Selby's Stardom Read online

  Dr Trifle parted Selby’s lips and pressed the device firmly down over his teeth. He then hooked the Lip Movers over Selby’s lips.

  ‘How are you going to get Selby to purr?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘Happy Pup is different from Happy Cat,’ Dr Trifle explained as he put a tiny band around Selby’s tail. ‘When Selby wags his tail the Wag Detector sends a signal to the LMs.’

  Mrs Trifle patted Selby and then gave him a big hug. Without thinking, Selby started wagging his tail and at the same moment, his lips began to move.

  ‘He’s smiling!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘That’s wonderful! Oh, Selby, you gorgeous dog you!’

  ‘Hey, this is fun!’ Selby thought. ‘And I can’t even feel it in my mouth.’

  ‘I really wanted to finish this today to play a trick on our old comedian friend.’

  ‘Gary Gaggs?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Oh, yes, his new comedy show, Beyond a Joke!, opens tonight at the Bogusville Bijou Theatre.’

  ‘And he’ll be here for a visit any minute now.’

  Mrs Trifle was a little cross because Dr Trifle hadn’t told her to expect company. She was about to say something when Dr Trifle said, ‘Here he comes now.’

  Selby watched as Gary Gaggs got out of his car and walked towards the front door.

  ‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘I love that guy but his jokes kill me! It’s all I can do to keep from laughing. And if I laugh, my secret won’t be a secret anymore. I’ve got to get out of here.’

  Selby started for the back door but Dr Trifle grabbed him by the collar.

  ‘Stay here, Selby,’ he said. ‘We’re going to have a little fun with Gary.’

  Dr Trifle adjusted the Wag Detector on Selby’s tail as Mrs Trifle greeted Gary at the door. Gary then burst into the lounge room.

  ‘Gary!’ Dr Trifle said. ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Gary said. ‘Well, except for the fact that I’m stuck in debt. Actually it’s my debt that’s stuck.’

  ‘What do you mean your debt is stuck?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘Well my debt is stuck because I just can’t budget,’ Gary said. ‘Get it? Budge it? Woo woo woo,’ Gary said, strutting around like a chicken. ‘Do you like that one?’

  ‘Budge it,’ Selby thought, struggling not to laugh. ‘Oh, that’s a good one!’

  ‘But seriously,’ Gary said. ‘My grandfather died and left me some money in his will. You know what a will is, don’t you? It’s a dead giveaway! Woo woo woo.’

  ‘A dead giveaway,’ Selby really had to struggle not to laugh at that one. ‘Oh, no, I can’t stand this.’

  Suddenly Selby felt his lips moving.

  ‘Oh, no! I’m smiling!’ he thought. ‘I’m trying not to but I am!’

  Gary gave Selby a stunned look.

  ‘That dog is smiling!’ he said.

  ‘You said something funny, Gary,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘What did you expect?’

  As Selby’s smile faded, Gary looked him in the eyes.

  ‘Did I tell you about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?’ he asked. ‘He’s completely recovered now! Woo woo woo. Get it? Upholstery machine? Re-covered?’

  Again Selby felt his lips move. This time he noticed that Dr Trifle was moving his hand back and forth.

  ‘He’s moving the Wag Detector,’ Selby thought. ‘And Gary doesn’t notice.’

  ‘Selby did it again!’ Gary screeched. ‘He smiled at me! I’ve never seen a dog smile before!’

  ‘Selby is a very special dog,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘He understands everything we say. And he’s got a great sense of humour.’

  ‘Does he, really?’ Gary said. ‘How about this one: I had a fried egg for breakfast. A fried egg for breakfast is hard to beat!’

  ‘A fried egg is hard to beat!’ Selby thought. ‘That’s great! I love this Happy Pup thing because now I don’t have to struggle not to smile.’

  ‘I can’t believe this!’ Gary exclaimed. ‘I had no idea Selby was that smart. When did you find out?’

  ‘We found out that he could understand us a long time ago didn’t we, Selby?’ Dr Trifle said.

  Selby smiled.

  ‘It’s a pity you can’t talk to us, isn’t it, Selby?’

  Selby smiled again.

  ‘Hey, hang on!’ Gary said. ‘What’s that thing in your hand? You’re shaking something.’

  ‘What, this?’ Dr Trifle said showing him the Wag Detector.

  Dr Trifle shook it and as Selby smiled, he grabbed the Happy Pup device and pulled it out of Selby’s mouth. Gary let out a great laugh.

  ‘You rascal, you,’ he said. ‘You had me fooled. How does it work?’

  ‘Nothing to it. You shake this,’ Dr Trifle said, opening Selby’s lips. ‘And this bit makes him smile.’

  ‘I’ve got a great idea!’ Gary said. ‘I could use Selby in my show. May I borrow him?’

  ‘It’s okay with me,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘And me,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Sometimes I think he likes having an audience.’

  ‘This is great!’ Selby thought. Now I can see Gary’s show from right up close. I can’t wait!’

  That evening Gary stood on stage of the Bogusville Bijou Theatre doing his show.

  ‘Good evening ladies and germs,’ he said. ‘I’m Gary Gaggs and this is Beyond a Joke! Tonight, as well as my usual show, we have a special guest star … the one … the only … Smiling Selby.’

  The audience cheered and Gary started his show.

  Every time Gary told a joke he secretly moved the pocket in his jacket back and forth. The audience laughed and Selby smiled along with them — which made the audience roar even louder.

  ‘The other day I went fly-fishing in Bogusville Creek,’ Gary said. ‘At the end of the day I’d caught three hundred flies. Woo woo woo! But seriously, folks, a fellow goes into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m shrinking!” and the doctor says, “Be a little patient, will you?” Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Oh, I love these jokes!’ Selby thought.

  ‘A woman says to a doctor, “I’m turning into a kleptomaniac!” and the doctor says, “What are you taking for it?” Woo woo woo! I wanted to feed the pigeons in the park so I went to a pet food shop. I said, “Do you sell pigeons’ seed?” And they said, “We do, but only if they’re accompanied by a person.” Woo woo woo!’

  In the front row, Dr and Mrs Trifle had tears of laughter streaming down their faces.

  ‘A fellow goes into the Registry office and he says, “I want to marry my sister.” And the clerk says, “That’s out of the question! It’s against the law!” And the fellow says, “But hang on, I’m the minister.”’

  ‘Oh, I get it,’ Selby thought. ‘The minister’s the one performing the marriage.’

  The audience roared and then roared again when Selby smiled.

  ‘A woman goes into a butcher shop and says, “Give me half a kilo of kiddies.”And the butcher says, “Kiddies? Don’t you mean kidneys?” And she said. “That’s what I said, diddle I?”’

  ‘It’s all I can do to keep from laughing,’ Selby thought. ‘But at least I’m smiling.’

  Towards the end of the show, someone in the audience yelled out,’ How does the dog do it?’

  ‘Selby likes a joke as much as the next man — I mean, as the next dog,’ Gary said. ‘And I’m afraid that’s all we have time for tonight. So this is me, Gary Gaggs, bidding you farewell and saying, this is Beyond a Joke!’

  ‘They loved it!’ Mrs Trifle said after the show. ‘Oh, Gary, that was your greatest show ever!’

  ‘And Selby made it even greater,’ Gary said. ‘Didn’t you, little guy?’

  ‘I certainly did,’ Selby thought.

  ‘I’d better go now,’ Gary said. ‘Would you mind if I borrow Selby again?’

  ‘No, but I’d better make some minor adjustments to the Wag Detector,’ Dr Trifle said, putting out his hand.

  ‘Yes, certainly,’ Gary said, reaching into his pocket. ‘Oops. Where is i
t? Oh, now I remember, I left it in my other jacket. I’ll get it.’

  Just as Gary started to walk away, Dr Trifle said, ‘Now wait a minute. If you didn’t have it in your jacket pocket then how did Selby smile?’

  ‘Yes,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘How did he?’

  Selby looked up at the three puzzled faces staring down at him.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ he thought. ‘I was really smiling.’

  ‘Selby!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Did you understand Gary’s jokes?’

  ‘Please don’t look at me that way, you guys,’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t stand it.’

  ‘I can’t think of any other explanation,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘He must be able to understand plain English.’

  ‘And my jokes too,’ Gary asked.

  ‘Oh, no, I’ll have to confess,’ Selby thought.

  ‘Let me tell him another joke,’ Gary said. ‘A bloke goes into a butcher shop and he said, “Give me two of your best steaks and make them lean.” And the butcher says, “Which way?” Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Lean. Which way,’ Selby thought, struggling not to laugh or smile. ‘Any second now I’m going to crack! Oh, I hope Gary doesn’t tell another joke!’

  ‘I’ll tell him another one,’ Gary said. ‘I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded. Then I got a job cutting down trees, but I couldn’t hack it. They gave me the axe. Woo woo woo!’

  Selby suddenly had an idea. Working his tongue down under the Lip Mover, he prised it loose and popped it up into the middle of his mouth. Then, with one almightly chomp he crushed it, leaving some of it lodged between his teeth.

  ‘He’s smiling again?’ Gary said. ‘You see? He does understand!’

  ‘Oh, Selby!’ Mrs Trifle said, hugging him. ‘Hey, hang on. What’s this?’

  Mrs Trifle pulled Selby’s lips apart. ‘The silly thing’s stuck between poor Selby’s teeth,’ she said, pulling it out. ‘You poor dear. You weren’t smiling after all. You were just trying to get that nasty thing out of your mouth. Oh, Selby, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘I think I’ll have to scrap this idea,’ Dr Trifle said, looking at what was left of the Lip Mover. ‘It’s obviously not safe and, besides, it’s already cost me a fortune.’

  ‘That’s nothing compared to what it almost cost me,’ Selby thought.

  And he was so relieved that he could barely keep from smiling.

  Sue the Gymnast

  A gymnast by the name of Sue

  Once rubbed herself with superglue

  Then climbed up on her trampoline

  But stopped midway through her routine

  Sue-perior, is how she’s feeling

  She’s so stuck up – against the ceiling.

  Selby’s Good Deed

  ‘I’m worried about Digger Dave,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’m afraid he’s not well enough and strong enough to look after himself.’

  ‘Isn’t there a nurse who could come in every day and check up on him?’ asked Dr Trifle.

  ‘Well, yes, we tried that but he’s very independent. He told her to go away.’

  ‘How about the group who come around and give old people food?’

  ‘He doesn’t want them either.’

  ‘Maybe he should be in a nursing home where they’d look after him?’ suggested Dr Trifle, trying to be helpful.

  ‘He hates that idea even more than having people come around to help him,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Does he have any relatives who could care for him?’

  ‘He used to live with his daughter in the city but they had a fight and she kicked him out. He was not as weak then.’

  ‘Kicked him out? What kind of daughter would do a thing like that?’

  ‘One who couldn’t stand a grumpy old man complaining all the time, I suspect,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I believe he’s quite impossible to live with.’

  ‘Pets are good for old people,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘They’re good company. You can talk to them and they don’t talk back. Just looking after a pet can give people the bit of exercise they need.’

  ‘The Council tried to get a dog from the RSPCA but Digger Dave refused. He had a dog that he adored but it died. Now he says he doesn’t want another dog because it would outlive him and then no one would want to take an old dog.’ Mrs Trifle thought for a moment, then said, ‘But what if we were to lend him one for a while? I think I could talk him into that.’

  ‘You don’t mean …?’ Dr Trifle said, looking over at Selby.

  ‘Oh, yes, I do,’ Mrs Trifle said, looking at Selby too.

  ‘Oh, no, you don’t!’ Selby thought as he looked back at the Trifles. ‘I’m not going to live with old grumpy-guts for even a second!’

  ‘Hello Dave, how are you?’ Mrs Trifle said brightly. She’d decided to visit and see how Dave got on with Selby.

  ‘What would you care?’ Digger Dave said, squinting through filthy glasses. ‘And don’t even try to give me that flea-bitten dog.’

  ‘Give him to you?’ Mrs Trifle said, patting Selby. ‘I just wondered if you could look after him for a few days.’

  ‘Look after him yourself. Now buzz off.’

  Mrs Trifle ignored Digger Dave’s rudeness and said, ‘Dr Trifle and I are going away for a week and we can’t take him with us.’ It wasn’t the truth but it was the only way Mrs Trifle could think of to get Dave to say yes.

  ‘Say no, Digger,’ Selby thought. ‘Please say no.’

  ‘No!’ said Digger Dave. ‘Get that ugly dog out of here!’

  ‘Phew!’ Selby thought. ‘Thank goodness for that.’

  ‘Then I guess we’ll have to have him put down,’ Mrs Trifle lied again. ‘There’s no one to care for him.’

  ‘Oh, that’s charming!’ Selby thought.

  Digger Dave gave Mrs Trifle a fierce look.

  ‘You would kill that mutt because you can’t get anyone to feed him for a week?’

  ‘It would be the kindest thing for him,’ Mrs Trifle sniffed. She hated lying but she was so concerned about Digger Dave that she felt she had no choice. ‘Better that than having him starve to death.’

  ‘You horrid woman! Give me that dog!’ Dave exploded, grabbing Selby’s leash and pulling him into the house. ‘Now get out of here and never come back!’

  Slam!

  ‘Great!’ Selby thought. ‘Now what? Eew! This place stinks. I’ll be out of here and back to the Trifles before old sourpuss can think to blink.’

  ‘Hey, dog, what’s your name?’ Dave said, looking at the tag on Selby’s collar. ‘Selby. Stupid name for a stupid dog. Now my dog Shishkebab, there was a dog. Good old Shish.’

  Selby watched as the old man locked the front door and put the key in his pocket.

  ‘Shishkebab,’ Selby thought. ‘Talk about a silly name.’

  ‘Sit down, Selby. I’ll make you some grub. Ain’t got no dog food though. Guess you’ll have to eat what I eat.’

  ‘Well, that’s one good thing,’ Selby thought. ‘At least I’ll get to eat some people food. Then, after lunch, I’m outta here.’

  Selby looked around the house.

  ‘How can anyone live in a place like this. It’s filthy. And what a pong!’

  Digger Dave opened a can of beans and poured them into a blackened saucepan. He tried to light the flame on the gas stove a couple of times but it wouldn’t light. His hands were shaking too much to keep a match alight.

  ‘Heating things up is a waste of time,’ he said, pouring the beans out onto two plates. ‘Here. Eat up — eat up and shut up,’ he said, giving a little laugh.

  Selby took a mouthful of beans and then spat them back on the plate.

  ‘Yuck!’ he thought. ‘These are even worse than Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits.’

  ‘Hey, you. Eat those. That’s all you’re getting,’ the old man said. ‘Old Shish loved them. What a dog!’

  ‘Yeah, well, you probably killed him with those beans,’ Selby thought. ‘Now to look for a way out of this dungeon.’

  Selby pushed away his plate of cold
beans and set about investigating the house for a means of escape.

  The front door and back door were both locked. One by one, Selby crept into the other rooms of the house and tried to raise the windows.

  ‘I don’t think these things have ever been opened,’ Selby thought. ‘No wonder it stinks in here, there’s never any fresh air.’

  There was one last room but Selby couldn’t go in to check the window without Dave seeing him.

  ‘I know,’ he thought. ‘I’ll trick him into letting me out.’

  Selby scratched at the back door and whimpered.

  ‘Want to go to the loo, do you?’ the old man said.

  Selby watched as the man got an old laundry basket and filled it with crumpled newspapers.

  ‘There you go — your own personal loo,’ he said.

  ‘I’m not doing anything in that contraption,’ Selby thought. ‘What does he think I am, a puppy?’

  Selby watched as Digger Dave finished his beans and slumped down on the dust-covered lounge. It wasn’t long before he started to snore.

  ‘I could wait until he takes me for a walk and then do a runner but he probably never goes out,’ Selby thought. ‘I’ll have to get the front door key.’

  While the old man dozed, Selby carefully worked his paw into Digger Dave’s pocket. Then, just as he touched the key …

  ‘Hey! What’s going on here!’ Digger Dave cried, grabbing Selby’s paw. ‘Get out of it!’

  The old man sat up and laughed.

  ‘You probably just want a pat, don’t you?’ Digger Dave said, pulling Selby up onto the lounge beside him. ‘Shish was with me when I walked across Antarctica and he learnt to do just what you did. He used to put his paws in my pockets to warm them up.’

  ‘Oh, spare me,’ Selby thought. ‘In your dreams you walked across Antarctica. Tell me another one.’

  ‘He was also with me when we got lost up the Amazon,’ the old man said with a laugh. ‘That was an adventure! Made a raft, we did, and floated down the river for a month until someone found us.’