The Joke's on Selby Read online

  Moments later, he watched in shock as the old man stood in front of his mirror and grabbed his face, pulling it off along with his grey hair. Underneath was a younger man.

  ‘It’s a mask!’ Selby gasped. ‘No wonder he could talk without moving his lips! Selby, the dog detective*, strikes again!’

  That evening, Gary found a mysterious note in his dressing room. It read:

  The hecklen wears a mask. Look for an old man with silver hair and a pimple on hie nose.

  ‘So that’s how he does it!’ Gary cried. ‘But I wonder who wrote this note.’

  ‘Not us,’ said the Trifles.

  ‘Well, whoever did,’ Gary said, ‘just saved my career. If this masked man turns up at my show tonight, I’ll be ready for him.’

  Once again, Dr and Mrs Trifle were in the theatre, watching the audience. And, once again, Selby watched from behind the curtain.

  ‘Every seat is filled and I still don’t see the gagster,’ Selby thought. ‘That’s strange. Maybe he’s not coming, after all.’

  Finally, Gary came out onto the stage.

  ‘Good evening, ladies and jellyfish,’ he said. ‘It’s great to be back in Bogusville. This is where I did my very first comedy show. You may not know this but I wasn’t always a comedian. I used to work at a garage installing mufflers but it was exhausting. It was exhausting! Woo woo woo!’

  ‘I haven’t heard that one before,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s got so many great jokes.’

  ‘But seriously, folks,’ Gary went on. ‘I wanted to be a musician but my piano playing wasn’t noteworthy. Woo woo woo! So I went to work in a shoe factory but I didn’t fit in. Then I tried to be a witch. I only did that for a spell. For a while I worked at the zoo feeding the giraffes but I just wasn’t up to it. Woo woo woo! I thought you’d like that one.’

  ‘Like it?’ Selby screamed in his brain. ‘I loved

  it.’

  ‘But seriously, folks. I tried to be a doctor but I just didn’t have the patients. And then I was a history teacher for a while but I didn’t think there was any future in it.’

  ‘Gary has to be the funniest funnyman in the whole world,’ Selby thought as he bit his tongue to keep from laughing out loud. ‘I can barely stand it!’

  After a while, Gary said, ‘My hopeless little brother, Larry, had his first day at school. Mum asked him, “Was it fun?” And my brother said —’

  Before Gary could say another word, a voice from the audience yelled out, ‘Yes, but someone called Miss kept spoiling it.’

  ‘It’s him again!’ Selby thought.

  ‘Thank you,’ Gary said with a laugh. ‘My little brother was so dumb that he thought that a traffic jam was —’

  ‘Something police officers put on their toast!’ the voice yelled out.

  Selby’s eyes darted from one person to the next. ‘I can’t see who’s doing it,’ he thought.

  Gary went on. ‘My hopeless little brother thought that a see–saw was —’

  ‘Something you cut water with!’ the heckler yelled. ‘No wonder I didn’t see him!’ Selby thought. ‘He’s dressed like a woman this time! He’s about three rows back. No one’s spotted him! I’ve got to stop him before he ruins Gary’s act again.’

  Selby slipped silently along the row just behind the ghostly gagster.

  ‘This is him, I know it is!’ Selby looked up at the woman’s hair hanging down over the back of the seat. ‘I’ll just wait a second to be sure.’

  ‘One day Larry and I were getting dressed to go to school,’ Gary said, ‘and I said, “Hey, you’ve got holes in your underwear.” And he said —’

  ‘Here I go!’ Selby thought. ‘Selby to the rescue!’

  And the voice yelled out, ‘Of course I’ve got holes in my underwear —‘

  As soon as those words were out of his mouth, the man felt a sudden tug from behind that pulled off his wig and his mask at the same time.

  ‘How do you think I get my feet into them …?’ the man said, his voice getting slower and lower as he went. ‘Hey! What’s going on here?!’

  As Selby crept quietly beneath the seats, the man slowly stood up.

  Gary Gaggs stared at him in disbelief.

  ‘Larry!’ he cried. ‘It’s you, my own brother! You’re the one who’s been ruining my shows! Why? Why did you do it?’

  Larry’s face turned pink, then red and then deep purple. Tears formed in his eyes.

  ‘Because you’re not nice,’ he sobbed. ‘Just because you’re Mr Big Famous Comedian doesn’t mean you can be cruel to your little brother.’

  ‘Oh, Larry,’ Gary said, stepping off the stage. ‘I was just joking.’

  ‘Jokes can hurt people, you know.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Gary said, giving his brother a big hug. ‘I had no idea I was hurting your feelings. I promise I’ll never tell jokes about you again. Will you forgive me?’

  ‘Yes,’ Larry said, blowing his nose, ‘if you’ll forgive me for ruining your shows.’

  And, as Selby slipped secretly out from beneath the seats, he heard the loudest clapping and cheering that he’d ever heard at one of Gary’s comedy shows.

  ‘Isn’t that lovely?’ Selby thought as he too felt tears come to his eyes. ‘I think this was Gary’s greatest show ever.’

  * Paw note: See the story ‘Selby Supersnoop, Dog Detective’ in the book Selby Supersnoop. S

  GARY GAGGS’ HECKLER BUSTERS

  When hecklers interrupt Gary Gaggs’ comedy shows, he has lots of what he calls ‘heckler busters’ to make fun of them and get them to stop. Here are some good ones:

  ‘I never forget a face but in your case I’ll try.’

  ‘Oh my goodness! Look at your face! Was anyone else hurt in the accident?’

  ‘This guy is descended from royalty. His grandfather was King Kong.’

  ‘Thanks for your point of view. Come to think of it, it matches the point on your head.’

  ‘But seriously, folks, this guy tried to leave his brain to science but they rejected it.’

  ‘I’m not saying that he’s dumb but mind-readers only charge him half price.’

  ‘So you think you’re a wit? Well at least you’re half right.’

  ‘You’ve got a lot of well-wishers here. These people wish they could throw you down a well.’

  ‘Excuse me, sir, but did you get up bright and early this morning, or just early?’

  ‘You may not know it but you just won the lucky door prize. Will someone please show him the door?’

  ‘Your mother must have been a weight-lifter to raise a dumbbell like you.’

  ‘This guy isn’t bald, he’s just taller than his hair. It’s not a great head but I’m sure he’d never part with it.’

  ‘When he was at school he got nothing but underwater marks. They were all below C level.’

  ‘He had to leave school because of illness and fatigue. The principal got sick and tired of him.’

  APPENDIX

  Selby’s Elephant and Mouse Killer Joke

  An elephant and a mouse are walking down the street.

  The mouse says, ‘I hate being small. I’d love to be big like you.’

  And the elephant says, ‘You could be big like me if you wanted to. Here’s what you do. First find the nut of the jub-jub tree and bring it to me.’

  ‘Is that all I have to do?’

  ‘Yes, but the nearest jub-jub tree is a long way away and the nuts are very heavy.’

  ‘No problem,’ says the mouse, ‘I’ll roll it back.’

  And the elephant says, ‘You’ll have to go through lion country.’

  ‘I’ll do it,’ says the mouse.

  ‘And you’ll have to cross a river full of crocodiles.’

  ‘No problem,’ the mouse says.

  So off the mouse goes.

  Two years later the elephant sees the mouse, all battered and bruised, limping back into town. He’s rolling a jub–jub nut in front of him. Half of the nut is missing and the rest is cov
ered in dirt and slime.

  The elephant says, ‘What happened?’

  And the mouse says, ‘Well, I did what you said. I managed to get through lion country and across the crocodile-filled river and get the nut. But when I was rolling it back through lion country again, the lions caught me and said they were going to eat me.’

  ‘How did you escape?’

  ‘I challenged the biggest, bravest lion. I said, “If I show you that I’m stronger than you, will you let me go?” The lion said, “You? Stronger than me? Ho ho ho. Okay, little mouse, it’s a deal.” I said, “Let me go and I’ll change into my Super Mouse costume.” Well, the lion let me go and I rolled the nut into a hollow log. They thought I was changing into my Super Mouse costume, but I rolled it out the other end of the log and into the jungle and I escaped.’

  ‘Very clever,’ the elephant said.

  ‘Yes, but then I was caught by crocodiles while I was crossing the river. Again I told them that I was braver than the bravest crocodile. Again I said I had to change into my Super Mouse costume, and again I went into a hollow log and escaped. Anyway, here I am and here’s the nut.’

  The elephant looked at the mouse. Then he looked at the jub-jub nut. Then, with a twinkle in his eye the elephant said to the mouse, ‘I’m sorry but after

  Department of Health

  We regret that we have had to take out the

  rest of this appendix in the interests

  of public safety.

  About the Author

  Duncan Ball is an Australian author who writes popular books for children. He has written fifteen story collections about Selby, ‘the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world', and another collection of Selby stories taken from the other books, called Selby’s Selection, as well as two joke books: Selby’s Joke Book and Selby’s Side-Splitting Joke Book.

  Duncan has also written the Emily Eyefinger books, a series about the adventures of a girl who was born with an eye on the end of her finger, and the comedy novels Piggott Place and Piggotts in Peril, about the frustrations of a twelve-year-old boy, Bert Piggott, in a never-ending struggle to get his family of ratbags and dreamers out of trouble.

  Duncan lives in Sydney with his wife, Jill, and their cat, Jasper.

  By the Same Author

  Emily Eyefinger

  Emily Eyefinger, Secret Agent

  Emily Eyefinger and the Lost Treasure

  Emily Eyefinger and the Black Volcano

  Emily Eyefinger’s Alien Adventure

  Emily Eyefinger and the Devil Bones

  Emily Eyefinger and the Balloon Bandits

  Emily Eyefinger and the Ghost Ship

  Emily Eyefinger and the Puzzle in the Jungle

  Emily Eyefinger and the City in the Sky

  Piggott Place

  Piggotts in Peril

  The Case of the Graveyard Ghost and Other Mysteries

  The Case of the Vampire’s Wire and Other Mysteries

  Selby’s Secret

  Selby Speaks

  Selby Screams

  Selby Supersnoop

  Selby Spacedog

  Selby Snowbound

  Selby Surfs

  Selby Snaps!

  Selby’s Joke Book

  Selby Splits

  Selby’s Selection

  Selby’s Stardom

  Selby’s Side-splitting Joke Book

  Selby Sorcerer

  Selby Scrambled

  Selby’s Shemozzle

  Selby Shattered

  Selby Santa

  Copyright

  Angus&Robertson

  The stories in this book were originally published in Selby Speaks (1988), Selby Spacedog (1996), Selby Surfs (1999), Selby Snaps (2000), Selby’s Selection (2001), Selby’s Stardom (2002), Selby Sorcerer (2003), Selby Scrambled (2004), Selby’s Shemozzle (2005), and Selby Shattered (2006).

  This collection first published in Australia in 2008

  This edition published in 2011

  by HarperCollinsPublishers Australia Pty Limited

  ABN 36 009 913 517

  www.harpercollins.com.au

  Text copyright © Duncan Ball 1988, 1996, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008

  Illustrations copyright © Allan Stomann 1988, 1996, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008

  The right of Duncan Ball and Allan Stomann to be identified as the authors of this work has been asserted by them under the Copyright Amendment (Moral Rights) Act 2000.

  This work is copyright. Apart from any use as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may be reproduced, copied, scanned, stored in a retrieval system, recorded, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  HarperCollinsPublishers

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  2 Bloor Street East, 20th floor, Toronto, Ontario M4W 1A8, Canada

  10 East 53rd Street, New York NY 10022, USA

  National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

  Ball, Duncan, 1941–.

  The Jokes on Selby / Duncan Ball.

  ISBN: 978-0-7322-8862-4 (pbk.)

  ISBN: 978-0-7304-9512-3 (ePub)

  For primary school age.

  Dogs – Juvenile literature.

  A823.3

  Cover design by Matt Stanton

  Cover and internal illustrations by Allan Stomann