d have reporters camped on your doorstep. You’d never get any peace.’

  ‘You’re right,’ Bonnie sighed. ‘What I really want is a dog who can talk but who keeps it a secret from everyone but me.’

  ‘If I ever hear of one, I’ll tell you,’ the interviewer laughed.

  ‘Yes, I know it’s an impossible dream, but that’s where my heart is right now.’

  ‘You mean a possible dream!’ Selby shouted at the TV. ‘And I am your dream dog! Oh, lucky me! I’ve just found my dream companion! Now all I have to do is ring her up and tell her that I’m a talking dog and that I’m in love with her. Hmmm, let’s see now, she lives in one of those high-rise apartments at Bandicoot Bay. I’ll see if she’s in the phone book. But, hold the show! She won’t believe that I’m a dog. The only way to do this is to go there so that she can see that I’m a real live talking, feeling dog.’

  And so it was that Selby crept into the luggage compartment of a Bandicoot Bay-bound bus and bounced around all night till the bus reached the Bay.

  ‘Now to find Bonnie’s apartment,’ Selby thought as he looked at the photos he’d torn from a fan magazine. ‘Aha! There it is: the apartment block with the pink flamingo painted on the side. This is going to be easy.’

  Selby raced along the footpath to the front door but, as he entered, a man in a doorman’s suit came rushing toward him.

  ‘Where do you think you’re going?!’ the man yelled.

  Selby turned and ran out again, feeling the doorman’s boot hit his bottom as he did.

  Soon the sun set and a cold rain began to fall. Selby was now too weak and exhausted to even think of catching the bus back.

  ‘Why did I come here?’ he thought. ‘I should have known that a mega TV soapie star would have a doorman to keep undesirables — and dogs — away. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I’ll just have a snooze and then catch the bus to Bogusville in the morning.’

  Selby lay down. He felt the hard ground under him. He trembled all over and hunger pangs gripped his stomach. He drifted in and out of a dream.

  Suddenly a hand reached out and touched him.

  ‘Oh, you poor dear. Are you all right?’ a sweet voice asked. ‘How did you get here? What’s wrong? Are you okay? You look hungry and tired and cold. Let me take you home with me.’

  Selby turned his tired head to one side. It was her! Bonnie Blake! And she was putting her coat around him and lifting him into her arms.

  The next thing Selby knew he was in Bonnie’s apartment.

  ‘Oh, you poor dear,’ she said again, putting a plate of real people-food in front of him. ‘Here, eat this. I’ll run a good hot bath for you. Oh, what a wonderful little guy you are.’

  ‘This is it!’ Selby thought. ‘This is my big chance! I have to talk to her!’

  And so it was that Selby finally said the near-fatal words: ‘Bonnie, I think I love you.’

  ‘You — you — what?!’ the startled star said. ‘Did you just speak?’

  ‘Yes, I did, Bonnie.’

  ‘But dogs can’t speak!’

  ‘I am Selby, the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world.’

  ‘B-But how did you learn to talk?’

  ‘It just happened. I was watching TV and suddenly I could understand everything. Then I taught myself to talk.’

  ‘Were you watching Restless Hearts Aflame?’

  ‘No, it was before that,’ Selby admitted.

  ‘And where do you live?’

  ‘In a little town called Bogusville. My owners don’t know that I know how to talk. You’re the only one who does. Can I live with you from now on?’

  ‘And be my loving friend?’

  ‘You’ve got it.’

  ‘Oh, Selby darling,’ Bonnie gushed. ‘Now I can stop my never-ending search for a gentle, kind, considerate man — because I know there aren’t any anyway.’

  ‘It’ll be just me and you, Bonnie baby.’

  ‘Yes, but you have to promise me one thing, Sel darling.’

  ‘That I’ll never tell anyone that I can talk, is that it?’ Selby said.

  ‘How did you guess?’

  ‘I heard you say it on TV. Of course I won’t, Bonnie darling.’

  ‘Oh Selby, Selby, Selby,’ Bonnie said, kissing Selby gently on the lips. ‘You are the most wonderful being on this whole crazy planet.’

  In the days that followed, every morning Bonnie went off to the studio while Selby lazed around watching video tapes of every episode of Restless Hearts Aflame.

  In the evening, Bonnie would cook fabulous meals and then they’d sit together holding hands and paws and gazing into each other’s eyes.

  But then one day when Bonnie was about to leave for work she said: ‘Oh, Selly-belly baby.’

  ‘Yes, Bon-bon?’ Selby responded.

  ‘Would little Selby-welby mind awfully-waffly making din-dins for us tonight?’

  ‘Of course I wouldn’t mind. I think I saw some recipe books on the shelf. I think I can follow a recipe.’

  ‘Oh, and would you make the beddy-weddies?’

  ‘Yes, darling Bonnie-wonnie.’

  Bonnie stood there in the doorway, smiling and blinking her long, curvy eyelash
es.

  ‘And could you do some sweeping and mopping and vacuuming, and then wash the windows and polish the furniture?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes, of course, darling.’

  ‘Oh, and Sel.’

  ‘Yes, Bon?’

  ‘Could you clean the toilet?’

  ‘The toilet? For you, my dear, I would do anything.’

  However, day after day Selby found that he was doing more and more work. Sometimes when Bonnie arrived home he didn’t even feel like a cuddle because he was so exhausted. Bonnie had him writing cheques to pay the bills and phoning people to make appointments for her with her hairdresser and her manicurist.

  And then one fateful day Bonnie said: ‘Selby’ (she didn’t call him ‘Sel', or ‘darling', or ‘dear', or ‘Selby-welby', just ‘Selby'), ‘how are you going to earn some money? I mean, so far, I’ve earned all the money around here. Isn’t it about time you helped out? Think about it.’

  ‘I just thought about it, Bonnie,’ Selby said, sort of snappily (without saying ‘Bon-bon', or ‘Bonsiewonsie', or ‘Bonnie-poo'), ‘and I don’t like the idea. Besides, how could I possibly get a job?’

  ‘You could tell everyone you can talk and then get acting parts for talking dogs on TV. I could be your agent. We’d make a bomb. Then I could retire and just lie around the way you do.’

  ‘Lie around?! Are you kidding?! I run myself ragged all day long just to give you a comfortable home! I cleaned the toilet three times this week and you didn’t even notice! You don’t appreciate me.’

  Bonnie gave him an icy stare.

  ‘What kind of dog are you?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m a good dog, basically. I mean, I try to be a good dog but you’ve pushed me too far!’

  ‘I don’t mean that. I mean what kind of dog are you, a beagle or something?’

  ‘No, I’m not a beagle. I’m bigger than a beagle.’

  ‘But you’re still a short dog. You’re not one of those tall, handsome dogs like an Alsatian or a Russian wolfhound.’

  ‘Okay, so I’m short. You knew I was short when you met me. You didn’t mind it then.’

  ‘It’s just you I mind. You remind me of my sixth husband.’

  ‘Well, I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for all of them! I’ll bet you drove them all bonkers. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if Tiddles didn’t fall off that balcony of yours. He probably jumped!’

  Bonnie’s lip curled, her eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared.

  ‘You’re right,’ she said, suddenly lifting Selby up and carrying him onto the balcony. ‘He didn’t fall.’

  ‘You threw him off!’ Selby screamed. ‘You killed him because he wouldn’t wait on you hand and foot! Put me down, you murderer!’

  ‘I’ll put you down, all right — thirty-four storeys down. Look out below!’ she screamed.

  Selby could feel the wind whistling past his ears. Suddenly he felt the hard ground under him. He trembled all over and hunger pangs gripped his stomach. He drifted in and out of a dream.

  Suddenly a hand reached out and touched him.

  ‘Oh, you poor dear. Are you all right?’ It was Bonnie’s sweet voice. ‘How did you get here? What’s wrong? Are you okay? You look hungry and tired and cold.’

  ‘It’s her again!’ Selby thought. ‘First she tried to kill me and now she’s going to be nice to me! She’s a stark, raving loony!’

  ‘Oh, you poor little doggy-woggy.’

  ‘Now hang on,’ Selby thought. ‘I don’t think I was dropped off that building after all. If I was, I’d be dead. I must have been dreaming all that stuff about me and Bonnie ever since I lay down here. Why, I haven’t been in her apartment at all!’

  ‘Let me take you home with me,’ Bonnie said as she started to pick him up.

  ‘Oh, no you don’t!’ Selby said, and he broke free.

  ‘You talked! Good grief! I just heard you talk!’

  ‘Of course I talked! Now get away from me!’

  ‘But you’re what I’ve been looking for all my life! You’d be my dream companion! Oh, please, please come back to me.’

  ‘Not on your life!’ Selby yelled over his shoulder as he started to run. ‘You’d have me cleaning toilets in no time.’

  ‘Toilets? What are you talking about?’

  ‘You’ll say you won’t but I can’t take that chance from now on. From now on I’m going to be my own dog and nobody’s ever going to boss me around!’

  And in a few minutes Selby was back on the Bogusville-bound bus, bumping around in the luggage compartment again. And the next morning he saw Bonnie on the TV news telling an interviewer about the talking dog she’d seen.

  (Of course nobody believed her.)

  ‘She’s sooooo beautiful!’ Selby thought. ‘And she’s probably a wonderful person. But I guess I’ll never know, because I’m going to stay with the Trifles forever. They are my real dream companions.’

  ‘Selby Lovestruck’ first appeared in the book Selby Snowbound.

  Jokes Jokes Jokes

  A woman was in an art gallery. She said to a guard, ‘What a hideous portrait! How could they hang such an ugly painting?!’ The guard said, ‘Excuse me, madam, but that’s a mirror.’

  I used to have an alarm clock, but had to throw it away because it kept going off when I was asleep.

  I was having lunch in a restaurant and I looked over and saw a guy eating a light globe. I said, ‘Excuse me, but why are you eating that?’ And he said, ‘I only wanted a light meal.

  ‘This little spider said to his mother, ‘Mum, are we poisonous?’ His mother said, ‘Why do you ask?’ And the little spider said, ‘Because I just bit my tongue.’

  On a really hot summer day I saw my neighbour painting the side of his house. I said to him, ‘Why are you wearing two jackets?’ And he said, ‘The directions on the can say “Put on two coats".’

  This kid’s mother said, ‘Is it okay if I put the dinner on now?’ And the kid said, ‘Sure, but you look fine just the way you are.’

  A girl found her little brother chewing up her favourite book. She snatched it away from him and said, ‘What do you think you’re doing?!’ The kid was shocked. He said, ‘You took the words right out of my mouth.

  ‘A mother frog gave her son three books for his birthday. The little frog looked at them and said,’Reddit, reddit, redditi’

  And then there was the chef who jumped into a trifle. The police took him into custard–y.

  What’s the difference between a postbox and an elephant? Give up? Well, remind me never to ask you to post a letter!

  A baby astronaut wouldn’t go to sleep. His mother had to put him in a bed and rock it.

  On a very fast aeroplane one of the cabin crew made an announcement. She said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I just wanted to tell you that we’re now going faster than the speed of sound.’ A guy in the back yelled out, ‘Then why is it I can hear you?’

  A church bell was ringing very loudly. The minister was standing in the doorway and a woman walked by with her fingers in her ears. She said, ‘That bell needs paint.’ The minister said, ‘Why do you say that?’ And she said, ‘Because it’s pealing.’

  A bushwalker was walking along a road through the mountains. He passed a house with a woman sitting on the verandah. He called out, ‘Will this road take me to the town?’ And the woman said, ‘No, you’ll have to walk by yourself.’

  A snowman decided to go for a walk on a hot summer’s day. He made a complete pool of himself.

  Two guys were starving in the desert when they came across a couple of slices of bread. One of the guys was about to eat his when he saw a big weevil in it. ‘I can’t eat this,’ he said, ‘it’s got a big weevil in it!’ The other guy looked at his slice. That had a little weevil in it. The first guy grabbed the other’s slice and gobbled it down. ‘Why’d you do that?’ the other guy asked. And the first guy said, ‘I thought it was the lesser of two weevils.’

  I was walking across a farmer’s fiel
d and a dog started growling and chasing me. I tried to outrun him but he was too fast. He caught up to me and pinched me. I think he was a Doberman Pinscher.

  A guy wanted to teach his dog to go for rides on trains, but the dog wouldn’t do it. He tried everything but he just couldn’t train him.

  My dog once chased a really smoky truck down the street till he was completely exhausted.

  After that he became very lazy: he only ever chased parked cars.

  Once he found one with the keys in it so he hopped in and drove it into the city. But he couldn’t find a barking space.

  I have a long-haired cat. I took her to one of those places where they wash them and cut their hair. They gave her a purrrrrmanent.

  I was standing in a field and I heard an insect going zzub zzub zzub. It was a bee flying backwards.

  A woman was working in her office when her secretary came in and said, ‘The invisible man is here.’ So the woman said, ‘Tell him that I’m sorry, but I can’t see him.’

  The judge said, ‘I find you not guilty of bank robbery.’ And the prisoner said, ‘Good. Does that mean I get to keep the money?’

  My little brother said to me, ‘Did you know that someone once made a pizza the size of a cricket oval?’ And I said, ‘I find that hard to swallow.’

  A plastic surgeon ran into a burning building and melted.

  I knew a guy who crossed his dog with a parrot and got a walkie-talkie. Then he crossed a tortoise with an owl. He got something that moves very slowly but doesn’t give a hoot.

  I bought two candles and the salesman said, ‘This one’s a boy candle and this one’s a girl candle.’ I said, ‘A boy candle and a girl candle? I’ve never heard of such a thing.’ And he said, ‘Make sure you separate them or they’ll go out together.’

  I was leaving the beach and a guy said, ‘Are you tan from the sun?’ And I said, ‘No, I’m Gary from the earth.’