Selby Selection Page 3

  When she was in her early twenties, to the surprise of everyone, including herself, she went to northern Canada to study Eskimos and to learn how they lived. After a year, she could drive a dog-sled as well as anyone.

  The saddest moment of her life was when she had to leave her Eskimo friends and return Australia. The happiest moment was when she bumped into Dr Trifle in a supermarket. The two fell in love and were married shortly afterwards.

  I See the Sea and the Sea Sees Me

  I took a trip to see the sea

  And all it did was wave at me

  I waved right back, oh don’t you fear,

  As waves came in from far and near

  I waved some more and it did too

  I didn’t know quite what to do

  So I waved and waved and waved some more

  Until my wrist was very sore

  And still it waved, so I did – faster!

  (And now I’ve got two paws in plaster!)

  I cried, ‘I’ve only just arrived

  So please don’t try to say goodbye!’

  I took a trip to see the sea

  But I could see it hated me.

  I’d Rather have Four Legs than Two

  I’d rather have four legs than two

  It gives me so much

  more to do

  not only can I walk and run

  But trot and gallop — it’s soooo much fun!

  But there’s one thing that’s best of all

  I almost never trip and fall

  If one foot slips on anything

  Three more are waiting in the wings.

  The Teeth of a Vampire

  or

  Fangs for Everything

  BY GARY GAGGS

  FIRST PERFORMED BY THE BOGUSVILLE STAGE

  STOMPERS

  Characters

  Count Jugula

  (Played by Gary Gaggs in the original production.)

  Frank

  (Played by Postie Paterson in the original production.)

  Sue

  (Played by Camilla Bonzer in the original production.)

  Scene

  A room in COUNT JUGULA’s castle.

  THE PLAY

  (FRANK is facing the audience. COUNT JUGULA is lying in his coffin.)

  Frank: (Aside.) It is a dark and stormy night at Count Jugula’s mountain-top castle. Outside a raven cries. (SOUND FX: Bird screeching.)

  Count: (Lying rigidly in his coffin.) Sounds like a ravin’ maniac, if you ask me.

  Frank: Nobody asked you. (Aside.) There is thunder and lightning everywhere.

  Count: Naughty, naughty, naughty lightning!

  Frank: Why do you say that, sir?

  Count: Because the lightning doesn’t know how to conduct itself. (Laughs.)

  Frank: (Aside.) The vampires, who sleep in the daytime and wake up when darkness falls — they’re light sleepers, you see — are about to climb out of their coffins.

  Count: (COUNT JUGULA coughs loudly.)

  Frank: Not that kind of coughin'. (Aside.) And spread their wings.

  Count: (COUNT JUGULA groans loudly.)

  Frank: And fly away to drink the blood of their victims.

  Count: (COUNT JUGULA groans again, gets out of his coffin and stands there, clutching the side of his face.) Oooooooooooo!

  Frank: This only applies to those vampires who don’t have toothaches, of course.

  Count: Oooooooooooo!

  Frank: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Francis Nedwick Stine.

  Count: (Aside.) Also known as Frank N. Stine. (Laughs.)

  Frank: I am Count Jugula’s servant. He put me together out of spare body parts.

  Count: What he’s trying to say is: I may be an old bat-chelor but I like making friends. (Laughs.)

  Frank: (Aside.) He hasn’t made any ghoul-friends yet. (Snickers.)

  Count: That isn’t funny!

  Frank: Sorry, sir.

  Count: (Pointing to FRANK.) I made him what he is today. (He laughs again and then turns serious.) It’s been two weeks, Frank! I can’t stand it any longer! I’ve got to have some fresh blood now or I’ll go batty!

  Frank: You’re already batty. I’m sorry about your toothache but I took you to every dentist in Transylvania to get your teeth fixed.

  Count: I know, I know. Don’t remind me.

  Frank: And what did you do?

  Count: I couldn’t help myself, I tell you! I couldn’t help it! They shouldn’t have exposed their necks that way. Do you have any idea what a temptation a nice clean dentist’s neck is to a thirsty vampire?

  Frank: Quite frankly, no. And now you’ve turned them all into vampires and they’re all angry at you.

  Count: Why, the ungrateful so-and-sos!

  Frank: You should have waited until they fixed your teeth before you bit them.

  Count: (Groans.) Ooooooooooooo! And it was so painful when I bit them. It wasn’t fun at all.

  Frank: All of which leads me to believe that you are nothing but a good-for-nothing, blood-thirsty vampire with no self-control.

  Count: Hang on now, I resemble that remark!

  Frank: Everyone who comes to this castle gets turned into a vampire. There are no plumbers or electricians left in the whole country who will come here and it’s all because of you. And the people you’ve bitten are biting others and turning them into vampires. Sooner or later there will be no one left to bite except other vampires, mark my words.

  Count: I’ll give you ten out of ten.

  Frank: Thank you.

  Count: You’re welcome.

  Frank: And it’s no good because vampires are too clever to let another vampire bite them.

  Count: So what am I going to do?

  Frank: Let me be frank.

  Count: You already are Frank. (Laughs.)

  Frank: Very funny, sir. (Aside.) His little jokes cheer him up. (To COUNT JUGULA.) I have no idea what you can do.

  Count: Why don’t you draw me a bath?

  (FRANK scribbles on a piece of paper and hands it to COUNT JUGULA.)

  Frank: Your bath, sir.

  Count: (Outraged.) But that’s water! I wanted a bath in milk!

  Frank: Pasteurised?

  Count: No, just up to my neck. (He laughs and then turns serious again.) Please, Frank, ring the blood bank and see if they can make an urgent delivery.

  Frank: I’m afraid it would be in vein, sir. (Snickers.)

  Count: Why’s that?

  Frank: Because you’re overdrawn at the blood bank.

  Count: Tell them it’s an emergency.

  Frank: They know about your emergencies.

  Count: Then have a look in my blood cellar and see if there’s a bottle left.

  Frank: All the bottles have left.

  Count: Isn’t there even an eentsy weentsy little one?

  Frank: Nothing.

  Count: What I wouldn’t give for a nice ssssssssssssucculent bottle of type AB negative. I’d even settle for A positive or B negative. Any type would do.

  Frank: I’m terribly sorry.

  Count: B positive?

  Frank: I’m trying to be. I’d even give you some of my own blood if I had any.

  Count: It’s no good, you’re not my type. (Laughs.)

  Frank: (Looking towards the door.) Excuse me, sir, but I have a hunch.

  Count: Then stand up straight. (Laughs.)

  Frank: I mean, I think there’s someone at the door.

  Count: Someone at the door on a night like this? How could there possibly be someone at the door? (SOUND FX: A knock at the door.) Better get that, it could be someone at the door. (FRANK opens the door. SUE is standing there. There’s a bag at her feet. She’s wearing a coat and is rubbing her hands together.)

  Sue: Excuse me, sir, but I’m cold and wet and I wonder if I could come in and warm up. I need to get my blood circulating again.

  Count: (Aside.) Blood circulating? Did she say the word? (COUNT JUGULA elbows FRANK out of the way.) Oh, my poor, poor d
ear. Don’t stand out there for another second. Frank, take her bag. (FRANK gives him a disapproving look. He reluctantly picks up her bag. COUNT JUGULA stands behind her, helping her off with her coat.)

  Sue: You’re too kind.

  Frank: Oh no, he’s not.

  (COUNT JUGULA opens his mouth wide, exposing his fangs. He is about to sink his teeth into her neck.)

  Count: How do you find the weather, my dear?

  Sue: You just go outside and there it is. (Laughs.) Sorry.

  Count: And what, prey tell, brings you to my humble abode?

  Sue: I’m a travelling dentist. I was just making some house calls when the weather turned nasty.

  Count: (Stopping just before he bites.) Dentist? Did you say dentist?

  Sue: Yes. I was in the village. There’s an opera singer there who broke a tooth. I could tell you the whole story but it doesn’t have a point. (Laughs.) That’s an old tooth joke. Anyway, I ended up making some false teeth for her.

  Count: Falsetto teeth, were they?

  Sue: Actually it was only one tooth. You never would have known it was false if it hadn’t come out in conversation. (Laughs.) Sorry, another tooth joke.

  Frank: (Aside.) She’s as bad as he is.

  Sue: And now I’m exhausted, I’ve been working much too hard. There seems to be such a shortage of dentists in Transylvania these days, you know.

  Frank: He knows.

  Count: I wonder if you wouldn’t mind … (COUNT JUGULA puts his hand to his face.)

  Sue: Toothache?

  Count: (Nods.)

  Sue: Let’s have a look.

  Count: You mean you’ll treat me?

  Sue: Treat you? No, I’m afraid you’ll have to pay like everyone else. (Laughs.) Sorry. If you’ll just take your seat (Pause.) and put it on that chair over there. I’ll see if I can see what the matter is.

  (He sits. Then, as SUE turns to look in her bag, COUNT JUGULA moves towards her neck again, but thinks better of it and sits down again.) Say ‘ah'.

  Count: (Opens mouth.) Aaaaaaaah.

  Sue: What unusual teeth you have.

  Frank: All the better to —

  Count: (To FRANK.) Shut up, you.

  Sue: You’ve got two big cavities.

  Count: I do?

  Sue: Yes, those two pointy teeth have holes right down the middle. Don’t worry, I can fill them.

  Count: Not so fast!

  Sue: (Spoken very slowly.) Don’t … worry … I … can … fill … them.

  Count: You leave those holes alone. I need them.

  Frank: All the better to —

  Count: (To FRANK.) You stay out of this!

  Sue: All right, if you say so. Ahah! I see the real problem.

  Count: Can you fix it?

  Sue: Oh, yes, this will be easy. (SUE gets the pliers out of her bag. COUNT JUGULA doesn’t see them because his head is back and his mouth wide open.)

  Count: It won’t hurt, will it?

  Sue: Not a bit.

  (COUNT JUGULA opens his mouth and SUE pulls out both of his fangs with one go. COUNT JUGULA jumps up, screaming.)

  Count: Yooooooow! My teeth! My teeth! You stupid person! Now I’ll never be able to … to …

  Sue: Have you thought of changing your diet? Maybe you should become a vegetarian.

  Count: What are you talking about?

  Sue: I think you know.

  Count: They sent you, didn’t they?

  Sue: I beg your pardon?

  Count: It was them, I know it was. It was the TDA.

  Frank: The TDA?

  Count: The Transylvanian Dental Association. They wanted to get back at me, didn’t they? Come on, admit it, admit it. (SUE shakes her head ‘no’ repeatedly and then smiles and nods ‘yes'.)

  Count: I thought I recognised you. You’re Dr Layta, aren’t you?

  Sue: Please, just call me Nora. That’s my middle name but I like it better than Sue which is my real first name.

  Count: I see. You were one of the dentists I had the pleasure of visiting recently.

  Sue: The pleasure was all yours. Let me tell you something.

  Count: What is it?

  Sue: (Pointing to FRANK.) I don’t want him to hear. I’ll whisper it.

  (COUNT JUGULA turns, facing the audience. SUE is behind him. She smiles and bares a set of vampire fangs which he doesn’t see. She bends down as if to whisper in his ear and then bites him on the neck. He screams and then they both freeze.) Frank: (Aside.) So the moral of this story is that evil deeds will become a pain in the neck. (Slowly.) SUE NORA LAYTA. Ffffffank you very much. (Bows.)

  CURTAIN

  The Teeth of a Vampire

  A STAND-UP COMEDY ROUTINE

  BY GARY GAGGS

  I wasn’t good at anything. I was a hopeless student. I just couldn’t be bothered to study. So my parents sent me to ballet school. They thought that would keep me on my toes.

  I read a book about a witch. For a while I actually wanted to be a witch. But I knew it was hopeless — I couldn’t spell.

  One time I just had to pass a maths exam so I wrote all the answers on my sleeve. But I still failed: I put on my history shirt that day by mistake.

  I wasn’t good at anything. I really wasn’t.

  We had this geography lesson. The teacher asked a girl to point to where America was on a map. Then the teacher said to me, ‘Okay, now you tell me who discovered America.’ I pointed to the girl and said, ‘She did.’

  They let me act in the school play. The play took place in a bakery. For once I got the best role.

  I read a book called All about Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

  It’s true! All of this is true!

  My parents sent me to spy school. The teacher was passing out bottles of invisible ink and I said, ‘Could you make mine blue?’

  But seriously, folks, I couldn’t stand the place. One morning I just pulled the blanket over my head and refused to get out of bed. ‘What kind of an agent do you think you’re going to be?’ my teacher asked. I said, ‘What do you think? An undercover agent.’

  I had a lesson on the electric guitar. My teacher just sat there and listened. When I finished he said, ‘You ought to be on television.’ I said, ‘Thank you. Am I really that good?’ And he said, ‘No, but then I could turn you off.’

  He said, ‘Maybe you should be playing an easy guitar.’ I said, ‘An easy guitar? What’s that?’ And he said, ‘No strings attached.’

  He thought it was funny. Then he said, ‘Why don’t you get a rubber guitar?’ I said, ‘A rubber guitar?’ And he said, ‘Yes, then you could play in a rubber band!

  ‘That would keep you out of treble,’ he said.

  And that was my teacher! I said, ‘Tell me honestly: do you think I’ll ever be any good at playing this thing?’ He said, ‘Let’s put it this way: my cats are more mewsical.’ Get it? Mews-ical.

  I mean, how was that supposed to make me feel? I wasn’t good at anything.

  Honest, I wasn’t.

  I said to my parents, ‘I want to be a boxer.’ And they said, ‘You’re too small to be a boxer. Why don’t you be a cocker spaniel instead?’

  And that was my parents! I couldn’t win.

  I went to take swimming lessons but there was no water in the pool. I said, ‘How can I learn to swim when there’s no water?’ And the instructor said, ‘Just dive in and do the crawl.’

  My parents let me get a dog, but he kept biting people. They told me that I’d have to train him not to bite. I didn’t know how. He never did anything I told him to. Anyway, one day they caught me feeding him garlic. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ my mother said. I said, ‘I just wanted to be sure his bark was worse than his bite.’

  My first real job was as an elevator operator. It wasn’t a bad job — it had its ups and downs.

  Later I worked in a shoe shop. A woman came in and said, ‘I’d like some crocodile shoes.’ So I said, ‘How big is your crocodile?’

  I thought it was a
reasonable question. Anyway, we didn’t have crocodile shoes so she asked for snakeskin shoes. We didn’t have any of those either. So she said, ‘This is hopeless! Don’t you have any shoes made out of reptile skin?’ I said, ‘No, but we do have open-toad sandals.’ Open-toad, get it?

  I worked as a waiter. I only lasted a day. I was very slow. One of the customers got impatient and yelled at me. She said, ‘Bring me a slice of cake and step on it!’ I only did what she told me.

  But seriously, folks, I worked as a store detective in a clothing store. There was a woman shoplifter. I chased her out of the shop and down the street but she gave me the slip. The next day the same thing happened and again she gave me the slip. The third day she gave me the dress.

  I won’t tell you about when I worked at a dairy milking cows. It was an udder disaster too.

  I wasn’t good at anything! So that’s when I decided to be a comedian.

  Thanks for listening. You’re beautiful.

  Dr Trifle’s Travelling TOOT

  ‘If this new invention of mine takes off then no one will ever have to go to the toilet again,’ Dr Trifle announced.

  Selby lay nearby watching as Mrs Trifle took a tray of her famous chocolate and vanilla biscuits out of the oven.

  ‘But everyone has to go to the toilet,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘I don’t mean that people won’t have to go to the toilet anymore,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘What I’m saying is that now they won’t have to go to the toilet.’