Selby Santa Page 7

  Selby shuddered a nervous shudder and was about to turn and dash for the door. In his own mind he was already halfway out the door when he realised that his feet weren’t moving. Nothing of him was moving.

  ‘I’m frozen!’ he screamed in his brain. ‘I’m frozen with fear! It’s like when I drank Dr Trifle’s Nice water! Help! This snake has got me hypnotised!’

  Selby still had his eyes glued to the case when Postie and the others gathered round.

  ‘Goodness,’ Postie said, ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dog as fascinated by a snake as Selby is.’

  ‘I’m not fascinated,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m fastened! To the floor!’

  ‘This is Midnight,’ Postie said. ‘He’s our King Black Python. Like the others in here, he hunts at night. His eyesight isn’t very good but he can sense his prey blinking from twenty metres.’

  ‘He’s about to sense me wet my pants!’ Selby thought. ‘Only I’m not even wearing pants!’

  ‘As soon as the sun hits him,’ Postie went on, ‘he falls fast asleep. He’ll sleep all day in the light, soaking up energy for the next night’s hunting. It’s like charging his batteries. Pythons swallow their prey whole. A python like this can swallow an animal the size of Selby.’

  ‘That’s all I needed to hear,’ Selby thought.

  ‘Is his mouth really big enough to swallow Selby?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘Absolutely. First he wraps himself around his prey and squeezes it so it can’t get away.’

  ‘Oh great,’ Selby sighed in his brain.

  ‘Then he slowly makes his jaws come apart so his mouth is huge.’

  ‘If he tried to eated me, I’d punch him really hard!’ Billy said.

  ‘Me too!’ said Willy, making a fist. ‘I’d punch him really, really hard!’

  ‘Yes, boys,’ Postie said. ‘Now let’s see some birds, everyone.’

  The crowd filed out of the Nocturnal House, leaving Selby still frozen in front of Midnight’s case. The snake’s body squirmed slowly around, his eyes staring straight at Selby, his red tongue flicking in and out.

  ‘He’s like a giant magnet that won’t let me go! He’s got me in his grip! But that’s silly,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s just my brain that won’t let me move. I’m the one that has to get a grip.’

  Selby turned his head away from the snake’s stare.

  ‘There,’ he muttered,‘I’m a free dog again.’

  ‘You talked!’ a voice behind him said.

  ‘I heard you too, stinky dog!’ another voice said.

  ‘The brats!’ Selby thought. ‘I’ve got to get out of here!’

  Before Selby could race for the door, Willy grabbed him by the collar.

  ‘You have to talk.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Billy said, gripping Selby’s back legs, ‘time to talk.’

  ‘Okay, guys,’ Selby said. ‘I’m talking. Now let me go.’

  ‘You hafta tell people!’ Willy demanded.

  ‘Yeah, you hafta talk to Mummy!’ Billy said.

  ‘Listen, guys, I’m a little busy just at the moment, so if you don’t mind —’

  ‘You shut up!’Willy said. ‘Or we’re gonna … we’re gonna …’

  ‘Or you’re gonna what?’ Selby said. ‘Okay, so I should never have talked to you in the first place. But nobody believes a word you twerps say, so let me go and we’ll forget all about it.’

  By the time Selby realised what was about to happen, it was too late. Willy had jumped up on a Wom-Bin and slid open the bolt at the top of Midnight’s case. In a second, he and Billy had thrown Selby inside.

  ‘Hey, hang on, guys, let me out of here,’ Selby shouted. ‘Sheeeesh! I’m standing on the snake! Oh yuck!’

  Selby quickly moved his feet, stepping between the big black coils of snake, and pushed as hard as he could against the lid of the case. But, just as he did, Billy slid the bolt across, locking him inside. Now Selby could feel the massive snake moving under and around him. Each time he felt the touch of its cold skin, he moved his feet again.

  On the other side of the window, Willy and Billy watched and laughed.

  ‘Hey, Billy!’ Willy squealed. ‘The stinky dog is gonna get eated by the snake!’

  ‘Hey, guys,’ Selby said. ‘Let me out. Come on, you’re going to be in big trouble.’

  ‘We can’t hear you, can we, Billy?’ Willy said.

  ‘You can hear me. Let me out! You’re going to get spanked! Then the police are going to put you in jail till you’re very, very old!’

  Midnight was moving faster now, his head slithering across Selby’s back and then under his legs. Selby moved sideways and stepped over the snake, only to have it wrap around him again.

  ‘Oh sheeeesh,’ Selby muttered. ‘This is my worst nightmare come true!’

  One of Midnight’s big black coils landed on Selby so heavily that his legs went out from under him. In a second, he found himself slithering like a snake to get out from under the huge python.

  ‘Okay, guys!’ Selby yelled. ‘You win! Let me out and I’ll talk!’

  ‘Okay,’ Billy said,‘I’ll get Mummy!’

  ‘There’s no time! Let me out and I’ll talk to her. I’ll talk to everybody!’

  ‘You tell lies!’Willy said.

  ‘Yeah! You’re a liar poop dog!’ Billy said.

  ‘Listen, if this snake eats me,’ Selby called out, ‘no one will ever believe you when you say that I was a talking dog! So you’ve got to save me! Think about it — if that isn’t too hard for your tiny little brains.’

  ‘You’re not nice!’ Willy said. ‘That was bad what you said.’

  ‘I was kidding! Just unlock this case and I’ll do anything you say!’

  Selby was twisting like a corkscrew now as the snake tried again and again to wind itself around him. Suddenly he felt the flicker of the snake’s tongue on his ear.

  ‘I was kidding about your tiny brains! Help me!’ Selby pleaded. ‘Oh no, his jaw is coming apart! He’s opening his mouth really wide! He’s going to swallow me!’

  Selby dodged quickly to the side and felt a heavy rock under him. In a flash, he’d picked it up and hurled it with all his might, smashing the front of the case.

  ‘Out of my way, you little mongrels!’ Selby cried as he dived out of Midnight’s grasp, knocking Willy and Billy to the ground.

  And in the blink of an eye, Selby was outside, his heart pounding like a piston engine, his legs shaking so much he couldn’t run straight.

  ‘Those kids tried to kill me! I’ll get them back for that!’

  Selby was heading for the zoo exit when he heard Aunt Jetty’s voice nearby.

  ‘Has anyone seen Willy and Billy?’

  ‘They were in the Nocturnal House,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I didn’t see them come out.’

  Selby looked back and saw Midnight slithering out into the bright sunlight.

  ‘A snake!’ someone screamed. ‘Help, a snake-escape!’

  ‘It’s Midnight,’ Postie said. ‘Stand back. He’ll go to sleep now that he’s out in the sun. I’ll get a net.’

  But there was something strange about Midnight. In the middle of that huge, long, black body were two boy-sized lumps.

  ‘He’s eaten Willy and Billy!’ Aunt Jetty screamed. ‘He’s eaten my babies! Somebody do something! Help!’

  ‘I’ll ring the emergency-rescue people,’ Postie said.

  ‘No, there’s no time!’Aunt Jetty yelled.

  On a wall nearby was a box with a fire axe in it. Aunt Jetty smashed the glass and grabbed the axe.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Postie cried.

  ‘Out of my way, you mail mangler!’ Aunt Jetty yelled. ‘I’ll chop the snake’s head off and slit it up the middle!’

  ‘But you can’t do that!’ Postie said. ‘He’s a valuable snake!’

  Aunt Jetty raised the axe over her head and, as she did, Postie Paterson grabbed her arms.

  ‘Let go of me or I’ll chop your head off, too!’Aunt Jetty screamed.<
br />
  ‘There has to be a better way!’ Postie pleaded.

  ‘Postie’s right!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘You’ll hurt the boys!’

  Selby was watching this drama from a distance when he suddenly noticed Willy and Billy peeking out of the bushes nearby.

  ‘Look at Mummy!’ Willy whispered. ‘She’s going to chop that dumb old snake!’

  ‘She thinks we’re in his tummy!’ Billy giggled. ‘That’s so funny!’

  ‘Why, you dirty guys!’ Selby said. ‘You’re going to let your mother kill that snake?’

  ‘It’s a stinky snake,’ Billy said. ‘We don’t care.’

  Selby’s mind raced as he watched Aunt Jetty knock Postie out of the way.

  ‘What can I do?’ he thought. ‘I don’t want her to kill Midnight. Okay, so I don’t exactly love snakes but it’s not his fault all this happened. I’m just going to have to talk. I’ll have to give away my secret. No, wait just a slithering second!’

  As Aunt Jetty raised the axe again, Selby put on his best high-pitched squeaky Willy voice. ‘Mummy! Billy and me are over here! The snake didn’t eated us.’

  Everyone looked in Selby’s direction. Aunt Jetty lowered the axe.

  ‘That dog talked!’ someone said, pointing to Selby. ‘It’s a talking dog! I can’t believe it!’

  ‘Don’t be silly!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘That was Willy’s voice. The boys must be in those bushes!’

  ‘Quick, hide!’ Billy whispered.

  Selby saw Willy and Billy creep through the bushes, leap up onto a bench and then over a wall.

  ‘Those low-down little brats!’ Selby thought. ‘They’re getting away!’

  Suddenly the air was filled with bloodcurdling screams.

  ‘My babies!’ Aunt Jetty cried, running towards the wall. ‘What have they done to my precious boys!’

  Everyone rushed to look over the wall and the sight that met Selby’s eyes brought a smile to his lips.

  Willy and Billy were huddled on the ground of the porcupine enclosure, crying and screaming in pain.

  Aunt Jetty leaned over and lifted them out.

  ‘Thank goodness I’ve found you, my little darlings. Heavens! What are all those things in your bottoms?’

  ‘We fell on the pork pies,’Willy whimpered.

  ‘Yeah, and it really hurts,’ Billy cried, with tears running down his cheeks.

  Suddenly there was a shout. ‘Something’s happening with the snake!’

  Midnight’s long thick body was heaving and twisting, his jaws gaping open. Slowly, two big things came out of his mouth.

  ‘Goodness me!’ Dr Trifle exclaimed. ‘A couple of my Wom-Bins!’

  ‘Oh me, oh my,’ Selby said with a sigh as he headed for home at last. ‘What a day! Wom-Bins, a huge snake and now Willy and Billy with their bottoms full of porcupine quills. Isn’t life fun?’

  Paw note: Postie Paterson is Bogusville’s postman and also the part-time keeper of the Bogusville Zoo.

  S

  Paw note: See the story ‘Selby Shattered’ in the book with the same name.

  S

  Paw note: It all started when I called Willy a brat ages ago. See the story ‘Wild West Willy Rides Again’ in the book Selby’s Secret.

  S

  PRESENTS OF MIND

  It was a perfect Christmas morning after a wonderful Christmas Eve.

  Selby sat next to the Trifles’ Christmas tree, which glimmered with sparkling lights and ornaments. Under the branches were piles of neatly wrapped presents. Selby had read their tags over and over again and had even picked some up and shaken them gently.

  ‘I wish I had X-ray vision. Then I could see what everyone is getting,’ Selby thought. ‘But what am I thinking? That would spoil the fun.’

  There were two presents that Selby didn’t have to see inside. They were wrapped with candy-striped bows and had little cards with angels on them. One card said, ‘To Mrs Trifle’, and the other, ‘To Dr Trifle’. Both were signed, ‘With love from Santa’. Both were from Selby himself.

  ‘They’ll never guess who they’re really from. I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces.’ Selby glanced at the kitchen clock. ‘When are they going to get up and open their prezzies? Every Christmas they get up later and later. This is torture!’

  The night before had been the most exciting night of Selby’s life and now it was the perfect Christmas morning. But, like most perfect things, it hadn’t just happened by accident. No, there had been clever planning, and Selby had been through stress, heartache, anger, confusion and a huge amount of frustration.

  To explain, let’s go back two weeks to when …

  Dr Trifle was reaching for a book on the top shelf of the bookcase.

  ‘You need a footstool,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Why don’t you make one?’

  ‘I don’t have time,’ Dr Trifle said, nudging the book with one finger. ‘I just wish I was taller.’

  ‘And I wish I had a lovely scarf like this one,’ Mrs Trifle said, pointing to a picture in her magazine. ‘Before we know it, winter will be here again and I don’t have a scarf.’

  Selby lay nearby, watching the Trifles.

  ‘And I wish I could buy them both some prezzies,’ he thought. ‘I’d buy Dr Trifle a footstool and Mrs Trifle a lovely warm scarf.’

  Mrs Trifle picked up a stack of junk mail that had just arrived.

  ‘We get so much rubbish at this time of year. Bargains. Christmas specials. Free this and free that,’ she said, throwing it all into the wastepaper basket.

  ‘Did you say free?’ Dr Trifle asked.

  ‘Nothing’s ever free,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘They want you to buy something to get something else free — something that you don’t need. I do love Christmas but I don’t like all the silly mail we get.’

  ‘Speaking of silly,’ Selby thought, noticing a woman walking her dog outside, ‘that is seriously silly.’

  The dog had been dressed in a little red blanket with white trim and on its head was a little Santa cap.

  ‘Why do people do these things to their dogs?’ Selby thought.

  ‘Oh look!’ Mrs Trifle said, also catching sight of the dog. ‘A dog in a Santa outfit! Isn’t that funny?’

  ‘Some people really get into the Christmas spirit,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I guess she wants to get everyone’s attention. She’s certainly got ours. See, even Selby’s looking.’

  ‘So he is,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Now finish what you’re doing, dear. We’re going to the city to buy presents for Jetty and Willy and Billy, remember?’

  ‘I really wish I could give the Trifles some presents,’ Selby thought after they were gone. ‘But I’m only a dog and I don’t have any money. Maybe I could make something. Like a scarf for Mrs Trifle and a footstool for Dr Trifle. How hard could it be? Hey, I’m going to do it!’

  Selby dashed to the workroom and looked through a pile of books.

  ‘This is weird,’ he thought. ‘Dr Trifle doesn’t have a nice easy do-it-yourself book that tells you how to make a footstool. All he’s got are books like Making Thrust-Booster Engines and How to Make an Ultra-Light Animal Robot. Oh well, here’s some bits of timber. Who needs instructions?’

  Selby sawed off a piece of board and cut four legs and nailed them to the bottom.

  ‘A little wobbly,’ he thought as he stood on it. ‘The legs must be different lengths. I’ll soon fix that.’

  Selby sawed a bit off the longest leg. But the stool was still wobbly so now he sawed a bit off the new longest leg. He did this over and over again.

  ‘Perfect,’ he said, standing on the stool. ‘It’s as solid as a rock. The only problem is it’s too short to be any good. Forget the footstool for now. I’ll make Mrs Trifle’s scarf.’

  Selby got out Mrs Trifle’s knitting needles and some balls of wool, and then found the scarf chapter in Knitting For Ninnies. Two terrible hours later he had wool wound around all four paws and even around his head — but no scarf.

  ‘I feel
like a sheep!’ he cried. ‘I look like one too! This is worse than making a stool! I give up. I know, I’ll make a Christmas cake for the two of them.’

  Selby searched through the cookery books.

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ he sighed. ‘There are no dessert books. But maybe there’s something in one of those Christmas magazines.’

  Selby soon found the recipe he was looking for and, by the time several hours had passed, he’d made the most beautiful Christmas cake ever. Soon it was wrapped in cellophane and was under the Christmas tree. He’d just put a card on it when he heard a voice.

  ‘Sister, oi it’s me!’

  Selby turned to see the terrible sight of Aunt Jetty. He quickly ducked behind the lounge.

  ‘They must be out,’ Jetty said. ‘Look at all the lovely prezzies. Oh, I like a Christmas cake.’ She picked it up and read Selby’s tag. ‘Hmm, “To the Trifles, from Santa”. Probably from the Council.’

  Selby watched as Jetty slid the ribbon off and undid the wrapping.

  ‘What’s she doing?!’ Selby thought. ‘That’s not for her!’

  ‘Just a tiny little crumb to see what it tastes like,’Jetty snickered.

  Jetty’s idea of a tiny little crumb was a rather large chunk, which she popped into her mouth.

  ‘Mmmm, nice,’ she said. ‘Someone’s a very good cook.’

  ‘And that someone is watching you,’ Selby thought. ‘I hope she doesn’t eat any more.’

  Aunt Jetty ate another chunk and then another, until half the Christmas cake was gone.

  ‘Oh well, I’ve left them half a Christmas cake,’Jetty said. ‘No, that doesn’t look right. But, with all these presents, I’m sure they won’t miss just one.’

  With this, Aunt Jetty grabbed the rest of the cake and slipped out the door.

  ‘She did it again!’ Selby thought. ‘I didn’t even get a bite for myself. And there’s not enough time left to make another one! What am I going to do now?’

  The next day, Selby’s problem was solved in an unexpected way. And it was Aunt Jetty who solved it — although she didn’t know it.

  Selby was out for a walk, wondering if he could ever find presents for the Trifles, when he noticed a sign in front of Aunt Jetty’s house that said: