Selby Selection Page 4

  ‘You just said the same thing twice.’

  ‘No, I didn’t. Going to the toilet is completely different from going to the toilet.‘

  ‘There, you said it again,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But could we talk about this later? We’re due at the Bogusville Fair right now. I’ve got to be there to flag the winner of the Wacky Wheels Road Race.’

  ‘The Wacky what?’

  ‘Wacky Wheels. Anything on wheels except cars,’ Mrs Trifle explained.

  Dr Trifle sniffed the biscuits.

  ‘Yummy! ChocoVan biscuits. Why don’t you enter them in the cookery competition at the Fair?’ he asked. ‘You’d win for sure.’

  ‘Don’t be silly — Melanie Mildew has made a huge pavlova shaped like Bogusville Town Hall,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘She’ll win it for sure. Come to think of it, where’s Jetty? Her car’s broken down and she wants a lift with us.’

  ‘Oh, how I love Mrs Trifle’s ChocoVan bikkies,’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t wait till she goes so I can have one.’

  Dr Trifle took a little black plastic thing out of his pocket. It looked like a TV remote control but with a joystick in the middle.

  ‘While we’re waiting for Jetty I could show you my new toilet invention,’ he said.

  ‘The one that makes going to the toilet unnecessary?’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘That’s the one, the perfect toilet for busy people,’ Dr Trifle said, pushing the ON button on the controls.

  Suddenly there was a whirring and beeping from down the hallway. Dr Trifle grabbed the joystick and pushed it forward.

  Selby jumped to his feet as a toilet came tearing out of the bathroom, sped down the hall, and screeched to a stop outside the kitchen. Mrs Trifle jumped back.

  ‘What in heaven’s name is that?!’ she cried.

  ‘It’s my TOOT.’

  ‘What do you mean, your toot? That’s our toot, only it’s got wheels on it.’

  ‘Well, yes, but you don’t understand. I call it my Transmigratory Orbital Orienting Toilet — T-O-O-T. It’s the world’s first travelling toot,’ Dr Trifle said proudly. ‘With this, you’ll never have to go to the toilet again because the toilet will come to you.’

  ‘How … interesting,’ Mrs Trifle said, still stunned by the TOOT. ‘But what’s it for?’

  ‘What’s any toilet for?’

  ‘Yes, I know that, but why a travelling toilet?’

  ‘Let’s say you’re watching TV but you’re busting to go to the loo. You push the controls and here it comes,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Or you’re having a dinner party and someone asks where the loo is. Then whiz, bang, screech and it’s here. Of course, there are a few small matters that have to be worked out.’

  ‘Like the small matter of privacy,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Privacy? Oh, yes, I see what you mean.’

  ‘And the small matter of plumbing. Where are the pipes?’

  ‘It doesn’t need pipes. There’s enough water in the back part for one good flush.’

  ‘Which will go all over the floor,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘along with … well, you know what. Now, put it back the way it was. But don’t connect it up again, there isn’t time.’

  Dr Trifle moved the joystick on the TOOT controls back and forth. The toilet did a quick three-point turn in the lounge room, sped off down the hall, and backed into the bathroom.

  ‘Good,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But we can’t wait for Jetty any longer. Let’s go.’

  In a minute, Dr and Mrs Trifle had driven off towards town and Selby was eyeing the biscuits. He reached up and was about to grab one when he heard a voice.

  ‘Sister! Oi! Where are you?!’ it said.

  Selby spun around to see the huge hulk of Aunt Jetty filling the doorway.

  Selby froze.

  Aunt Jetty froze too, and then pointed a finger at him.

  ‘You stay away from me!’ she cried. ‘One little nip from you and you’re dog meat!’

  Selby and Aunt Jetty circled each other until he managed to slip out of the kitchen.

  ‘The woman’s a maniac!’ he thought. ‘One little bite on the bum and she thinks I’m an attack dog.’

  ‘Where are you, Sis?!’ Aunt Jetty called again. ‘Oh, yummo bummo,’ she added, noticing the biscuits. ‘I just love her ChocoVan bikkies.’

  Jetty snatched one and popped it in her mouth. Before it was properly chewed she popped in another and then another.

  ‘She’s going to eat them all!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘There’s only one left! Oh, please, just leave it for me.’

  ‘I should leave this last one,’ Aunt Jetty said, eyeing the last biscuit. ‘On second thoughts …’

  The last biscuit flew from Aunt Jetty’s hand into her gaping mouth. In a second it was gone and she had opened the front door.

  ‘I forgot,’ she mumbled, turning back and heading down the hallway. ‘I’d better go to the little girl’s room before I leave.’

  ‘Uh-oh,’ Selby thought. ‘She doesn’t know the loo’s not connected! How can I warn her before she does her business and flushes?! I know,’ he thought, grabbing the TOOT controls and pushing the ON button. ‘I’ll move her outside.’

  Selby pushed the joystick forward and heard an ear-piercing scream as Aunt Jetty, still sitting on the toilet, shot out into the hallway, made a quick turn and then tore through the lounge room and out the open front door. Selby was about to stop the TOOT but then hesitated.

  ‘The front lawn isn’t such a good place,’ he thought. ‘Dr Trifle just watered it. Down the street there’s some bushland.’

  Selby snapped the joystick even further forward and the screaming Aunt Jetty tore up the driveway and into the street. With a puff of smoke and the sound of skidding tyres, off she flew down the street sitting on the toilet.

  ‘I’d better ease off,’ Selby thought as he released the joystick, ‘or she’ll never make the turn into the bush.’

  Selby let go of the joystick, but the TOOT kept going. He wiggled the stick back and forth frantically, only to have the controls spring apart in his paws.

  ‘Gulp,’ he thought. ‘This is suddenly sort of serious! If I don’t do something she’ll be killed! I might even feel guilty about it.’

  Selby raced after the speeding toilet. People ran from their houses to see what the commotion was about.

  ‘Goodness me,’ an old man said. ‘I do believe I’ve just seen a dog chasing a woman sitting on a speeding what’s-it.’

  ‘She’s missed the turn-off!’ Selby thought as he ran faster and faster. ‘I’ve got to stop her before she gets to the highway or she’ll crash for sure!’

  Little by little, Selby gained on Aunt Jetty. Then, just as she reached the highway, Selby grabbed the back of the TOOT and dragged his back paws to slow it down.

  ‘Yoooooouch! My paws are skidding!’ he thought. ‘I can’t slow it down! But maybe if I swing my weight to the side, I can turn it!’

  Selby clung to the back of the TOOT, swinging his back legs to the side. The toilet screeched around the corner and headed off down the highway.

  ‘If I keep it going straight,’ Selby thought, ‘sooner or later the battery will run down and it will stop. I’ll point it away from town.’

  Sergeant Short and Constable Long sat in their police car at the side of the road drinking soft drinks and waiting for the Wacky Wheels vehicles to come by on their way to the finish line at the Fair.

  ‘It’s so peaceful out here,’ Constable Long said. ‘Much better than being at the Fair.’

  ‘Too right,’ Sergeant Short agreed. ‘Remember last year? All those lost kids and dodgem car prangs.’

  ‘And remember when the table collapsed and Melanie Mildew’s Eiffel Tower pav went all over the place?’ Constable Long added with a chuckle.

  Suddenly a speck appeared in the rear-vision mirror.

  ‘Something’s coming up behind,’ Constable Long said. ‘And it’s coming up fast.’

  ‘What is it? A car?’ Sergeant Short asked.


  ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Could be one of the Wacky Wheels vehicles, then,’ Sergeant Short said.

  ‘Not unless it’s lost, because it’s going in the wrong direction. The Wacky Wheels vehicles should be coming towards us.’

  ‘So what is it?’

  ‘It looks like a toot.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘A toot. A latrine. A water closet — only with wheels.’

  ‘A water closet?’

  ‘Yes, you know, a privy. A commode. A comfort station,’ the constable said.

  ‘Will you please use a word I’ve heard of before?’

  ‘It’s a toilet.’

  ‘A toilet? Are you telling me that there’s a toilet coming along the road all by itself?’

  ‘No, it’s not all by itself — there’s a woman sitting on it — and is she travelling! This is one fast toilet! and there’s a dog riding on the back.’

  ‘Constable, if this is your idea of a joke —’

  Just then the TOOT tore by, shaking the police car. The policemen sat there stunned.

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ Sergeant Short said. ‘A toilet with a woman riding it and a dog on the back just drove by. Now I’ve seen everything. Start the engine. I think we’d better pull her over.’

  Constable Long started the engine.

  ‘Do we have a reason for pulling her over?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes — she’s speeding.’

  ‘I’ve never heard of a speed limit for a toilet,’ Constable Long said. ‘I’ve heard of having to go to the toilet in a hurry, but I’ve never heard of a toilet in a hurry.’

  ‘Yes, thank you, Constable,’ Sergeant Short said. ‘Maybe it’s a stolen toilet.’

  ‘Has anyone reported a stolen toilet recently?’

  ‘No. Come to think of it, I can’t remember anyone ever reporting a stolen toilet. Hmmm. But she must be doing something wrong. You can’t just tear along on a toot without breaking the law.’

  ‘I’ve got it!’ Constable Long said. ‘She’s not wearing a seatbelt!’

  ‘Good one, Constable! After her!’

  Selby was clinging to the button at the top of the toilet tank by one paw as the police car came alongside.

  ‘Pull over!’ Sergeant Short ordered.

  Unfortunately Aunt Jetty was screaming so loudly that she didn’t hear him at first.

  ‘I said, pull over!’ the policeman yelled again.

  ‘I can’t stop!’ Aunt Jetty yelled back.

  ‘What did she say?’ Sergeant Short asked.

  ‘She said she can’t stop.’

  ‘I wonder what she means by that?’

  ‘Haven’t you ever been on a toilet and then the phone rings and you can’t —’

  ‘Constable Long! There’s no telephone ringing! She is disobeying an order from a police officer! Tell her to stop driving that dunny immediately!’

  ‘Pull over!’ Constable Long yelled, waving to Aunt Jetty.

  ‘I’ve got to get off this thing!’ Selby thought. ‘But we’re going too fast. Oh, no! What’s that up ahead?!’

  Sure enough, speeding towards them in every imaginable wheeled contraption were the Wacky Wheels racers.

  ‘Look out!’ Aunt Jetty screamed. ‘Runaway dunnaway! — I mean, runny dunny! — I mean, toilet coming through!’

  Selby braced himself for a crash but, as he did, he accidentally pushed the button on the back of the TOOT, sending a gush of water across the roadway. In a second there were racers crashing everywhere and wheels flying through the air.

  ‘I’m riding a dodgem dunny!’ Selby screamed in his brain.

  Selby threw his weight to the side to miss a pile of drivers but the road was so wet that the TOOT swung all the way around then headed back towards town.

  ‘The TOOT has turned!’ Selby thought. ‘When will this thing ever stop?!’

  Meanwhile, at the finish line, Mrs Trifle stood next to Dr Trifle holding the Wacky Wheels Trophy.

  ‘I think I see the winner coming now,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Yes, it must be,’ Dr Trifle said, looking through his binoculars, ‘because the police car is behind it flashing its lights.’

  ‘Can you see the driver?’

  ‘Hang on, it looks like Jetty!’

  ‘Jetty? My sister? Here, give me those,’ Mrs Trifle said, grabbing the binoculars. ‘Good grief, it is her! And she’s driving a toilet! It’s your TOOT! Look out, everyone!’

  People screamed and scattered as the TOOT tore up to the finish line and screeched to a stop.

  ‘The battery finally ran out!’ Selby thought as he rolled along the ground.

  Selby picked himself up and heaved a sigh of relief. There was a deathly silence. All eyes were on the huge figure that hurtled through the air and slammed into Melanie Mildew’s Bogusville Town Hall pavlova.

  ‘Jetty! Are you all right?’ Mrs Trifle asked, pulling her sister from the sugary mess.

  ‘I think I am,’ Aunt Jetty said as she wiped pavlova out of her eyes. ‘No thanks to that stupid toilet of yours!’

  ‘We’re terribly sorry,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘And so you should be!’ Aunt Jetty said, snatching the Wacky Wheels Trophy from her hands. ‘Give me that thing! I won it fair and square!’

  ‘And so she did,’ Selby thought, giggling to himself, ‘with a little bit of help from little old me.’

  ‘Dr Trifle’s Travelling TOOT’ first appeared in the book Selby Snaps!.

  Paw note:The word ‘TOOT’ rhymes with ‘soot'.

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  Paw note: If you want to read about when I bit Aunt Jetty on the bum read the story ‘Selby Bites Back’ in the book Selby Supersnoop.

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  Paw note: This is my invention, an exclamation comma (!). Look for other exclamation commas and question commas (?) in the other Selby books.

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  Aunt Jetty

  Mrs Trifle’s younger sister and the mother of (the dreadful) Willy and Billy.

  PERSONAL DETAILS:

  Job: Looking after Willy and Billy.

  First name: Jezabel.

  Nickname: Jetty or ‘Aunt’ Jetty. (No one knows whose aunt she is.)

  Height: Tall.

  Weight: Heavy.

  Favourite food: Heaps.

  Favourite expression: Who, me?’

  Likes: Bossing people around.

  Dislikes: Dogs. (Especially Selby.)

  BACKGROUND:

  As a little girl, Jetty was petite and delicate. She was a super-sensitive girl, trying never even to step on an ant. For this reason it once took her six hours to walk to school and school was over by the time she got there.

  It was during a ballet class that a tiny fragment of a meteor shot through the roof and struck her on the head. She was never the same after that. Within a week she’d outgrown her ballet shoes and her voice had dropped to the level of a truck driver’s. She grew and grew and became the school bully. Later it took her six hours to walk to school because she wanted to step on every ant.

  Her high school hockey team won nearly every match they played thanks to Aunt Jetty. But sometimes they had to forfeit the match because there were so many injuries on the other team. During this time she became known as Shin-Smasher Jetty.

  The only person who could ever boss Aunt Jetty around was her sister, Mrs Trifle.

  Paw note: For a story about Aunt Jetty eating a slug, see ‘Selby Slugs Aunt Jetty’in the book Selby Snowbound.

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  Madame Mascara

  The richest person in Bogusville.

  PERSONAL DETAILS:

  Job: President and owner of House of Mascara Perfumes and Cosmetics.

  Real name: Griselda Zymkgyruskovanina. (Pronounced gri-ZEL-dah zim-key-RUSKo-vah-ni-na.)

  Place of birth: Zymkgyrusk, Europe.

  Favourite expression: Zymkgys!’

  Favourite food: Vine-ripened zucchini porridge.

  Favourite activity: Making money. Telling fo
rtunes. (Now just a hobby.)

  BACKGROUND:

  Madame Mascara was abandoned as a baby and was found by gypsies on a large stone on the outskirts of the tiny town of Zymkgyrusk. The gypsies named her Griselda ('stone heroine') Zymkgyruskovanina ('little girl from Zymkgyrusk').

  When she was an awkward and difficult teenager her adoptive parents gazed into a crystal ball and said that they could see her future in a small town in Australia — a long, long way away from where they lived.

  After she moved to Bogusville she changed her name to Madame Mascara because it was easier to pronounce than Griselda Zymkgyruskovanina and began telling fortunes. Sadly her fortune-telling business failed because she was always wrong.

  Because her name was ‘Mascara’ she thought it would be good to wear lots of it. To save money, she began to make her own mascara from a mixture of chocolate, peanut butter and burnt wombat droppings.

  This became a huge success, so she started House of Mascara Perfumes and Cosmetics.

  Madame Mascara now lives in the huge old house known as Mascara Mansion.

  The Bouncing Dog

  One day with nothing else to do

  I thought I’d be a kangaroo.

  I hopped around the

  fields all day

  And played the games that kangas play.

  I hopped and hopped, went round and round

  Then bounced my way straight into town.

  ‘A bouncing dog!’ a girl said. ‘My!

  If you keep bouncing up that high

  And you’re not careful by

  and by You’ll bash your head against the sky!’

  I laughed at her and then said I,

  ‘I couldn’t hit it if I tried.’

  I bounced again, then three times more,

  Each time much higher than before.

  I cleared a house and then a steeple

  Watched by lots of curious people.

  My next leap up was so absurd

  I crashed into a flying bird.

  The bird flew off as I came down

  Heading for some muddy ground.

  I landed with a huge kerplop