Selby's Shemozzle Read online

  The door opened again and Selby leapt out onto the stage, trying not to smile. There was a stunned silence, then more laughter.

  ‘Great training, Ralpho!’ someone yelled. ‘But you forgot to teach him to come out of the hiding place!’

  Dr and Mrs Trifle shot past Selby and peered into the box.

  ‘Selby?’ Mrs Trifle said, lifting the panel. ‘Where are you?’

  ‘Yes, where are you, Selby?’ Dr Trifle asked, tipping the box down to have a closer look.

  ‘I’m over here,’ Selby thought. ‘Are you both blind or something?’

  ‘Ralpho!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘What have you done with Selby?’

  Suddenly there was a burst of applause as magicians dashed onto the stage to look in the box.

  ‘What a trick!’ one of them said. ‘Congratulations, Ralpho! You had us all fooled. That was the best trick ever!’

  ‘You pretended it was the old secret-hiding-place-under-the-floor trick,’ someone else said, ‘but you did something else.’

  ‘I take it back, Ralpho!’ someone else yelled. ‘You are truly magnificent!’

  ‘Ralpho,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘could you bring Selby back … please?’

  ‘I’m right here!’ Selby thought. ‘Come on, everyone, don’t scare me like that. You can see me, can’t you? Don’t pretend you can’t. Hey, I get it. This is a trick on me. But why would they do that?’

  Selby looked over at a mirror at the side of the stage.

  ‘That’s strange,’ he thought. ‘I can see everyone there but me. Hang on! Where am I? Don’t tell me my mirror image escaped again!’

  ‘How did you do it, Ralpho?’ someone asked.

  ‘Well, I … well, I …’ Ralpho started as he looked into the box again. ‘I’m sorry, but I’m not going to tell.’

  ‘Ralpho,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘can we have our dog back, please?’

  Selby looked down at his feet.

  ‘My feet have gone,’ he thought. ‘Someone’s taken my feet. Come to think of it, where’s my tail, my front paws, my … my … everything is gone!’

  Selby could see the Trifles on the other side of the crowd being pushed away by magicians trying to get closer to the box.

  ‘Selby! Where are you?’ Mrs Trifle called.

  By now hundreds of magicians had left their seats and were pulling apart the Kwangdangi Box piece by piece to study it. Selby was kicked and stepped on, being forced off the stage to get out of the way of the crowd.

  ‘Here, Selby!’ Dr Trifle called out from the other side of the crowd. ‘Come here, boy.’

  ‘I’m over here!’ Selby yelled back. ‘I’m just invisible, that’s all.’

  But with the noise of the magicians, no one heard Selby’s cries.

  It took a long time for Selby to make his way around the crowd to where the Trifles had been, only to see them leaving through the stage door.

  ‘Stop! Wait for me!’ Selby yelled, following them onto the street.

  Mrs Trifle looked around towards him for one brief moment as she got into the car. By the time Selby reached the spot where the Trifles’ car had been parked, it was speeding away.

  Selby stood on the footpath for a moment.

  ‘My life is over,’ he sniffed. ‘I have nothing left to live for. I hope I never see another magician for the rest of my life. I’m sure that no one will ever see me again.’

  It was a sad, lonely and invisible dog that walked the streets of the big city, dodging this way and that to keep from being trampled on by a thousand walking feet.

  But while this sad chapter in the life of the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world drew to a close, a new chapter in the life of the only invisible talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world was about to begin.

  Because Selby had a plan …

  (Which you can read about in the very next story.)

  Paw note: To see how wrong Ralpho’s tricks can go, see ‘Ralpho’s Magic Show’ in the book Selby Screams and ‘Daggers of Death’ in Selby Spacedog.

  S

  Paw note: See the story ‘Selby Splits’ in the book Selby Splits.

  S

  See-Through Selby’s Return

  (Continued from the previous story.)

  Strange things began to happen in the city almost straightaway.

  Things that no one could explain.

  No one except Selby.

  Strange Thing number 1

  In a laneway, two boys were robbing a little girl.

  ‘Give us your money and your mobile phone!’ one of the boys demanded.

  ‘But I don’t have a mobile,’ the girl said.

  ‘Shut up and give us your backpack!’

  One of the boys was about to grab the backpack when a little voice said, ‘Get away from me or else!’

  The boys stopped and looked at each other.

  ‘Did she just threaten us?’ one of them asked.

  ‘I think she did. Grab her!’

  Suddenly the girl’s backpack swung in a big circle, hitting one of the boys on the head.

  ‘Ooooooooh,’ he groaned as he fell to the ground.

  ‘Something just bit me!’ the other boy screamed, grabbing his leg.

  ‘And I’ll bite you again if you don’t get out of here,’ the voice said.

  ‘Ouch!’

  ‘Ooooh!’

  ‘Ouch!’

  The two boys moaned as they hobbled off down the laneway.

  The puzzled girl looked around and picked up her backpack.

  ‘They’ll never bother you again,’ the voice said. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Yes, I’m okay.’ The girl asked, ‘Who are you? I can’t see you.’

  ‘I’m your guardian angel,’ the voice said.

  Strange Thing number 2

  A little old blind lady started across the street, waving her white stick in front of her. Suddenly a car sped around a corner, heading straight towards her.

  ‘Look out!’ a voice out of nowhere yelled, and suddenly a mysterious force pushed her backwards.

  The car sped past, missing her by centimetres.

  ‘Oh thank you, young man,’ the woman said, catching her breath.

  ‘You’re very welcome,’ the voice said. ‘Take my hand and I’ll help you across the street.’

  ‘You’ve been most helpful,’ the woman said when she reached the other side. ‘And, goodness me, you have a very hairy hand.’

  Strange Thing number 3

  In a restaurant, a very nervous young man was having dinner with his girlfriend.

  ‘Rachel?’

  ‘Yes, Dudley?’

  ‘Rachel, I want to ask you a question. I want to know if you would … well um …’

  ‘Yes, Dudley?’

  ‘I like you very much and, well, we’ve been going out for a long time and …’

  ‘Yes, a long long time, Dudley.’

  ‘I like you a lot, Rachel, and I think you like me too.’

  ‘Yes, Dudley, I do. I do. What did you want to ask me?’

  ‘I’ve been wanting to ask you if you would … if you would be my …’

  ‘Yes, Dudley, what is it?’

  ‘I-I-I don’t know if I-I-I can ask.’

  ‘Please, Dudley, ask me. Oh, Dudley, don’t be afraid.’

  ‘I, well, I, well, I … wonder if you would … go out with me again next week.’

  ‘Is that all you wanted to ask?! Well, yes, okay,’ the girl sighed. ‘Now let’s eat before the food gets cold.’

  Suddenly a voice said, ‘Rachel, will you marry me?’

  ‘What was that? Marry you? Oh yes, Dudley, yes, yes, yes, of course I’ll marry you! I thought you’d never ask! And you did it without even opening your mouth. How did you do that?’

  ‘I don’t know. Somehow it just came out.’

  ‘Well I’m glad it finally did. Okay, it’ll be a June wedding. I’ll wear a white taffeta gown with white silk shoes and my bridesmaids will wear pink, and my brother’s rock
group will do the music. We’ll have a two-week honeymoon on Honeymoon Island and — hmmm, that’s strange.’

  ‘What’s strange, Rachel?’

  ‘I could have sworn there were ten peanut prawns left on that plate. Now there are only six. Did you eat some?’

  ‘No, it wasn’t me.’

  Later that day, in the poshest hotel in the city, two clerks were talking.

  ‘How exciting!’ one of them said. ‘We have a mystery guest in the Grand Royal Super Suite. It’s been ages since anyone stayed there.’

  ‘He must be very very rich. Who is he?’

  ‘I don’t know. He signed in as a Mr S. Trifle just an hour ago. The first thing he did was call Room Service and order lots of food. I took the trolley up to his suite and knocked. He called out, “Come in!” When I went in he asked me to leave the trolley next to the spa. The spa was filled with water and churning away but there was no one in it. It was very strange.’

  ‘He was probably hiding in the other room so you wouldn’t see him,’ the other clerk said.

  ‘I know. I reckon he’s a famous movie star and S. Trifle is just a made-up name.’

  Selby sat in the whirlpool spa in the Grand Royal Super Suite of the BigBux Delux Hotel. In one paw he held a slice of Double Raspberry Ripple Cream Cake and in the other a tall glass of Fruit Fandango with a curly straw and a pink paper umbrella.

  ‘This is the life,’ he thought as he pushed a button and watched the marble wall open to reveal a wide-screen TV. Selby started to click his way through one hundred and twenty channels and sixty movies.

  But his mind was only partly on the spa, the food and the one hundred and twenty channels of TV and sixty movies.

  ‘I love being invisible,’ Selby thought.

  In the short time he’d been invisible, he’d taken the lift up to the top of the Crystal Tower, visited two museums, the aquarium and the zoo, and he’d even taken a cruise around the harbour — and all without paying a cent.

  ‘When you’re invisible,’ he thought, ‘you can do anything you want!’

  But the happiest part was helping people. Selby had slipped a wallet back into someone’s pocket after they’d dropped it in the street. He’d caught a little boy when he fell off the swings in the park. He’d even knocked the gun out of a bankrobber’s hand. He’d done lots and lots of things that made him feel good.

  But Selby had a new plan …

  ‘I know I can’t stay here forever,’ Selby thought. ‘But I wouldn’t want to anyway. No, I’m going back to Bogusville and the wonderful Trifles. Only, things are going to be very different.’

  Now that he was invisible, Selby would have to talk to the Trifles, of course, or they wouldn’t even know he was there and wouldn’t feed him or pat him.

  They would be shocked at first, but they’d get over it. Then he’d tell them everything about his life. They would have to keep it all a secret, of course, because no one would believe that they had a real, live talking dog, especially if the dog was invisible. Then Selby could go wherever he wanted to and do as he liked. And the best thing of all was … he would never have to worry about Willy and Billy ever again.

  ‘I was angry at Ralpho for making me invisible,’ Selby thought. ‘But now I know he’s given me a whole new life. I think I’ll ring Duncan right now and tell him about what happened.’

  Selby had just hung up the phone when a news flash came up on the TV screen.

  News Flash!

  Magic at MAGIC!

  Dog Disappears at Magicians’ Show!

  ‘It’s being called the greatest magic trick ever,’ the newsreader said. ‘Today at the Mysterious and Ghostly International Conference magician Ralpho the Magnificent made a real dog actually disappear. The magician is here with us in the studio. How did you do it, Mr Magnificent?’

  ‘A good magician never tells his tricks,’ Ralpho said, smiling slightly.

  ‘Yes, but is this dog actually gone or is he invisible?’

  ‘I don’t know. I hadn’t thought about that. I think he’s gone.’

  ‘Are you going to bring him back?’

  ‘No, I don’t know how to. I mean, I don’t think I’ll do that,’ Ralpho said.

  ‘This dog, was he your dog?’

  ‘He belonged to my good friends, the Trifles. They’re a bit sad, of course,’ Ralpho said. ‘I’ll buy them a nice new puppy and that should cheer them up. Sorry, gotta go now. I’m getting phone calls from all around the world.’

  ‘A nice new puppy!’ Selby said. ‘Does he

  really think he can replace me with any old puppy?’

  ‘Staying with our main story,’ the newsreader said, ‘we now cross to the home of the most famous magician of our time, the Great Whodunni.’

  ‘I can’t believe it!’ Selby said, sitting up straight in the spa. ‘Whodunni is still alive! I thought he’d been dead for yonks.’

  Selby listened as the old magician talked about the Kwangdangi Box, about the boy disappearing, and about how he’d sold the plans for the box to Ralpho.

  ‘I could never work out how the trick was done,’ the old man said. ‘I guess Ralpho must be a cleverer magician than I ever was.’

  ‘Rubbish!’ Selby said. ‘You were the greatest! Ralpho was just lucky that Dr Trifle made the box look exactly like the first one.’

  Suddenly the faces of Dr and Mrs Trifle filled the TV screen. There were tears rolling down their cheeks as they spoke.

  ‘This is the worst day of our lives,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Our wonderful dog, Selby, is gone forever.’

  ‘I’m not really gone,’ Selby said. ‘I’m here! And I’ll see you tomorrow. Of course, you won’t see me.’

  ‘Selby was like our child,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Better than a child,’ Mrs Trifle added. ‘We had none of the problems you get with kids. He didn’t complain. He didn’t mess up his room.’

  ‘It was just nice seeing him there,’ Dr Trifle said, ‘lying happily on a newspaper or something. Sometimes we even thought he was reading it.’

  ‘We talked to him just like he was a person,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘That’s the wonderful thing about pets. They just make you feel good that they’re there and you can reach out and pat them. And you can see them and talk to them and they never talk back. And now (sniff) we’ll never ever see him again.’

  ‘Gulp,’ Selby gulped, blinking back a tear. ‘This is terrible. They don’t want me to be a talking dog. They just want to be able to see me. They just want me to be the way I always was. Oh, woe woe woe. What am I going to do?’

  (Find out in the very next story.)

  Paw note: He was right, of course, because my real name isn’t Selby and the Trifles’ real name isn’t Trifle.

  S

  Paw note: The last time I went up the Crystal Tower I did it the hard way. See the story ‘Selby on Glass’ in the book Selby Scrambled.

  S

  See-Through Selby’s Return (Again)

  (Continued again from the previous story.)

  It was an exhausted (and invisible) dog that climbed into the window of the old house. The room was dark except for the small lamp on the desk. An old man squinted into the darkness.

  ‘Who’s there?’ he asked.

  ‘Me,’ Selby said, hopping up onto the desk, ‘the dog that disappeared at the MAGIC Show today.’

  ‘The what? Is that you, Ralpho?’

  ‘No, it’s me, Selby — the dog that disappeared.’

  ‘You’re a dog? But dogs can’t talk!’

  ‘Well, I can — and I do. But the worst thing now is that Ralpho made me invisible.’

  Selby told the Great Whodunni how he learnt to talk and why he kept it a secret. He even told him about the books that have been written about him.

  ‘I read one of those once,’ the old man said. ‘I kind of liked it, but I never believed it was true.’

  ‘That’s because you don’t believe in real magic,’ Selby said. ‘You think that everything is tricks and lies, bu
t it’s not. It was magic when I learnt to talk and it was magic again when that stupid Kwangdangi Box made me disappear. When I saw you were still alive, I decided to come here to see if you could change me back.’

  ‘How do you expect me to do that?’

  ‘What were the words that the magician in Kwangdangi said when he made the boy come back?’

  ‘I really can’t remember. It was something like zee moskel! or she-munkle! or kee-muskle! Something like that.’

  ‘Oh well,’ Selby said. ‘It doesn’t matter anyway, because you don’t have a Kwangdangi Box.’

  ‘Yes, I do.’

  ‘You do?’

  ‘Yes, I brought the original one back from Kwangdangi to study. It’s over there in the corner.’

  Selby looked over to the corner of the room. In a second he’d leaped down from the desk and was in the box. He pulled the door closed.

  ‘Try to remember those magic words!’ he said.

  ‘Well, I don’t know. Zee moskel! she-munkle!

  kee-muskle! I just can’t remember. It’s too long ago.’

  ‘Keep trying!’ Selby pleaded. ‘Please! My life depends on it!’

  ‘See-mottle! She-moskle! Ski-momo! Skymozzie! I’m afraid it’s just not working. I really can’t remember the magic words. I’m sorry.’

  ‘I’m sorry too,’ Selby said as a still-invisible tear rolled down his cheek.

  ‘I’ll tell you what I’ll do,’ the old man said. ‘Why don’t you live here? After all, if I hadn’t gone to Kwangdangi this never would have happened. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about you. It’s all my fault, this whole big terrible shemozzle.’

  Bllllliiiiinnnng!

  It was a tired but very visible talking dog that limped back to Bogusville and crept into the Trifles’ house to sleep for the night. And it was a surprised and very happy Dr and Mrs Trifle who grabbed him the next morning and hugged him so hard that it hurt.

  ‘Selby, you’re back!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘Where have you been? We missed you so much.’