Selby's Shemozzle

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  Now You See Me

  Selby’s Shemozzle

  Selby’s Stash of Cash

  Selby and the Chocolate Factory

  The Shemozzle Bird

  Sylvia’s Secret

  You Lucky Dog,You!

  The Blood of the Wolfman

  Seeing-Eye Selby

  Dry-Mouth Drama

  Selby’s Secret Diary

  See-Through Selby

  See-Through Selby’s Return

  See-Through Selby’s Return (Again)

  See-Through Me

  Appendix 1

  Now You Don’t

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  By the Same Author

  Author’s Notes

  Copyright

  Now You See Me

  Selby’s Shemozzle

  Selby was lying on his mat in the Trifles’ house when he heard a familiar voice.

  ‘This tape has some of the jokes for my new show,’ said Gary Gaggs, the Trifles’ old friend and favourite comedian. ‘Do you want to hear some?’

  ‘I’d love to,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Me too!’ Selby thought as Gary started the tape player. ‘I just love this guy’s jokes.’

  ‘Okay, here goes … A fellow goes to a doctor and the doctor listens to his chest and says, “There’s something ticking in there.” And the guy says, “I know, I swallowed a clock.” And the doctor says, “Why didn’t you tell me that straightaway?” And the guy says, “Because I didn’t want to alarm you.”’

  ‘Oh, I get it,’ Selby thought. ‘Alarm you. It was an alarm clock. That’s great!’

  ‘I said to a friend of mine, I said, “Cheer up. Things could be worse.” So he cheered up and, sure enough, things got worse. Woo woo woo!’ Gary added, as he often did at the end of a joke. ‘A burglar broke into my house last night. I pulled out a gun and said, “Take one more step and I’ll let you have it!” He took another step so I let him have it. What was I going to do with that old gun anyway?’

  ‘I don’t get it,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh! Oh! Oh! Now I do! He let him have it. He let him have the gun. Oh, Gary, that’s great!’

  ‘That’s a good one, Gary,’ Mrs Trifle said with a laugh.

  ‘A mother says to her son, “I’m going to make you eat your words!” And the kid says, “How can you do that?” And she says, “We’re having alphabet soup for lunch. “Woo woo woo! But seriously, folks, an astronaut is about to step down onto the moon. A little green alien comes running up and says, “Go away! You can’t land here! “And the astronaut says, “Why not?” So the alien says, “Because the moon is full.” Woo woo woo! The other day I was in an art gallery and this lady said to a guard, “That painting over there of a woman is the ugliest painting I’ve ever seen!” And the guard said, “I hate to tell you this, lady, but that’s not a painting — it’s a mirror.”’

  ‘Oh, she was looking at herself!’ Selby thought. ‘This guy cracks me up. But I’ve got to keep from laughing or I’ll give away my secret!’

  ‘But seriously, folks,’ Gary’s tape continued, ‘a girl bought a rubber piano. She wanted to play in a rubber band.’

  Gary stopped the tape player.

  ‘Do you like the jokes?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, but that last one was terrible!’ Mrs Trifle said with a laugh. ‘By the way, is this show coming here, to Bogusville?’

  ‘Are you kidding? They hate me here.’

  ‘They don’t hate you, Gary. They’re just afraid you’ll tell your killer joke again. I’m so glad we didn’t go to that show.’

  ‘Me too,’ Selby thought.

  ‘Don’t remind me,’ said Gary with a sigh. ‘What a shemozzle. Half the audience landed in hospital from laughing too hard. And the rest of them ripped their pants. I couldn’t even stop laughing myself.’

  ‘You laughed at your own joke?’

  ‘It was very, very funny. And I hadn’t heard the punchline before.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘It’s a strange thing, being a comedian,’ Gary explained. ‘Sometimes you’re telling a joke and your mouth takes over. It’s like it has a mind of its own.’

  ‘A mind of its own?’

  ‘Yes. I’d told that joke lots of times before, but this time, just when I was about to say the punchline, suddenly I said something that was a thousand times funnier. It turned into a killer joke. For weeks afterwards I laughed every time I thought of it. In the end I had to make a recording of the joke and just listen to it over and over again till it wore off.’

  ‘I’m so glad I didn’t hear it,’ said Mrs Trifle. ‘Speaking of your new show — are you going to tell that elephant and mouse joke? You told it to us once at dinner, remember?’

  ‘No, I’ve never been able to make that joke work. I’ve changed it and changed it but it’s still not funny enough.’

  ‘Well, I thought it was sweet. Will you tell it now?’

  ‘Tell it, Gary,’ Selby thought. ‘I liked it too.’

  ‘Okay. An elephant and a mouse are walking down the street. The mouse says, “I hate being small. I’d love to be big like you.” And the elephant says, “You could be big like me if you wanted to. Here’s what you do. First find the nut of the jub-jub tree and bring it to me.” “Is that all I have to do?” “Yes, but the nearest jub-jub tree is a long way away and the nuts are very heavy.” “No problem,” says the mouse, “I’ll roll it back.” And the elephant says, “You’ll have to go through lion country.” “I’ll do it,” says the mouse. “And you’ll have to cross a river full of crocodiles.” “No problem,” the mouse says. So off the mouse goes …’

  Selby listened as the elephant and mouse joke went on and on. Finally Gary got to the punchline: ‘“Okay,” the elephant says, “so now we’re both nuts but I’m still tall.”’

  ‘That’s a lovely joke,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Thanks. But it didn’t make you laugh.’

  ‘It’s just me. I’m not in a laughing mood. I’m too worried about the speech I have to give on the radio tomorrow.’

  ‘What’s it about?’

  ‘I have to tell the people of Bogusville that they’re going to close our hospital.’

  ‘That’s awful!’

  ‘I know. The Health Department says that Bogusville is too small to have its own hospital. From now on, if anyone gets sick they’ll have to go to Poshfield Hospital.’

  ‘So why are you worried about your speech? It’s not your fault they’re closing the hospital.’

  ‘I always get nervous when I talk on the radio. And when I get nervous I make mistakes.’

  ‘Well, then,’ Gary said, putting a blank tape into the tape player, ‘record your speech till you get it right. Then give it to the radio station to

  play.’

  ‘Gary, you’re a genius!’ said Mrs Trifle.

  * * *

  That afternoon, Mrs Trifle recorded her speech over and over again.

  ‘She’s almost got it right,’ Selby thought, ‘but listening to it is driving me nuts. I’ve got to get out of here.’

  Selby left the house and went walking along Bogusville Creek, practising some of Gary’s jokes in his best Gary Gaggs voice: ‘But seriously, folks,’ he said. ‘A guy in a restaurant says to the waiter, “I can’t eat this soup.” The waiter says, “I’ll get the manager.” So the guy says to the manager, “I can’t eat this soup.” The manager says, “I’ll get the owner.” So the guy says to the owner, “I can’t eat this soup.” The owner says, “I’ll get the cook.” The guy says to the cook, “I can’t eat this soup.” The cook says, “Why not?” So the guy says, “Because I don’t have a spoon.” Woo woo woo!’

  ‘It
was funnier when Gary told it,’ Selby thought. ‘Now how did that elephant and mouse joke go? “An elephant and a mouse are walking down the street. The mouse says …”’

  When Selby got to the end of the joke and was about to say Gary’s punchline, something strange happened. It was as if Selby’s mouth had a mind of its own. Suddenly a completely different punchline came out.

  Selby stopped in his tracks. ‘That is so incredibly funny,’ he thought in the split second before he started laughing uncontrollably.

  He doubled up and fell to the ground, pounding his paws in the dirt.

  ‘That is sooooooo funny!’ he cried. ‘That’s the funniest joke I’ve ever heard — and I made it up myself! I’m a real comedian! Oh! Oh! Oh! My tummy is hurting from laughing.’

  Selby shrieked with laughter again and rolled on the ground. Tears streamed down his face. For what seemed like hours he shouted and groaned and writhed in helpless laughter. Finally he picked himself up, his throat raw and sore, but he was still laughing faintly.

  ‘I have to go home,’ he gasped, ‘or the Trifles will worry.’

  With weak and wobbly legs, Selby dragged himself back towards home. The sun was setting behind Gumboot Mountain. Finally his laughter stopped — and then …

  ‘Oh, no!’ he thought. ‘It doesn’t look like a gumboot at all! It looks like an elephant! Oh! Oh! Oh! The mouse and the elephant!’

  Once again Selby found himself on the ground screeching with laughter. By the time he got home he’d finally stopped.

  Three times that night Selby woke himself up with his own laughter. In the morning he could hear Mrs Trifle talking on the telephone.

  ‘I don’t know what you heard,’ she was telling someone, ‘but it can’t have been an escaped hyena, because Bogusville Zoo has never had a hyena. But don’t worry, the police are looking into it.’

  ‘It was me!’ Selby thought. ‘I have to get that joke out of my head.’

  As soon as the Trifles left the house, Selby dashed to the tape recorder and turned Mrs Trifle’s tape around.

  ‘I’ll do what Gary did. I’ll record the joke and listen to it till I’m sick of it.’

  Selby recorded the joke using his best Gary Gaggs voice, to make it as funny as possible. Then he played the tape over and over again. After a while his laughter stopped.

  ‘I’m cured!’ Selby thought. ‘And just in time. Here come the Trifles!’

  Selby quickly turned the tape around again and lay down.

  ‘Time to catch up on my sleep,’ he thought.

  Hours later, Selby awoke to the sound of Dr Trifle’s voice.

  ‘You should be on right now,’ Dr Trifle said, turning on the radio.

  ‘And now,’ the radio announcer said, ‘we have the very important message from Mayor Trifle that I’ve been telling you about. Here goes.’

  But the voice that came on the radio wasn’t Mrs Trifle’s.

  ‘An elephant and a mouse are walking down the street,’ it said. ‘The mouse says, “I hate being small. I’d love to be big like you …”’

  ‘That’s not me,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘It’s Gary Gaggs. They’re playing the wrong tape.’

  ‘Oh, no,’ Selby groaned in his head. ‘That’s not Gary — it’s me telling Gary’s joke with my killer punchline! They’re playing the wrong side of the tape!’

  ‘Should we ring the radio station?’ asked Dr Trifle.

  ‘No, no,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Not till the joke is over. It’s a cute joke. It’ll put everyone in a good mood for my announcement.’

  ‘I can’t stand it,’ Selby screamed in his brain. ‘Everyone in Bogusville is listening! I’ve got to get out of here!’

  It was a sad and lonely dog who walked along the streets of Bogusville, watching as people staggered, screaming with laughter, from their houses. And all around town there was hideous howling like the sound of a herd of escaped hyenas. Selby watched helplessly as people crawled along the footpaths, gasping for breath, and laughing ambulance officers tried to lift people onto stretchers.

  ‘Oh woe woe woe,’ Selby groaned as a jogger, blinded by his own tears, ran off the side of a bridge and straight into Bogusville Creek. ‘What a shemozzle! And poor Gary is going to get the blame. I’ll never ever think up another joke as long as I live. Oh, this is the saddest day of my life.’

  Fortunately, no one died because of Selby’s killer joke. A few people tumbled out of bed or off toilets, and Melanie Mildew fell out of a tree while she was picking apples. Postie Paterson laughed so much that he cried and for days he delivered the wrong mail to the wrong houses. Mrs Trifle laughed so hard that she started hiccupping and couldn’t stop. And Aunt Jetty swallowed her false teeth. But no one was badly hurt — which was lucky, because the doctors and nurses at the hospital were laughing too hard to help anyone.

  A month later, when Selby was still feeling guilty, he heard Mrs Trifle say to Dr Trifle, ‘Good news — they’ve decided not to close Bogusville Hospital after all.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because it was suddenly very busy. Do you realise that three thousand patients went to hospital last month?’

  ‘Really? Oh yes,’ Dr Trifle said with a laugh, ‘the joke injuries.’

  ‘So they’re keeping the hospital open, after all!’ Selby thought. ‘That’s great! And to think it’s all because of me. I’m a hero!’

  ‘And to think,’ said Mrs Trifle, ‘it’s all because of Gary. When he gets back he’ll be a hero.’

  ‘Did you see that?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Selby was lying there as quiet as a mouse and suddenly his ears went up. It was almost as if he was listening to us.’

  ‘Did you say a mouse?’ Mrs Trifle asked, a smile spreading across her face. ‘That reminds me of the elephant and mouse joke.’

  ‘Me too!’ Dr Trifle hooted with laughter. ‘Oh, the elephant and the mouse! Oh, that’s so funny!’

  ‘I’m getting out of here before I start laughing too,’ Selby thought. ‘This has gone beyond a joke!’

  Paw note: Duncan mentioned this in the ‘Author’s Note’ at the beginning of Selby’s Side-Splitting Joke Book.

  S

  Author’s note: See the whole of Selby’s killer joke in Appendix 1 on page 162.

  Selby’s Stash of Cash

  ‘This is very strange,’ Mrs Trifle said to Dr Trifle. ‘I thought I’d spent all my money, but I just found a new twenty-dollar note in my wallet. It’s the third time this week it’s happened. Have you been putting money in there?’

  ‘No. Come to think of it, yesterday I was sure I’d spent my last ten dollars, but today I saw that I still have twenty dollars left.’

  ‘Well, either we’re getting very forgetful,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘or we have a guardian angel who’s giving us money.’

  ‘You do,’ Selby thought, ‘and I’m him — guardian angel Selby. It’s so nice to be able to give the Trifles a little back in return for all their kindness to me.’

  Suddenly there was music and wavy lines in the air as Selby thought back to how all this had started, that moment when the money had magically appeared …

  It was a happy dog who strolled along the banks of Bogusville Creek when suddenly — 'Ouch!' — he stubbed his toe on a half-buried biscuit tin.

  ‘A half-buried biscuit tin,’ he thought as he dug it out of the ground. ‘That can mean only one thing — biscuits! And not those horrible Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits, but scrummy people biscuits!’

  Selby prised off the lid and his heart sank.

  ‘No biscuits. Just a bit of money.’

  For one terrible second Selby thought of burying the tin again.

  ‘Hang on. Did I say money? Yes, I think I did. Money! It’s a pile of twenty-dollar notes! A stack of smackeroos! A dollop of dough! A lovely mass of moolah! Yippppeeeee! I’m rich!’

  Selby started to throw the money up in the air, the way people do in movies, but then thought better of it.

  ‘Well, it isn’t that much,’ he thought, thu
mbing through it. ‘I wonder who could have hidden it here? Oh well, finders keepers.’

  Selby lay on his mat that night wondering what to buy.

  ‘I can’t think of anything I need,’ he thought. ‘A new bowl? A new mat? The Trifles give me everything I need. Hey! That’s it! I’ll give it to the Trifles. They’re always short of cash.’

  And so it was that Selby got the idea to secretly slip a little bit of money into the Trifles’ wallets every night when they were sleeping.

  ‘I’ll stash the rest of the cash in that mess in the corner of Dr Trifle’s workroom. That would be the last place anyone would look for anything.’

  The wavy lines came and went away, leaving a slightly smiling guardian angel dog lying happily in the Trifles’ lounge room once again.

  ‘Goodness me, look at the time!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed. ‘Postie Paterson and Melanie Mildew are due at any minute to get some of my bread dough.’

  ‘Everyone loves your new recipe. You ought to open a bakery,’ said Dr Trifle. ‘Did you just hear something?’

  ‘Yes, there’s some sort of commotion in the street.’

  Mrs Trifle opened the curtains to see a huge group of police running down the street. Behind them were police cars and police vans and police helicopters were circling overhead.

  ‘It’s some kind of raid!’ Dr Trifle exclaimed. ‘They must be after a gang of hardened criminals.’

  ‘Uh-oh,’ Selby thought as the police turned into the Trifles’ driveway. ‘They must have the wrong address! This is scary!’

  ‘Come out with your hands up, Mayor Trifle!’ the police captain yelled. ‘We’ve got the house surrounded! And don’t try any funny business.’

  Dr and Mrs Trifle looked at each other.

  ‘What’ll we do?’ said Dr Trifle.

  ‘We’d better do as they say,’ Mrs Trifle answered.

  Mrs Trifle opened the door and stepped out with her hands in the air. Dr Trifle followed closely behind.

  ‘If it’s about that overdue library book,’ she said, ‘I can explain everything.’

  ‘It’s not about overdue library books,’ the police captain said. ‘I think you know what it’s about — funny money.’