Selby Sorcerer Read online

  A hush fell over the crowd in Bogusville Hall as Mrs Trifle began reading out the names of the winners of the Kids’ Science Quiz.

  ‘And now for the winner from Year 2 …’ Mrs Trifle started.

  Selby looked over at Willy, Billy and Aunt Jetty.

  ‘They’re going to win for sure,’ he thought. ‘And it’s all my fault.’

  ‘And the winner is,’ Mrs Trifle said, holding up the winning quiz paper,’ Mandy Turner!’

  Everyone clapped as the little girl climbed the steps to the stage. Then, just as Mrs Trifle was handing a parcel of books and a certificate to the girl there was a cry from the audience.

  ‘What about my Willy and Billy?’ Aunt Jetty yelled.

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Admit it, Sister,’ Aunt Jetty boomed. ‘Willy and Billy had the best answers. No, no, I know what you’re thinking. I didn’t help them one little bit. I didn’t even see their answers.’

  ‘Then how do you know they were the best answers?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘Well because I … because they told me that they took … I mean …’

  ‘They took?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What exactly did your boys take?’

  ‘They took a lot of time getting all the right answers, that’s all,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘And now you’ve chucked their quiz out because you thought it would look bad for you if they won the prizes. Now tell that little girl to hand over the loot to my boys.’

  ‘I think I can settle this,’ Dr Trifle said.

  Willy and Billy grinned with delight while Dr Trifle looked through a stack of quiz papers.

  ‘Willy and Billy should win a prize,’ he said, holding up their paper. ‘But I’m not exactly sure what prize it should be. You see I’m afraid that the answer to the first question is not: Five, four, three, two, one, blast-off. And the animal with the highest intelligence is not the giraffe. And a caterpillar isn’t a worm with a fur coat. Nor can I agree that rhubarb is celery with high blood pressure. And a volcano isn’t a mountain with hiccups. Would you like me to go on?’

  Selby started smiling as he realised he must have mixed up the papers and had put his answers back in the desk and thrown Dr Trifle’s away.

  By now everyone was screaming with laughter as Aunt Jetty blushed from ear to ear.

  ‘It was that stupid dog!’ Willy screamed, pointing to Selby.

  ‘Yeah, he told us the wrong answers!’ Billy added.

  And with this, the audience laughed even louder.

  Later that day when Dr and Mrs Trifle were safely at home, Mrs Trifle said, ‘I don’t know where the boys got those answers, but you have to admit they were quite funny.’

  ‘Yes,’ Dr Trifle agreed. ‘If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought that Gary Gaggs had answered those questions himself.’

  ‘Well,’ Selby thought as he remembered the wonderful sight of Aunt Jetty dragging her sons out of the hall by their ears, ‘I guess you could say that he did. With a little bit of help from a certain talking dog.’

  Paw note: I can’t tell you right now because it’ll ruin the story. Sorry.

  S

  SAHARA SELBY

  ‘I’m starting to hate sand,’ Selby mumbled as he gazed across the desert. ‘I’ve got sand in my fur, sand in my eyes, and every time I open my mouth sand blows in there too. Oh, and the sun is sooooooo hot! I’m getting sunburnt right through my fur!’

  On the front camel was the Trifles’ old friend Professor Krakpott, from the Department of Old and Crusty Things at Federal University. Behind him were three more camels carrying Mrs Trifle, Dr Trifle, and finally, Selby.

  ‘All this rocking back and forth is making me sea-sick,’ Selby thought. ‘No wonder they call camels the ships of the desert.’

  A line of people on camels passed by going in the opposite direction.

  ‘Now, they’re smart,’ Selby thought. ‘They’re covered from head to foot in cloth with just a slit to see out. That’s what I need.’

  As the day wore on, Selby’s camel began to fall behind the others.

  ‘Come on now, Daisy,’ Selby muttered, tapping the camel on the neck. ‘Get a move on.’

  At the touch of Selby’s paw, Daisy started bucking.

  ‘Stop that!’ Selby said, clinging to his saddle. ‘Okay, go at your own speed.’

  Daisy set off walking again.

  ‘Sheesh!’ Selby thought. ‘She really doesn’t like me. Maybe she’s never been ridden by a dog before.’

  Professor Krakpott stopped and pulled an old map from one of the bags that hung from his camel.

  ‘If this map is correct,’ he said,’ the Lost City of Kakalot should be just about here.’

  ‘How could anyone lose a whole city?’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘Wouldn’t there still be old buildings sticking up?’

  ‘Cities didn’t have tall buildings way back then,’ the professor explained. ‘Just lots of low buildings. When the people moved away to find a better place to live the sand gradually covered up the old city.’

  ‘So how will we find the ruins?’ Dr Trifle asked.

  ‘We must dig, Blinky!’ Professor Krakpott cried, using Dr Trifle’s old nickname. ‘And if we’re very lucky we’ll find something that I’ve been looking for all my life: The Ancient Book of H’ardi-har.‘

  ‘The Ancient Book of H’ardi-har?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Another old book for your Museum of Old and Crusty Things?’

  ‘Yes, but much more than that. You see, the people of Kakalot had a great sense of humour.’

  ‘You’d have to have a great sense of humour to live here,’ Selby thought.

  ‘Apparently the people of Kakalot wrote down all their best jokes,’ Professor Krakpott explained. ‘But the book was lost. If we could find it we could change the world.’

  ‘How can a joke book possibly change the world?’ Dr Trifle asked.

  ‘The point is,’ the professor said, ‘that everyone works too hard these days. And why do they work so hard? Because they think that expensive cars and TVs with huge flat screens and things like that will make them happy. But of course they don’t. Now the people of Kakalot didn’t want cars or TVs because there weren’t any such things. But they had jokes. And they knew that jokes are what really make people happy. So if we can find The Ancient Book of H’ardi-har we could publish it and everyone would read it and be happy and the world would be a better place.’

  ‘I’d be happier if I could just get down from this camel,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘But you don’t get down from a camel,’ the professor said.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You don’t get down from a camel. You get down from a duck!’ Professor Krakpott said, letting out a roar of laughter. ‘Get it? Down? Duck down? Oh, I always loved that one! See, a little joke and we’re happier already. Okay, camels: sit!’

  All four camels suddenly knelt down and then sat, letting everyone climb off. Mrs Trifle lifted Selby from his saddle.

  Soon the bags had been taken off the camels. Selby watched as the others pitched the tent. He then went in and lay down in the shade as the Trifles and the professor dug hole after hole to try to find any sign of the ancient city.

  Selby looked out through the tent door and suddenly saw something strange in the distance.

  Mrs Trifle must have noticed it too because she said, ‘Why does it look all fuzzy over there?’

  ‘Oh my lordy-loo,’ the professor said, putting down his shovel. ‘A sandstorm! Quick! Into the tent!’

  In a second the air was filled with blowing sand. Everyone was inside now and Dr Trifle quickly zipped the tent door closed.

  ‘What about the camels?’ Mrs Trifle yelled over the roar of the wind.

  ‘They’re used to sandstorms,’ Professor Krakpott yelled back. ‘They just curl up with their backs to the wind and let the sand pile up against them.’

  ‘If they run away we’ll never get back,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘They won’t,’ the
professor assured him. Late that night Selby awoke. The storm had stopped. He looked around at the Trifles and Professor Krakpott sleeping peacefully in their sleeping-bags.

  ‘Thank goodness it’s over,’ Selby thought. ‘I thought the tent would blow away. Oh, well, back to sleep. Only first I’ve got to go to the loo.’

  Selby went outside into the moonlight.

  ‘This is soooooo beautiful!’ he thought as he looked around at the silvery sand dunes. ‘But hang on. There’s something missing. The camels! Where are the camels?’

  Panic gripped Selby’s brain.

  ‘I’ve got to tell the others before the camels get too far away. But how can I tell them without giving away my secret? Oh, well, that doesn’t matter now. What matters is being able to get out of here.’

  Selby was about to yell, ‘Hey! Everyone! The camels are gone!’ but before he could, the ground moved beneath his feet.

  ‘Yikes! An earthquake!’ he thought.

  The sand shifted to one side and then rose up and up with Selby still standing on top.

  ‘Daisy! It’s you!’ Selby said, as the other camels lifted their heads from under the sand. ‘You were here all the time. And to think I almost gave away my secret for nothing.’

  Selby was about to jump down from Daisy’s back when the sleepy camel turned to see what was on top of her. Suddenly her eyes opened like saucers and she bolted away as fast as she could with Selby still clinging to her.

  ‘Stop!’ Selby yelled. ‘Don’t panic! It’s only me! Go back, you silly sausage! Whoa! Halt! Oh Daisy, please don’t go any further.’

  Selby grabbed Daisy by the ears and pulled her head back, only to have her buck and send him tumbling to the ground.

  ‘Come back here!’ Selby yelled at the camel as she disappeared over a dune. ‘This is really great! Oh, well, I’ll just follow the tracks back to the tent. I guess we can manage with three camels. Poor Daisy, I hope she finds her way out of the desert.’

  Selby stumbled along in the sand. Soon the sun came up and before long it was beating down and sweat was dripping from his nose. A hot breeze quickly swept away Daisy’s footprints and soon Selby found himself wandering in circles.

  ‘Where’s that tent? It can’t be far,’ Selby thought as he struggled to the top of a sand dune and then slid down the other side. ‘Oh woe, I’m going to die if I stay in this sun much longer.’

  Selby found a flat rock at the bottom of a dune. He sat down and leaned against it.

  ‘I’ve got to have some shade before I frizzle up,’ he thought.

  Selby dug down under the edge of the rock and put his head and front legs down in the shade. But suddenly the sand in front of him started to give way and he was tumbling down to a stone floor below.

  ‘I’m in a room!’ he gasped. ‘What’s it doing here in the middle of the desert? Hello! Anybody here? What am I thinking? Of course there’s no one here. Help, get me out of here!’

  Selby had started to scramble up and out again when he noticed a roll of cloth in the corner. He picked it up and shook the sand out of it.

  ‘It’s filthy,’ he said, ‘but if I put it around me, it’ll protect me from the sun.’

  Selby wrapped the cloth around himself, leaving only a slit for his eyes. Then he struggled up and out of the hole.

  There, to Selby’s great relief, was Daisy.

  ‘You’ve come back, you lovely camel you,’ he said. ‘Please don’t run away from me. If you do, I’m dead. Come on, girl. Steady. Okay, that’s it, now sit!’

  The camel kneeled and then sat.

  ‘Hey, she must think I’m a person,’ Selby thought as he climbed on top of her.

  ‘Okay, now, up!’ Selby said. ‘Let’s start looking around.’

  Selby guided Daisy up to the top of the highest dune. Sure enough, from there he could make out the shape of the tent in the distance.

  ‘Good one, Daze,’ Selby said. ‘Now let’s get over there.’

  Daisy and Selby set off over the burning sand. Minutes passed but there was no sign of the tent again. Selby began to feel dizzy from the heat.

  ‘Oh, no,’ he said finally. ‘We must have gone off in the wrong direction or something. I think we’re lost.’

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ a voice said.

  Selby straightened up and looked at Daisy.

  ‘What did you say? Don’t tell me you know how to talk too and you were only keeping it a secret?’

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ the voice said again.

  Selby turned his head and there was Professor Krakpott.

  ‘Have you seen a dog and a camel?’ the professor asked.

  ‘Gulp,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s talking to me! But he doesn’t know it’s me because of all this cloth wrapped around me.’

  Nearby were Dr and Mrs Trifle.

  ‘Excuse me, sir,’ Mrs Trifle sniffed, ‘but we’ve lost our dog. If you could find him we’d pay you anything you wish.’

  Selby looked at the Trifles. There were tears in their eyes and they were hugging each other.

  ‘This is my fault,’ Mrs Trifle said to Dr Trifle. ‘I never should have brought Selby along.’

  ‘No, it was just as much my fault,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘Oh, poor Dr and Mrs Trifle,’ Selby thought, as tears came to his eyes. ‘If only they knew I was okay. I’ll just take this cloth off and … But wait. I’ve already talked. They’ll know my secret,’ thought Selby suddenly thinking a second thought, ‘I’ve got a better idea.’

  ‘What does this dog of yours look like?’ he asked.

  ‘Well, he’s a boy dog,’ Dr Trifle said, looking up hopefully.

  ‘A boy dog. Ahah!’ Selby said. ‘How big is he?’

  ‘Well, I guess you could say that he’s not too big and not too small.’

  ‘And is he a particularly handsome dog — with a red collar?’

  ‘Well, yes, I mean he certainly has a red collar,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Why?’

  ‘I saw him just a short while ago,’ Selby said.

  ‘Oh, that’s wonderful!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘Where is he?’

  ‘Stay here and I’ll bring him back,’ Selby said.

  Selby turned Daisy around and was about to ride away when Professor Krakpott grabbed her reins and stopped her.

  ‘A man was travelling along a road when he came to a tiny house,’ he said. ‘Outside the house was a fool. The man said to the fool, “I’m a stranger around here. Could you tell me the way to Kakalot?” And the fool said, “I don’t know.” And the man “Then tell me where the next oasis is.” And the fool said, “I don’t know that either.” The man said, “You don’t know very much do you?” And the fool said, “That may be so but at least I’m not lost.” Ha ha ha ha ha.’

  ‘Yes, that was a good one,’ Selby said. ‘Now can I get your dog?’

  ‘You don’t understand,’ the professor said. ‘Do you see the marks all over your cloth? It’s writing. I just read that joke. I do believe that you’re wearing The Ancient Book of H’ardi-har!’

  ‘I’m wearing a book?’ Selby said.

  ‘Yes, and I want it!’ the professor cried, grabbing the cloth and pulling. ‘That’s the very thing I’ve come here to find!’

  ‘Well, you can’t have it,’ Selby cried. ‘Get your grubby mitts off me!’

  ‘I’ll give you anything!’ the professor yelled, pulling even harder. ‘Please!’

  Selby could feel the cloth starting to slip.

  ‘Oh, no!’ he thought. ‘This is it! I can’t let this happen!’

  Suddenly from inside the cloth there was a flash of teeth and a mysterious figure bent down towards the professor’s hand.

  ‘Yowch!’ he cried. ‘You bit me!’

  ‘I’m sorry, but I had to do it. Go, camel! Go!’ Selby yelled as he and Daisy galloped away.

  Minutes later, the startled trio watched as Selby wandered into camp followed closely behind by Daisy the camel.

  ‘Oh Selby!’ Mrs Trifle cried, snatc
hing him up in her arms. ‘Oh, my dear sweet precious dog. Why did you wander off? We were so worried about you. It’s so lovely to have you back with us.’

  Professor Krakpott grabbed Daisy’s reins. Tied to her back was a bundle of cloth.

  ‘The book!’ he cried, spreading the cloth out on the sand for a closer look. ‘That nice man sent the book back after all! He must have felt guilty about biting me. Wasn’t that nice of him to give us something so wonderful and precious? And look at this! It’s not just The Ancient Book of H’ardi-har. It’s got the sequel attached, The Ancient Book of H’ardi-har Har! The world is going to be a much happier place.’

  ‘It already is a much happier place,’ Selby thought, ‘because I’m back with the most wonderful and precious people in the world.’

  SELBY ON THE NOSE

  ‘How would you like to be filthy rich?’ asked Madame Mascara, former fortune-teller and now cosmetics and perfume millionaire. ‘How would you like to fly around in your own private jet, cruise in your own yacht, give away money to the poor and still live in a mansion like mine?’

  ‘It sounds very nice,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘but we’re quite happy living the way that we do. Why do you ask?’

  ‘Because I have a wonderful business opportunity and I think you’re the perfect person for the job.’

  ‘I already have a job. I’m the mayor of Bogusville.’

  ‘This is the opportunity of a lifetime and you can do it in your spare time. You’ll make people happy and you’ll get rich.’

  ‘Now I know what you’re on about,’ Mrs Trifle said, wagging a finger at Madame Mascara. ‘You want me to go door to door selling your cosmetics, don’t you?’

  ‘It’s not about selling,’ Madame Mascara said. ‘It’s about friendship. It’s about love. It’s about joy. It’s about hiding pimples, getting rid of unwanted hair, changing whole personalities — making people beautiful. Feast your eyes on these.’

  Selby watched as the woman put a stack of House of Mascara Cosmetics Kits on the Trifles’ coffee table.

  ‘Wonderful products,’ Madame Mascara said. ‘Eye cream, toner, foundation, skin cleanser, eyeliner and much much more.’