Selby Selection Read online

  ‘Read my own handwriting,’ the girl said. (Pause.) It’s true. That’s what she said.

  Then the teacher caught one of the kids at the back of the room talking.

  ‘There’s no talking allowed,’ she said.

  And the kid said, ‘How can I talk if I can’t talk aloud?’ (Pause.)

  (Very loud.) This school is driving me nuts!

  Some of the teachers are really strict. One of the boys was sent home because the girl next to him was smoking.

  (Angrily.) It wasn’t fair! He was sent home because she was smoking! (Pause.)

  Of course he’s the one who’d set her alight. (Pause.)

  And we have one of the dumbest kids in the world in our class. The other day we had to say what some words meant. Would you believe he thought blackmail was what you got when the postman dropped your letters down the chimney? (Pause.)

  Would you believe that? Would you believe he thought that a cartoon is what you sing when you’re driving? (Pause.)

  That lawsuits are what lawyers wear? (Pause.)

  That a traffic jam is what cops put on their toast? (Pause.)

  That lemonade is giving money to lemons? (Pause.)

  It’s true! That’s what he thinks. He thinks that a piano tuner is a musical fish. (Pause.)

  He thinks that apricots are what baby apes sleep on. (Pause.)

  He does. He’s so dumb he thinks that Captain Cook is two jobs on a ship. (Pause.)

  The teacher asked where he was born.

  ‘Australia,’ he said.

  ‘What part?’ she asked.

  ‘All of me, what did you think?’ he said. (Pause.)

  It’s all true. I wouldn’t lie to you.

  (Yell.) This school is driving me nuts!

  It’s no wonder no one wants to come here anymore. The other day one of the mothers couldn’t get her son to go to school. The son said (jumping up and down, putting on a babyish voice), ‘I don’t want to go back to school! I don’t want to! I don’t want to! Nobody’s going to make me go!’

  And the mother said, ‘Don’t be silly! Act your age! You have to go to school. You’re forty-five years old and you’re the principal.’ (Pause.)

  It’s all of it true. Thank you.

  CURTAIN

  Selby Gagged

  The good news was that Gary Gaggs, the corniest comedian in Australia, was back in Bogusville to do his comedy act at the Bogusville School of Arts Banquet. The bad news was that he was staying with Dr and Mrs Trifle.

  ‘Oh, woe woe woe,’ Selby thought as Dr Trifle greeted his old friend at the door. ‘Of all the places to stay in Bogusville, why, oh why, oh why, does he have to stay here?’

  ‘You’re looking great, Blinky!’ Gary said, using Dr Trifle’s old nickname and shaking his hand furiously. ‘As for me, I just flew in from Perth and my arms are tired! Woo woo woo!’

  Every time Gary told a joke he strutted around like a rooster, pumping his elbows up and down and saying, ‘Woo woo woo!’

  ‘His jokes are absolutely awful!’ Selby thought. ‘But the problem is — it’s all I can do to keep from laughing at them. And if I ever laughed, if I ever even smiled — my secret would be out! I’ve got to get out of here quick!’

  Selby dashed for the door, but Gary reached out and grabbed him by the collar.

  ‘Selby’s a real locksmith dog,’ Gary said, patting him on the head.

  ‘A locksmith dog?’ Dr Trifle asked.

  ‘Yes. He just made a bolt for the door! Woo woo woo!’ Gary boomed. ‘Seriously though, I had a kelpie once and I put him in some sheepdog trials.’

  ‘Is that so?’ Dr Trifle said.'How’d he do?’

  ‘He was found not guilty! Woo woo woo!’ Gary laughed. ‘But seriously, I was going to sell him but he got his tail caught in a gate. I had to sell him wholesale because I couldn’t retail him! Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Oh, that’s very funny,’ Dr Trifle said instead of laughing. ‘But you never really had a dog, did you, Gary?’

  ‘I had a dog just like your Selby but he got lost.’

  ‘Isn’t that sad. What did you do?’

  ‘Nothing. I was going to put an ad in the newspaper but I knew it wouldn’t do any good.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because he couldn’t read! Woo woo woo!’ Gary screeched, pumping his arms up and down, giving Selby time to dart out the door and into the bushes before he laughed. ‘Hey! Why don’t you bring Selby to the banquet tonight and I can tell some more dog gags?’

  That night the Trifles sat at the end of a long table next to Gary Gaggs. Selby was on Mrs Trifle’s lap watching as the comedian ate masses of food, lots of it falling on his checked shirt.

  Finally, just as the Peach Piffle dessert arrived, Gary Gaggs stood up.

  ‘Thank you very much for inviting me here tonight,’ he started. ‘It’s too bad I’m on a diet. By the way, did you hear about the cannibal who went on a diet? He only ate pygmies. Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Oh, wow! That’s a good one,’ Selby thought as he fought back a smile and the guests roared with laughter. ‘He only ate pygmies!’

  ‘But seriously, folks. This food reminds me of my mother-in-law’s cooking. My mother-in-law is a beautiful lady. She’s sixty years old and still has skin like a peach. But did you ever see the skin of a sixty-year-old peach?! Woo woo woo!’

  ‘A sixty-year-old peach!’ Selby squealed as he gasped for breath. ‘I love his mother-in-law jokes!’

  ‘But seriously, she’s a lovely lady. I call her my fare lady. She used to be a bus conductor. Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Oh, I get it!’ Selby thought, putting a paw over his mouth. ‘My fare lady! That’s great!’

  ‘She’s lovely,’ Gary went on. ‘She only has one false tooth. You’d never know it was false if it didn’t come out in conversation. Woo woo woo!’

  Selby put his head under the tablecloth and let out a giggle while everyone howled with laughter.

  ‘But seriously now, folks,’ Gary continued. ‘My mother-in-law used to run a pet shop. One day I went there to buy a pet. She said, “I’ve got a cockatoo that lays square eggs and talks.” I said, “A cockatoo that lays square eggs and talks? What does it say?” And she said, “Ouch!” Woo woo woo!’

  Selby squealed with laughter.

  ‘I can’t stand it,’ he thought. ‘I’ve got to get out of here before anyone realises I’m laughing.’

  ‘So I said to her, I said,’ Gary went on, ‘"I don’t want a bird, I want a dog.” And she put a dog up on the counter. Now, wait a minute. Where’s that dog? Get up here, Selby.’

  ‘Gulp,’ Selby thought. ‘What does he want me for?’

  Selby spied an open door and was about to run for it when Gary grabbed him and put him on the table.

  ‘She said, “This dog is pure Irish Setter.” I said, “Oh, really?” and she said, “No, O’Reilly.” Woo woo woo!’

  ‘O’Reilly! That’s great!’ Selby thought, feeling everyone’s eyes looking at him. ‘But if I can’t keep a straight face I’m a done dog. If only his jokes weren’t so funny.’

  ‘So I said to my mother-in-law, I said, “This dog has no nose. How does he smell?” And she said,"Terrible!"Woo woo woo!’

  Selby put a paw over his mouth to hide a creeping smile as Gary gripped his collar with one hand and patted him with the other.

  ‘But seriously, folks,’ Gary continued. ‘She told me that the dog was a real watchdog. And she was right. I took him home to guard my house and he sat down and watched TV. Woo woo woo!’

  ‘I can’t stand it any longer,’ Selby thought, choking and sputtering and burying his face in a serviette to keep from laughing — all of which only made the people laugh more.

  ‘But he was a watchdog,’ Gary continued. ‘That night when I was out the house was robbed. The dog watched the whole thing! Woo woo woo! But seriously, the dog is a police dog and he’s going to investigate the crime. He isn’t sure who did it but he has … Come on, folks, he has … w
hat? I’m tired of doing all the talking. You tell me.’

  ‘I know, I know!’ Selby thought as sweat streamed down his face. ‘I know the punchline and if anyone tells it, I’m a goner. There’s no way I can keep from laughing. Save me!’

  With this, Selby started running but, with Gary still holding his collar, what happened was that the tablecloth and sixty-two bowls of Peach Piffle came tearing towards him, hitting Gary Gaggs who let go of Selby and fell to the floor covered in dessert. There was silence for a moment and then everyone, including Gary, roared with laughter as Selby ran the length of the bare table, past the howling guests, and out the door. He didn’t stop running till he collapsed in a fit of laughter in the middle of Bogusville Reserve.

  ‘The dog isn’t sure who did it,’ Selby screeched as he rolled on the ground and licked off a chunk of Peach Piffle, ‘but he has a good lead! Woo woo woo! That man is the funniest comedian in the whole world!’

  ‘Selby Gagged’ first appeared in the book Selby Speaks.

  I Love to Travel

  A STAND-UP COMEDY ROUTINE

  BY GARY CACCS

  I love to travel. I really do. I’ll go anywhere.

  But I didn’t always like travelling. I remember when I was a kid and we went on holidays. I screamed at my parents. I said, ‘I don’t want to go to Hawaii!’ And they said,'Shut up and keep swimming!’

  But seriously, folks, the other day I rang my travel agent.

  I asked her, ‘How long does it take to get from Melbourne to Perth?’ She said, ‘Just a minute,’ and I said, ‘Thank you.’

  So she said, ‘I mean, just a minute and I’ll get the information.’ I said, ‘Okay, but I want to go by train.’ ‘But that’ll take days,’ she said. ‘Why not fly?’ ‘Because I’m afraid of flying,’ I said. And she said, ‘That’s silly. I booked a train trip for a guy who was afraid of flying and, guess what? He was killed in a train crash.’ ‘Really?’ I said. ‘What happened?’ She said, ‘A plane crashed into his train.’

  I said, ‘I wouldn’t mind flying if I could do it on a flying carpet.’ And she said, ‘That’s a rugged way to travel.’

  I really really wanted to travel but I didn’t have much money. So I shook the cat. Fortunately, there was still some money in the kitty.

  Anyway, I booked a ticket. A month later I went to the airport and raced up to the airline counter. The clerk said, ‘You’re just in time. Is this all the baggage you have?’ ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘but I wish I’d brought my bedside table.’ The clerk said, ‘Your bedside table? What would you want that for?’ And I said, ‘It’s got my tickets in it.’

  I missed that flight but I caught another one. I went to the tropics. There I ran across a group of cannibals having a wedding. I stayed around till they toasted the bride.

  It must have been fry-day.

  I wanted to leave but they didn’t want me to. They kept buttering me up.

  They brought me some hard-boiled legs and a finger-bowl.

  It’s true. It’s all perfectly true.

  A class went on a boat trip. The teacher gave them a safety lesson. Then she asked one of the girls, ‘What would you do if one of the kids fell overboard?’ And the girl said, ‘Which one?’

  After I took my last trip I didn’t sleep for days. It’s a good thing I sleep at night.

  I was going up into the mountains in winter so I went into a shop to buy a fur coat. They said, ‘What fur?’ And I said, ‘To keep myself warm.’

  Anyway, I was on a bus in the Snowy Mountains. We kept going slower and slower. Finally I said to the bus driver, ‘Can’t you go any faster than this?’ and he said, ‘Sure, but I’m not supposed to get off the bus.’

  ‘By the way,’ I said, ‘why do you have your hat on backwards?’ and he said, ‘Just in case I have to back up.’

  I was on a cruise ship in a storm and a woman fell overboard. I was about to throw one of those life-preserver things but she yelled, ‘Just throw me some soap!’ I said, ‘Why soap?’ and she said, ‘So I’ll get washed ashore!’

  I ran for my suitcase but someone had stolen all my soap — the dirty crook!

  The thief made a clean getaway.

  But seriously, folks, I was mountain climbing with a guide. I was dangling off a cliff from a rope and I said to the guide, ‘What happens if the rope breaks?’ And he said, ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got another one.’

  I was moving overseas and two guys came to pick up a trunk full of books I was shipping. Next thing I know I saw one of them struggling with the trunk. I said, ‘Where’s your mate?’ And he said, ‘He’s inside, carrying the books.’

  So I put a lamp in the trunk to make the load lighter.

  But seriously, I went to France and my eyes went all wonky I had them tested. This bloke held up a card with tiny letters on it. He said, ‘Can you read this?’ I said, ‘No.’ ‘How about this?’ he said, holding up a card with bigger writing on it. ‘No, I still can’t read it,’ I said. ‘How about this?’ he asked, holding up a card with huge letters on it. ‘Sorry,’ I said, ‘I can’t read French.’

  Anyway, we had this dreadful flight. I had two meals: once going down and the next time coming up.

  We landed really hard. I thought the wheels would fall off. When I got off the aeroplane the pilot was standing in the doorway. I said, ‘You ought to be ashamed of yourself. What did you get those stripes for?’ And he said, ‘About two dollars fifty.’

  It’s all true. It’s all perfectly true. Would I lie to you? Of course not.

  Thank you.

  A Poem about an Orange

  I wrote a poem about an orange

  But I could find no rhyme for orange

  Borange? Corange? Dorange? Forange?

  none were words — not even porange

  My brain was locked

  My poem stopped

  So this is it — there is no morange.

  But maybe — if you have the time —

  You could write an orange rhyme.

  My brain is absolutely dead

  (It’s time, I think, to go to bed).

  The Elephant Ride

  One day I had an elephant ride

  I hopped right up with one great stride

  And tucked my knees behind his ears

  Then nudged him into forward gear

  We ambled this way and then that

  And there I sat and sat and sat

  Until my legs began to squirm

  Atop this gentle pachyderm

  I asked him did he have to walk so slow

  ‘Be fair,’ he said, ‘you’ve had your go.

  If you don’t mind I’ll put you down.

  You’ve had six passes through the town.’

  He picked me up with his leathery trunk

  And dropped me with a solid thunk!

  Then trumpeted a toot of glee

  Then turned — and then he sat on me

  Dr Trifle

  Dr Trifle is married to Mrs Trifle and is also one of Selby’s ‘owners'.

  PERSONAL DETAILS:

  Born in: Bogusville, Australia.

  First names: Edison Einstein.

  Nickname: Blinky.

  Job: Inventor.

  Height: 1435 ups. ('Ups’ are a unit of measure that Dr Trifle invented himself.)

  Weight: 34 grobs. ('Grobs’ are a weight measurement that Dr Trifle also invented.)

  Favourite expression: ‘Goodness me.’ (He learned this from Mrs Trifle.)

  Favourite activity: Inventing new machines.

  Likes: A problem that can be solved by inventing a machine.

  Dislikes: A problem that can’t be solved by inventing a machine.

  BACKGROUND:

  Dr Trifle was the only child of two absent-minded scientists who were the joint inventors of ‘The Bouncing Shoe'. These shoes were so much fun that his parents sometimes bounced away and, in their absent-mindedness, didn’t come back for days.

  When Dr Trifle was only a year old, his mother started teach
ing him the alphabet. She got as far as C when young Edison said, ‘A plus B equals C.’ This mathematical equation is one of the most important ones ever discovered and has been used ever since. The young Dr Trifle was known to be a genius from a very early age, although he had great trouble tying his shoelaces.

  When he was in his early teens he invented a code-writing machine for the military. It is the one thing that he is never allowed to talk about to anyone.

  His happiest moment was when he was in the supermarket, bending down to tie his shoelaces with his newly invented shoelace-tying machine when a young woman bumped into him with her shopping trolley. The two fell in love and were married shortly afterwards.

  Mrs Trifle

  Mrs Trifle is married to Dr Trifle. They ‘own’ Selby.

  PERSONAL DETAILS:

  Born in: Dondingalong, Australia.

  First name: Clarabel.

  Job: Mayor of Bogusville.

  Favourite expressions: ‘Goodness me!’ (When something’s gone wrong.) And ‘Goodness me!’ (When she’s had a pleasant surprise.)

  Favourite activity: Running the town of Bogusville when everything is going smoothly.

  Principal weakness: She works too hard and doesn’t know when to stop.

  BACKGROUND:

  Mrs Trifle was the elder of two sisters: herself and Aunt Jetty. She did well at school and was always class captain and also captained her high school netball team. Her class voted her the most likely person to become the mayor of a small country town.