Selby's Shemozzle Read online

‘We certainly did,’ Dr Trifle agreed, giving Selby a big hug too. ‘We’re never going to let Ralpho try any tricks with you again.’

  ‘Oh, Selby, Selby, Selby!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘We love you so much.’

  ‘Yes, we do, we do, we do!’ Dr Trifle cried.

  ‘And I love you both too, too, too!’ Selby cried in his brain. ‘You are the loveliest people on earth.’

  ‘Speaking of Ralpho,’ Mrs Trifle said to Dr Trifle after they’d finished hugging Selby, ‘I forgot to tell you that he rang yesterday. He wants you to make another Kwangdangi Box.’

  ‘Well, I’m sorry but I just couldn’t do it,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘I agree. Think of how sad people would be when their pets go missing.’

  ‘No, I don’t mean that,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I couldn’t make one even if I wanted to. I found what’s left of the plans on the floor of my workroom this morning. They’ve been destroyed.’

  ‘Destroyed?’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Something’s ripped them to pieces,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘They’re in little bits with teeth marks all over them. It was almost as if Selby himself had done it.’

  Dr and Mrs Trifle both looked at Selby.

  ‘He wouldn’t have done something like that, of course,’ Mrs Trifle said with a smile, ‘but you could hardly blame him if he did.’

  And this time Selby didn’t want to say anything. He didn’t even think anything. He just lay there on his mat trying not to smile at his wonderful owners. He was just a normal talking dog again.

  See-Through Me

  Sometimes I think I’d like to be

  The sort of dog you cannot see,

  Whenever things were getting dull,

  I’d turn myself invisible.

  Oh to snap my paw just once a year

  And just like that! to disappear.

  I’d sneak into a pastry shop

  And quickly gobble up the lot.

  I’d creep up on those dreadful brats

  On tippy-toes, just like a cat,

  SThen breathe in one enormous breath

  And scream! and scare them half to death.

  And when I’m tired of transparency

  I’d say goodbye to see-through me

  And snap my paw again and be

  Just sweet little innocent see-able me.

  Paw note: Willy and Billy, of course.

  S

  Appendix 1

  Selby’s Elephant and Mouse Killer Joke

  An elephant and a mouse are walking down the street.

  The mouse says, ‘I hate being small. I’d love to be big like you.’

  And the elephant says, ‘You could be big like me if you wanted to. Here’s what you do. First find the nut of the jub-jub tree and bring it to me.’

  ‘Is that all I have to do?’

  ‘Yes, but the nearest jub-jub tree is a long way away and the nuts are very heavy.’

  ‘No problem,’ says the mouse, ‘I’ll roll it back.’

  And the elephant says, ‘You’ll have to go through lion country.’

  ‘I’ll do it,’ says the mouse.

  ‘And you’ll have to cross a river full of crocodiles.’

  ‘No problem,’ the mouse says.

  So off the mouse goes.

  Two years later the elephant sees the mouse, all battered and bruised, limping back into town. He’s rolling a jub-jub nut in front of him. Half of the nut is missing and the rest is covered in dirt and slime.

  The elephant says, ‘What happened?’

  And the mouse says, ‘Well, I did what you said. I managed to get through lion country and across the crocodile-filled river and get the nut. But when I was rolling it back through lion country again, the lions caught me and said they were going to eat me.’

  ‘How did you escape?’

  ‘I challenged the biggest, bravest lion. I said, “If I show you that I’m stronger than you, will you let me go?” The lion said, “You? Stronger than me? Ho ho ho. Okay, little mouse, it’s a deal.” I said, “Let me go and I’ll change into my Super Mouse costume.” Well, the lion let me go and I rolled the nut into a hollow log. They thought I was changing into my Super Mouse costume, but I rolled it out the other end of the log and into the jungle and I escaped.’

  ‘Very clever,’ the elephant said.

  ‘Yes, but then I was caught by crocodiles while I was crossing the river. Again I told them that I was braver than the bravest crocodile. Again I said I had to change into my Super Mouse costume, and again I went into a hollow log and escaped. Anyway, here I am and here’s the nut.’

  The elephant looked at the mouse. Then he looked at the jub-jub nut. Then, with a twinkle in his eye the elephant said to the mouse, ‘I’m sorry but after

  Department of Health

  We regret that we have had to take out the rest of this appendix in the interests of public safety.

  Now You Don’t

  Acknowledgments

  The author would like to thank Sophie Hamley, Shona Martyn, Lisa Berryman, Allan Stomann, Barbara Pepworth, Tracey Gibson and all the others at HarperCollins Australia for keeping an old dog going (and that goes for Selby too).

  About the Author

  Duncan Ball is an Australian author and scriptwriter, best known for his popular books for children. Among his best-loved works are the books about Selby, the talking dog. Selby’s Shemozzle is the thirteenth collection of short stories about ‘the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world’. There is also a selection of stories taken from the other books, called Selby’s Selection, and two collections of jokes, Selby’s Joke Book and Selby’s Side-Splitting Joke Book.

  Among Duncan’s other books are the Emily Eyefinger series, about the adventures of a girl who was born with an eye on the end of her finger, and the comedy novels Piggott Place and Piggotts in Peril, about the frustrations of twelve-year-old Bert Piggott, forever struggling to get his family of ratbags and dreamers out of the trouble they constantly get themselves into.

  Duncan lives in Sydney with his wife, Jill, and their cat, Jasper. As far as they know, Jasper likes the Selby books. But once when they were thinking of getting a dog, they bought a book about dogs. That night the book mysteriously disappeared. In the morning bits of the well-clawed cover were found floating in the loo.

  For more information about Duncan

  and his books see Selby’s site at:

  http://www.harpercollins.com.au/selby

  BY THE SAME AUTHOR

  Emily Eyefinger

  Emily Eyefinger, Secret Agent

  Emily Eyefinger and the Lost Treasure

  Emily Eyefinger and the Black Volcano

  Emily Eyefinger’s Alien Adventure

  Emily Eyefinger and the Devil Bones

  Emily Eyefinger and the Balloon Bandits

  Piggott Place

  Piggotts in Peril

  Selby’s Secret

  Selby Speaks

  Selby Screams

  Selby Supersnoop

  Selby Spacedog

  Selby Snowbound

  Selby Surfs

  Selby Snaps!

  Selby’s Joke Book

  Selby Splits

  Selby’s Selection

  Selby Stardom

  Selby’s Side-splitting Joke Book

  Author’s Note

  Selby rang me to tell me about some new great adventures — about being covered in chocolate, about changing the taste of Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits, about making up a killer joke — and then he said, ‘But I haven’t told you the best part yet.’

  And I said, ‘Your life sounds like a complete shemozzle.’

  ‘Hey, then let’s call the book Selby’s Shemozzle,’ he said. ‘I love that word! “Shemozzle” — what does it mean?’

  ‘It’s a mix-up, a muddle, a mess,’ I said. ‘A dog’s breakfast.’

  ‘A dog’s breakfast? Like Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits?’

  ‘Well, not exactly,’ I said. ‘It’s just that you always cause confu
sion. I know you don’t try to.’

  ‘Will kids know what a shemozzle is?’ Selby asked.

  ‘They will when they read the book,’ I said. ‘Now what about the “best part yet” that you were going to tell me?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ he said. ‘I’m invisible.’

  ‘You’re what?’

  ‘Invisible! I’ve disappeared. I’m gone. Actually, I’m not gone — I’m still here, only no one can see me.’

  ‘Is that true?’

  ‘Of course it’s true. Would I lie to you?’

  ‘How are you going to get visible again?’

  ‘I’m not. I like being invisible. I think I’ll stay this way.’

  And that’s when Selby told me his greatest adventure yet … or at least, the first part of it.

  Copyright

  Angus & Robertson

  An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers, Australia

  First published in Australia in 2005

  This edition published in 2011

  by HarperCollinsPublishers Australia Pty Limited

  ABN 36 009 913 517

  A member of the HarperCollinsPublishers (Australia) Pty Limited Group

  www.harpercollins.com.au

  Text copyright © Duncan Ball 2005

  Illustrations copyright © Allan Stomann 2005

  The right of Duncan Ball to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him under the Copyright Amendment (Moral Rights) Act 2000.

  This work is copyright. Apart from any use as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may be reproduced, copied, scanned, stored in a retrieval system, recorded, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  HarperCollinsPublishers

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  2 Bloor Street East, 20th floor, Toronto, Ontario M4W 1A8, Canada

  10 East 53rd Street, New York NY 10022, USA

  National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

  Ball, Duncan, 1941–.

  Selby’s Schemozzle / Duncan Ball.

  ISBN: 978-0-2072-0040-3 (pbk.)

  ISBN: 978-0-7304-9517-8 (ePub)

  1. Dogs – Juvenile fiction. I. Stomann, Allan. II. Title.

  A823.3

  Cover design by Christa Moffitt, Christabella Designs

  Cover and internal illustrations by Allan Stomann