Selby Splits Read online

  Dr Trifle dashed into the backyard and scooped three buckets of water out of the swimming pool. He then started pouring them into his Cloud Blaster.

  ‘Hurry hurry hurry,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘This is sooooo exciting,’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘I hope this Cloud Blaster works! Oh, come on, Dr T!’

  Dr Trifle tipped the last bucket of water into the cannon. Then he noticed Selby’s bucket, half hidden, in the bushes.

  ‘Hmmm, what’s that doing there? I must have missed one,’ he said, quickly tipping it in too. ‘Goodness, something smells terrible. Oh, well.’

  ‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘My poo pile! He’s poured all my hard-earned poo into the Cloud Blaster! I’m getting out of here! I guess I’ll have to deal with Hamish some other time.’

  Selby ran for the house as Dr Trifle quickly took aim with the Cloud Blaster, pointing it directly overhead and then tilting it towards the front of the house as the cloud moved slowly by.

  ‘Stand back!’ Dr Trifle yelled, pulling the string on the cannon.

  Kaboom! came the blast of the cannon and a huge column of brownish liquid shot up into the cloud.

  ‘Quickly! Into the house!’ Dr Trifle yelled. ‘We can watch the action from the front window.’

  Outside on the nature strip, Aunt Jetty and the Rain Lady were just getting ready to dance when they suddenly looked up just in time to see the dark spray of water coming towards them.

  ‘I hate to say it but I think that rain-gun may have worked,’ the Rain Lady said. ‘Look what’s coming.’

  ‘I’m afraid you’re right,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘But there must have been some rust in the gun because the water’s all brown.’

  ‘Why so it is,’ the Rain Lady said.

  Aunt Jetty and the Rain Lady were still looking up with mouths wide open when the foul-smelling liquid hit them.

  ‘Oh, yuck!’ Aunt Jetty cried, wiping it out of her eyes.

  ‘I can’t believe this!’ the Rain Lady screamed, looking down at the brown stain that covered her clothes.‘Let’s get out of here!’

  ‘Why are they yelling?’ Mrs Trifle said, watching the women running wildly down the street. ‘Goodness, they’re covered in mud. They’re screaming their lungs out.’

  Seconds later, a raindrop fell and then another.

  ‘They’re just sore losers, that’s all,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Because I’m the one who made it rain — not them. Hmmmm, what an awful smell.’

  Selby watched as the sprinkle of rain turned into a downpour.

  ‘You’re very good, you know,’ Mrs Trifle said, kissing her husband.‘I think our water problems are over — at least for now. Look, it’s raining cats and dogs out there.’

  Selby turned his head so they wouldn’t see him giggling.

  ‘It certainly is raining cats and dogs,’ he thought. ‘But raining cats’ what and dogs’ what I’d rather not say!’

  Paw note: lt would have served them right! They’re as bad as Aunty Jetty! S

  THE TOMB OF THE DANCING DEAD

  ‘Lets open the tomb!’ said Professor Krakpott, Dr and Mrs Trifle’s old archaeologist friend. ‘We’re going in.’

  A shiver ran up Selby’s spine followed by another shiver and then another one that ran down. In a second he had shivers running up and down his spine.

  ‘Sheeeeeeesh,’ he thought. ‘The Tomb of the Dancing Dead. I don’t want to go in! But I don’t want to stay out here in this spooky jungle either.’

  All day long Selby and the Trifles had struggled to keep up with Professor Krakpott as they walked through the rainforest.

  ‘I’m exhausted,’ Dr Trifle said finally. ‘We’ve flown halfway round the world and … and now all this walking and heat …’

  ‘We can’t stop now, Blinky,’ Professor Krakpott said, using Dr Trifle’s old nickname. ‘We have to get into the tomb and then back to town before sunset.’

  ‘Why do we have to hurry so?’ Mrs Trifle asked, gasping for breath.

  ‘Because the jungle comes alive at night. Deadly snakes drop from trees — and believe me, every snake in this rainforest is poisonous — spiders the size of Frisbees leap on you, vampire bats suck your blood. And then there are the leeches —’

  ‘Leeches?’ Dr Trifle said, shining his torch at his feet.

  ‘— the size of sausages,’ the professor said. ‘You can’t feel them creeping up your legs. Once they get a grip — well, I’d rather not think about it. And then there are the plants …’

  ‘The plants?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But I like plants.’

  ‘These are poisonous plants and flesh-eating flowers,’ the professor said. ‘Bump into the wrong one and it’ll wrap its vines around you like an octopus. At night the jungle can swallow people up.’

  ‘Gulp,’ Selby thought. ‘Poisonous snakes! spiders like Frisbees! sausage-sized leeches! poisonous plants! flesh-eating flowers! I don’t want to be swallowed up by a jungle! Sheeesh and double sheeesh.’

  ‘Tell us about this tomb,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘It was built hundreds of years ago by the ruler of the Zolotek people, Queen Trixalotyl,’ the professor explained. ‘I just discovered it the other day, but there have been stories for years about a tomb they call The Tomb of the Dancing Dead. They say that on the day of the full moon, the dead inside the tomb begin to dance.’

  ‘But there’s a full moon today,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘Yes, and we’re going to prove that the story is a load of rubbish.’

  ‘What if it’s true?’ Selby thought.

  ‘What’s if it’s true?’ asked Mrs Trifle.

  ‘Not a chance,’ the professor said. ‘I’ve seen hundreds of ancient tombs, and I’ve never seen any dancing dead yet. Good, that’s it up ahead.’

  The tomb was made of huge blocks of stone with vines all over them. Little figures covered the stone door.

  ‘Who are those people meant to be?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘They’re not people,’ the professor said. ‘They’re words written in ancient Zolotek.’

  ‘And what Zolotek word is that picture of the largish woman?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘That’s no Zolotek word. That’s a picture of a largish woman — Queen Trixalotyl, the last queen of the Zoloteks.’

  ‘I see,’ said Mrs Trifle. ‘Can you read ancient Zolotek?’

  ‘No, but I know a bit of ancient Ketoloz, which I believe is similar. Let’s see now … if I’m not mistaken this little fellow here means in and this one means come and this one means don’t. In come don’t. It could mean “Don’t pay your income tax”.’

  ‘I think you might have it backwards,’ Mrs Trifle said.‘I think it says Don’t come in. The writing in Zolotek might be the other way about from Ketoloz.’

  ‘Good point! Now let’s open the tomb!’ said Professor Krakpott.‘We’re going in.’

  Shivers ran up and down Selby’s spine, just as they did at the beginning of this story. Dr Trifle pushed on the door but it didn’t open.

  ‘How do we open it?’ Dr Trifle asked. ‘It doesn’t have handles like a normal door.’

  ‘Yes, ancient tomb doors are often like that,’ Professor Krakpott said.

  ‘Maybe there’s something we can push to make it open automatically,’ Mrs Trifle said,‘like in those movies with the fellow with the hat and the whip.’

  Professor Krakpott laughed.

  ‘That’s all movie make-believe,’ he said. ‘In real archaeology nothing happens automatically.’

  ‘I still think those movies are fun. I love the way he does things in a split second to save his life. I love those really really really close calls. Do things like that ever happen to you?’

  ‘Heavens no,’ the professor said. ‘Now let’s look for something to prise open the door.’

  While the others searched, Selby was checking his legs for sausage-sized leeches. As he did, he leant against the tomb. Suddenly the door flew open.

  ‘Did you see that?!’ M
rs Trifle exclaimed. ‘It opened automatically!’

  ‘Not really,’ Dr Trifle said, looking around the entrance and then inside. ‘See this? Selby must have pressed against it by accident. It’s the end of a pole which goes into the tomb.’

  ‘But how did it make the door open?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘When Selby pushed it, the pole tipped over a stone bucket inside the tomb. The bucket spilled rainwater along that ramp. Wetting the ramp allowed a big block of stone to slide along it. Then the block pulled a rope that opened the door. Simple really.’

  ‘It sounds quite complicated to me,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘And me,’ Professor Krakpott said. ‘But at least there’s a good explanation for it.’

  The professor led the way down the corridor.

  ‘Sheeesh,’ Selby thought as he followed the others.‘I don’t want to go in but I don’t want to stay out here either!’

  Further down the corridor a wooden sign with figures painted on it blocked the way.

  ‘Let’s see now,’ the professor said, reading the sign. ‘Else or back go. I guess that must mean Go back or else. Come along now. Follow me.’

  The professor pulled the sign out of the floor and, as he did, the ground ahead of them burst open and a skeleton flew up, landing on the professor.

  ‘Arrrgggghhhh!’ screamed Professor Krakpott.

  ‘Arrrgggghhhh!’ screamed Dr Trifle

  ‘Arrrgggghhhh!’ screamed Mrs Trifle.

  ‘Arrrgggghhhh!’ screamed Selby (but they didn’t hear him because they were screaming exactly the same thing at the same time).

  Professor Krakpott struggled to his feet.

  ‘It’s just a skeleton,’ the professor said. ‘But it gave me a bit of a start. This Queen Trixalotyl obviously had a bit of a sense of humour.’

  ‘Sense of humour?! Sheeeesh!’ Selby thought. ‘It’s a warning! Let’s get out of here!’

  ‘Would someone please explain to me how a skeleton can jump out of the ground?’ Mrs Trifle said.

  Dr Trifle looked down in the hole.

  ‘Pulling the sign out of the ground made it happen. There’s sort of a catapult down there. Instead of a rubber band there’s a piece of vine that’s been twisted around and around like a spring. The sign pulled a pin out of the vine which then sent a shaft up and pushed a trap-door open and sent the skeleton flying. Very clever but certainly not magic.’

  ‘Come along,’ Professor Krakpott said, striding ahead.‘Look, another sign. Let’s see now. It says, Will else something then don’t they if and you get will death of spikes the now it for asked you. Turning it around it says, You asked for it. Now the spikes of death will get you and if they don’t then something else will. They’re just trying to frighten us off,’ he added.

  ‘Maybe we should be frightened off,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Goodness me, Mrs T!’ the professor said. ‘If archaeologists paid any attention to signs like this we’d never go anywhere. Now come along you lot, let’s see what this dancing dead nonsense is all about.’

  The three of them hurried ahead with Selby just behind.

  ‘I hate this!’ Selby thought. ‘If one more scary thing happens, I’m going back. They know that I have enough sense to wait for them back at the entrance.’

  Just as he thought this last thought, a trapdoor in the floor suddenly opened and Selby found himself falling down a narrow shaft. At the bottom of the shaft he could see rows and rows of sharp wooden spikes sticking up.

  ‘Help!’ Selby screamed in plain English. ‘The spikes of death are going to get me! Help! and double help!’

  Selby clawed at the walls of the shaft but there was nothing to grip. He was upside down now, going faster and faster. In an instant he felt the first spikes part the fur on his back on their way to his flesh and then …

  Point-of-view change warning!

  We’re now going to change the point of view of this story. This means that instead of seeing Selby, we’ll see how Dr, Mrs Trifle and Professor Krakpott are getting on. You’ll have to wait to find out what happens to Selby. Or you might want to stop reading now and save yourself the terror, the agony, and the awfulness of it all.

  The trapdoor closed as quickly as it had opened.

  ‘What was that noise?’ Professor Krakpott said, turning but not seeing anything.

  ‘It sounded like a trapdoor opening and closing,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Then there was what sounded like someone yelling for help. Probably just the wind outside.’

  ‘Where’s Selby?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He was right here with us a moment ago. That couldn’t have been him yelling for help, could it?’

  ‘He probably went back,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘He’s got enough sense to wait for us back at the entrance.’

  ‘Let’s carry on, shall we?’ the professor said.

  * * *

  … Selby felt the spikes of death begin to pierce his skin. Suddenly he was lying on his back, gasping for breath.

  ‘They got me,’ he thought. ‘I don’t feel anything. I must be dying. I don’t want to die in this stupid tomb! No, no, no! My life force is draining out of me. Dr and Mrs Trifle, where are you?!’

  Selby lay there, looking up the shaft.

  ‘Oh, there are so many things I wish,’ he thought. ‘I wish I could fall in love just one last time. I wish I could have one final plate of peanut prawns. I wish I could roll in wet hay on an autumn afternoon. I wish I could scratch my back because it itches like the blazes. Itches? Did I say, itches? Yes, I think I did. Come to think of it, it does itch. I do have feeling! And there aren’t any spikes sticking into my back and out of my tummy!’

  Selby rolled onto his side and looked at what was left of the spikes of death.

  ‘They collapsed down to nothing,’ he thought. ‘They must have been all rotten. They cushioned my fall! I’m alive! I’m okay! Now, that was a really really really close call!’

  Nearby was a hole that opened out into a tunnel. Selby climbed into the tunnel and squinted to see what lay ahead.

  ‘The tunnel goes down and I want to go up,’ Selby thought.‘But it’s the only way I can go.’

  Selby walked down the tunnel, looking for a way out of the tomb.

  ‘Oops!’ he said, tripping on a piece of wood. ‘What was that? And what’s that rumbling noise?’

  The noise got louder and louder. The dirt of the tunnel floor vibrated and suddenly a huge boulder broke through at the top of the tunnel and rolled down towards Selby.

  ‘I must have started that rock rolling when I tripped on that wood! And now the flamin’ thing’s after me!’ Selby screamed, as he ran as fast as he could down the tunnel.‘Help!’

  The tunnel twisted and turned as it went down into the depths of the tomb. At every curve Selby looked around frantically for a way out of the path of the huge stone.

  ‘It’s gaining on me! I can’t possibly outrun it!’ Selby screamed. ‘It’s so close now that I can feel my tail brushing against it! I can’t get around it or over it because it’s the same size as the tunnel! It’s going to squish me!’

  Selby streaked around a curve. Just ahead was a stone wall. Selby let out a high-pitched scream as he hit the rock wall. In that instant the stone hit his back and his eyes began to bulge as the crushing began and then …

  ‘I told you it would be boring,’ Professor Krakpott said. ‘What keeps us archaeologists going is that we always think that something exciting will happen. But it never does.’

  ‘I think I hear thunder,’ Mrs Trifle said.‘That rumbling. Do you hear it?’

  ‘Yes,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘But it seems to be coming from underneath us, so it’s probably not thunder. A slight earthquake, possibly.’

  ‘What was that high-pitched scream?’ Mrs Trifle said.‘And that terrible crashing noise?’

  ‘I missed that,’ Professor Krakpott said.‘Can’t hear anything now, can you?’

  ‘No,’ Dr Trifle said.‘Not any more.’

  * * *

>   … in the panic of the moment, Selby remembered something about geometry that he’d learnt on TV.

  ‘This is a round rock,’ he thought, ‘about to hit a flat wall. The last place I want to be is where I am — between the middle of the rock and the middle of the wall. My only chance is to get to the outside edge of the wall where the rock will hit last!’

  In a split second, Selby shot to the side as the main force of the rock hit the middle of the wall, bursting through and throwing Selby into the centre of a huge room. The rock rolled to a stop a millimetre away from him.

  ‘That was a really really really really close call!’ Selby thought.‘I’ve got to get out of here!’

  Selby looked up and saw sunlight pouring through a narrow hole in the top of the dome. A long tree root had grown down through the hole, almost touching the floor.

  ‘If I can get to that root,’ Selby thought, ‘I’ll climb up and get out that way.’

  Selby took a step down onto the floor and suddenly, all around the room, stone slabs revolved. Behind each one was a skeleton, suspended by a rope.

  ‘More skeletons!’ Selby said with a shiver. ‘Yuck! I’ll just blur my eyes and walk past them.’

  Selby began to blur his eyes when strange music began to play.

  ‘It must be the wind blowing through some primitive musical instrument,’ he thought. ‘It’s so spooky. I’ll just put my fingers in my ears.’

  Just then the skeletons began jiggling up and down on their ropes.

  ‘They’re dancing!’ Selby gasped.‘This is it — the Dancing Dead! The story was true! I just want to get out of he —!’

  Selby was in the middle of the word ‘here’ when the floor beneath him collapsed and he tumbled towards the room beneath. Even in the darkness, he could see the floor of the room squirming.

  ‘Snakes!’ he thought. ‘The whole floor is a mass of deadly snakes! Look! They see me coming! They’re rearing up! Their mouths are wide open to strike me!’

  Selby looked quickly around him as he fell. There was nothing to grab hold of, only the blocks of stone from the floor above, falling with him. As his face came closer and closer, the snakes struck out with poison dripping from their needle-sharp fangs. Selby screamed as he felt a piercing pain and then …