Selby Shattered Read online

  ‘It’s seen us!’ Zak yelled. ‘It’s coming to rescue us!’

  Soon the helicopter had landed on the beach. The cheering DogsBody people picked up Selby and scrambled inside.

  ‘Thank goodness you saw us,’ Eva said to the pilot as the helicopter zoomed up into the sky again.

  ‘I didn’t see you,’ the pilot said. ‘I saw your dog’s body.’

  ‘You saw him?’ Zak asked, pointing to Selby.

  ‘No,’ the pilot said, ‘I couldn’t have seen him from up where I was. He’s too small. I saw your dog’s body. The picture on the beach. That thing you had on your sail.’ He pointed towards the ground. ‘As soon as I saw it, I knew you must be on the island.’

  The DogsBody people (and Selby) looked down at the beach. There, below, was an outline in the sand looking very much like Selby.

  ‘Wow!’ Miles said. ‘We didn’t do that! Selby must have done it when he ran around and around in the sand.’

  ‘And it came out looking just like him,’ Zak said.

  ‘Yes,’ Eva said, getting out her calculator. ‘What do you reckon the chances of that would be?’

  ‘That’s something you’ll never know,’ Selby thought.

  And now he felt a warm feeling come over him. He was going home.

  Gary Gaggs and the Ghostly Gagster

  ‘My last comedy show was a disaster!’ cried Gary Gaggs. ‘I’m going to give up being a comedian.’

  Dr and Mrs Trifle both smiled while Selby struggled not to smile.

  ‘I just love this guy,’ Selby thought. ‘He can make anything funny. I can’t wait for the punchline.’

  ‘Well?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What’s the punchline?’

  ‘There is no punchline,’ Gary said. ‘I’m serious. Every time I do my show, it’s a total disaster.’

  ‘You haven’t been telling your killer joke again, have you?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘No, someone is coming to all my shows and shouting out my punchlines before I can say them.’

  ‘Oh, so it’s a heckler,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But you’ve got all those great put-down lines to make hecklers feel silly.’

  ‘Yes,’ Dr Trifle agreed. ‘Remember the heckler with the big nose and you said, Excuse me, sir, but is that your nose or are you eating a banana? And another time when there was a heckler with big ears and you said, Are those your ears or is there an elephant standing behind you? That was very funny.’

  ‘I remember a heckler who was wearing a shirt with wide stripes,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He started yelling things out and you said, Excuse me, sir, but is that a striped shirt or am I looking through the bars of your cage?’

  ‘I’ve got lots of heckler busters Gary said, ‘but they’re no good because I can’t see who’s heckling. It’s like he’s a phantom heckler. He’s a ghostly gagster. He knows all my jokes and he’s following me around.’

  ‘Sheeesh!’ Selby thought, as a shiver shot up his spine. ‘A phantom heckler. A ghostly gagster. That gives me the creeps.’

  ‘It happened in Brisbane and then in Sydney just last week,’ Gary said. ‘Someone must really hate me.’

  ‘That’s silly,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Everybody loves a comedian.’

  ‘Everyone except another comedian,’ Gary said.

  ‘I reckon he’s right,’ Selby thought. ‘I’ll bet it’s a jealous comedian turning up to his shows and ruining them.’

  ‘You could make up new jokes for every show,’ Dr Trifle suggested. ‘That way he wouldn’t know the punchlines.’

  ‘That would be impossible. Do you know how long it takes to make up a whole show full of jokes?’ Gary sighed. ‘Will you guys do me a favour? Would you come to my show this afternoon and see if you can spot the heckler and point him out to me? It’s hard for me to see because of the spotlights on stage shining in my eyes.’

  ‘You can count on us, Gary,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We’ll be there.’

  ‘And so will I,’ thought Selby. ‘But I’ll have to sneak in.’

  That afternoon, Dr and Mrs Trifle and Gary drove to the theatre together. Selby ran after them, taking every short-cut that he could think of.

  ‘I’ve never been this nervous in my life,’ Gary admitted.

  ‘Relax,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We’ll find your phantom heckler for you and then you can give him your best heckler busters.’

  Selby crept into the theatre and hid behind the curtain so that he could peek out at everyone in the audience.

  ‘Good afternoon, ladies and germs,’ Gary said starting the show. ‘It’s great to be back in Bogusville. This is where I did my very first comedy show. You may not know this but I wasn’t always a comedian. No, I wasn’t. I used to be a tailor but I had to quit. It didn’t suit me. It didn’t suit me. Woo woo woo!’ Gary added, strutting around like a chicken.

  ‘Oh! Oh! Oh!’ Selby gasped. ‘It didn’t suit him. That’s great!’

  ‘But seriously, folks, then I got a job in a bag factory but they gave me the sack.’

  ‘The bag factory gave him the sack!’ Selby thought, as he struggled not to laugh.

  ‘Then I worked in a fruit-juice factory but they canned me. I just couldn’t concentrate. Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Gary has to be the funniest guy in the whole world!’ Selby thought, as the audience roared with laughter. ‘And they’re loving it!’

  Selby looked all around the audience. Everyone was laughing except one silver-haired old man with a pimple on his nose.

  ‘He isn’t even smiling,’ Selby thought. ‘He might be a bit deaf, poor guy.’

  ‘But seriously, folks,’ Gary went on. ‘Two fish were in a tank. One of the fish said to the other fish, “How do you drive this thing?” Woo woo woo!’

  ‘I get it!’ Selby thought. ‘They were in a tank! An army tank! That is soooooooo funny! And Gary was worried for nothing. The heckler isn’t even here today.’

  ‘I have this hopeless little brother named Larry,’ Gary continued. ‘One day I saw him carrying a ladder to school. A big, tall ladder. So I said, “Where are you going with that?” And Larry said —’

  Suddenly a voice from the audience yelled out, ‘I need it because I’m starting high school today!’

  ‘It’s him!’ Selby thought. ‘It’s the phantom heckler! He’s here, after all!’

  The audience laughed as they looked around. ‘But seriously, folks,’ Gary said, ignoring the heckler. ‘My brother was taking an exam and the teacher said to him, “I hope I didn’t just see you copying Melanie’s answers."And Larry said —’

  ‘I hope you didn’t either!’ the heckler shouted.

  ‘Yes, very good,’ Gary said. ‘You took the words right out of my mouth. Anyway, that evening Mum asked him if the exam questions were hard. And he said, “No, the questions were simple —“’

  ‘It’s just the answers that were hard!’ the voice yelled out.

  ‘I couldn’t have put it better myself,’ Gary said, pretending to laugh along with the audience.

  ‘I can’t believe this,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s telling the punchlines to every one of Gary’s jokes. I can’t see who’s doing it and neither can anyone else.’

  ‘But seriously, folks,’ Gary went on. ‘One day my brother rang the principal. He put on a deep voice and said, “Larry is sick today so he can’t go to school.” So the principal said, “Okay, but who is this calling?” And my brother said — ‘

  Once again the phantom heckler yelled out. ‘It’s my father!’

  ‘Poor Gary,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s so stressed.’

  After the show, the Trifles met Gary in his dressing room.

  ‘Sorry, Gary,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We couldn’t figure out where the voice was coming from.’

  ‘Well, he got what he wanted,’ said Gary. ‘Because I quit. I’m never going to do another comedy show.’

  ‘Gary, that’s terrible! And what about tonight’s show? You can’t just not turn up. It’s sold out. Some people will have driven for hours
to see you.’

  ‘Then they can have their money back,’ Gary said.

  ‘Gary, please,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Whoever he is, he won’t come back again tonight, I’m sure.’

  ‘I’m sure he will.’

  ‘How long have we known each other?’

  ‘I don’t know. Almost all our lives. Why?’

  ‘Then do us a big friends’ favour,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Do your show this one last time and we’ll find the heckler — we promise.’

  Selby was on his way home from the show when it happened. He was passing the old man he’d seen in the theatre, the old man who hadn’t laughed at Gary’s jokes. Only now he was laughing.

  ‘Ha ha ha ha. That was so funny!’ the man said out loud. ‘It was all I could do to keep from laughing.’

  ‘What is it with this guy?’ Selby thought. ‘He doesn’t even smile through the whole show and now he’s laughing like a kookaburra.’

  ‘The more I think about those jokes, the funnier they get,’ the man said. ‘Ha ha ha ha.

  Selby looked back over his shoulder at the man.

  ‘Hey, this guy’s talking and laughing and everything — without moving his lips. Like a ventriloquist.’

  Selby stopped dead in his tracks.

  ‘That’s it!’ he thought. ‘He is a ventriloquist! He’s the ghostly gagster! I’ve got to do something about this!’

  ‘Hello there, old boy,’ the man said to Selby. ‘What are you looking at? Come here. I want to give you a pat.’

  ‘Whoa! He can’t be a ventriloquist,’ Selby thought. ‘His lips didn’t even twitch when he said boy and pat. Even a ventriloquist can’t do that. I’ve got to find out more about this dude.’

  Selby ducked into the bushes and followed the man to the Bogusville Motel. He stood on his hind legs and peered into the man’s window.

  Moments later, he watched in shock as the old man stood in front of his mirror and grabbed his face, pulling it off along with his gray hair. Underneath was a younger man.

  ‘It’s a mask!’ Selby gasped. ‘No wonder he could talk without moving his lips! Selby, the dog detective ,strikes again!’

  That evening, Gary found a mysterious note in his dressing room. It read:

  ‘So that’s how he does it!’ Gary cried. ‘But I wonder who wrote this note.’

  ‘Not us,’ said the Trifles.

  ‘Well, whoever did,’ Gary said, ‘just saved my career. If this masked man turns up at my show tonight, I’ll be ready for him.’

  Once again, Dr and Mrs Trifle were in the theatre, watching the audience. And, once again, Selby watched from behind the curtain.

  ‘Every seat is filled and I still don’t see the gagster,’ Selby thought. ‘That’s strange. Maybe he’s not coming, after all.’

  Finally, Gary came out onto the stage.

  ‘Good evening, ladies and jellyfish,’ he said. ‘It’s great to be back in Bogusville. This is where I did my very first comedy show. You may not know this but I wasn’t always a comedian. I used to work at a garage installing mufflers but it was exhausting. It was exhausting! Woo woo woo!’

  ‘I haven’t heard that one before,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s got so many great jokes.’

  ‘But seriously, folks,’ Gary went on. ‘I wanted to be a musician but my piano playing wasn’t noteworthy. Woo woo woo! So I went to work in a shoe factory but I didn’t fit in. Then I tried to be a witch. I only did that for a spell. For a while I worked at the zoo feeding the giraffes but I just wasn’t up to it. Woo woo woo! I thought you’d like that one.’

  ‘Like it?’ Selby screamed in his brain. ‘I loved it.’

  ‘But seriously, folks. I tried to be a doctor but I just didn’t have the patients. And then I was a history teacher for a while but I didn’t think there was any future in it.’

  ‘Gary has to be the funniest funnyman in the whole world,’ Selby thought as he bit his tongue to keep from laughing out loud. ‘I can barely stand it!’

  After a while, Gary said, ‘My hopeless little brother, Larry, had his first day at school. Mum asked him, “Was it fun?” And my brother said —’

  Before Gary could say another word, a voice from the audience yelled out, ‘Yes, but someone called Miss kept spoiling it.‘

  ‘It’s him again!’ Selby thought.

  ‘Thank you,’ Gary said with a laugh. ‘My little brother was so dumb that he thought that a traffic jam was —’

  ‘Something police officers put on their toast!’ the voice yelled out.

  Selby’s eyes darted from one person to the next.

  ‘I can’t see who’s doing it,’ he thought.

  Gary went on. ‘My hopeless little brother thought that a see-saw was —’

  ‘Something you cut water with!’ the heckler yelled.

  ‘No wonder I didn’t see him!’ Selby thought. ‘He’s dressed like a woman this time! He’s about three rows back. No one’s spotted him! I’ve got to stop him before he ruins Gary’s act again.’

  Selby slipped silently along the row just behind the ghostly gagster.

  ‘This is him, I know it is!’ Selby looked up at the woman’s hair hanging down over the back of the seat. ‘I’ll just wait a second to be sure.’

  ‘One day Larry and I were getting dressed to go to school,’ Gary said, ‘and I said, “Hey, you’ve got holes in your underwear.” And he said —’

  ‘Here I go!’ Selby thought. ‘Selby to the rescue!’

  And the voice yelled out, ‘Of course I’ve got holes in my underwear. How do you think I —‘

  As soon as those words were out of his mouth, the man felt a sudden tug from behind that pulled off his wig and his mask at the same time.

  ‘How do you think I get my feet into them …’ the man said, his voice getting slower and lower as he went. ‘Hey! What’s going on here?!’

  As Selby crept quietly beneath the seats, the man suddenly stood up. Gary Gaggs stared at him in disbelief.

  ‘Larry!’ he cried. ‘It’s you, my own brother! You’re the one who’s been ruining my shows! Why? Why did you do it?’

  Larry’s face turned pink, then red and then deep purple. Tears formed in his eyes.

  ‘Because you’re not nice,’ he sobbed. ‘Just because you’re Mr Big Famous Comedian doesn’t mean you can be cruel to your little brother.’

  ‘Oh, Larry,’ Gary said, stepping off the stage. ‘I was just joking.’

  ‘Jokes can hurt people, you know.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Gary said, giving his brother a big hug. ‘I had no idea I was hurting your feelings. I promise I’ll never tell jokes about you again. Will you forgive me?’

  ‘Yes,’ Larry said, blowing his nose, ‘if you’ll forgive me for ruining your shows.’

  And, as Selby slipped secretly out from beneath the seats, he heard the loudest clapping and cheering that he’d ever heard at one of Gary’s comedy shows.

  ‘Isn’t that lovely?’ Selby thought as he too felt tears come to his eyes. ‘I think this was Gary’s greatest show ever.’

  Paw note: See the story ‘Selby’s Shemozzle’ in the book Selby’s Shemozzle.

  There are more of Gary’s heckler busters at the end of this book.

  S

  Paw note: See the story ‘Selby Supersnoop, Dog Detective’ in the book Selby Supersnoop.

  S

  The Search for Selby

  ‘This is seriously weird!’ Selby gasped. ‘Suddenly there are dogs all over town — huge dogs! They’re everywhere! We’re in the middle of a dog invasion!’

  Two dogs stopped in the street.

  ‘Arf!’ one of them said. ‘I’m Figaro.’

  ‘Bow wow, the other one answered. ‘I’m Piddles. Pleased to meet you. Have you seen Kewpie?’

  ‘Is she the Irish Setter?’

  ‘No, she’s the Wolfhound Pomeranian cross.’

  ‘I think she’s at the Convention Centre.’

  ‘What is happening here?!’ Selby screamed in his brain.
‘They’re not only dogs — they’re talking dogs, just like me! I thought I was the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world!’

  Selby stood there, stunned, as dogs passed him on the footpath.

  ‘Wait just a minute,’ he thought. ‘There’s something wrong here. They’re all walking on their hind legs. Maybe they’re walking on their only legs. I reckon they’re people in dog suits and not dogs at all. Phew! I’m glad I didn’t talk to them because I’d have given away my secret.’

  ‘It’s the annual meeting of the SSS,’ Mrs Trifle explained to Dr Trifle later that day. ‘They’re the first group to hire the new Convention Centre.’

  ‘I didn’t expect the Centre to be hired by people in dog suits,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I thought it would be for people selling tractors or for sheep-shearing demonstrations. What exactly does SSS stand for, anyway?’

  ‘It’s the Search for Selby Society.’

  ‘Gulp,’ Selby gulped.

  ‘Who is this Selby Dr Trifle asked.

  ‘You know, the dog in those children’s books. The SSS is looking for him.’

  ‘Double gulp,’ Selby gulped again. ‘They’re after me!’

  ‘But Selby is just a made-up character,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Surely they don’t think he’s real.’

  ‘Yes, they do. These people used to be in a group that searched for alien life forms in other parts of the universe, but they gave up.’

  ‘Why did they give up?’

  ‘Because they didn’t find any. Then one of them said, “Why are we looking for alien life forms off in space when there might be some right here on earth?"’

  ‘Good point …I guess,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘Then someone read one of the Selby books and thought that maybe they’re true. Maybe an alien has taken over a dog’s body right here in Australia and that Selby is him.’

  ‘Now, hold the show!’ Selby thought. ‘I’m not an alien life form. I’m a normal dog who just happens to know how to talk.’

  ‘But why do they wear dog suits?’ Dr Trifle asked. ‘They certainly seem like a bunch of odd bods.’

  ‘No, I think they’re quite normal people but they might be embarrassed to let their friends know about their hobby of looking for aliens. Some of them might actually be famous people. Anyway, when they go to meetings, they put on dog suits and use made-up dog names.’