Selby Splits

  For Jasper, the cat

  (Just in case you’re secretly reading this book)

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  REFLECTING

  SELBY SPIDERDOG

  DEAR DEIRDRE

  O BUM, O BUM

  CLOUD BLASTER

  THE TOMB OF THE DANCING DEAD

  SELBY’S (GREAT) EXPECTATIONS

  THE WORM

  NEAT STREETS

  SELBY’S NEW YORK ADVENTURE

  STICKS AND STONES

  MADAME MASCARA’S PASSION POTION

  MY ITCH ATTACK

  SELBY SURVIVES

  SANTA SELBY

  O HANDSOME ME

  SELBY SPLITS

  THROUGH THE LICKING-GLASS

  About the Author

  BY THE SAME AUTHOR

  Copyright

  REFLECTING

  SELBY SPIDERDOG

  ‘This spider doesn’t rock,’ Postie Paterson said, holding up the glass case with the huge spider in it.‘That’s why the spider expert is coming to have a look at her.’

  ‘Is she supposed to rock?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘Yes. Amy is an Amazon Rocking Spider. Rocking spiders rock. They rock back and forth before they pounce. Amy just sits there and twitches. She hasn’t rocked since we got her. Do you want a closer look?’ Postie said, opening the case and grabbing Amy by the back. ‘She’s the most valuable animal we have in the zoo.’

  ‘Please keep her away from me!’ Mrs Trifle said.‘I have that a-rack-nose thing.’

  ‘Is there something wrong with your nose? Oh, I get it — you’ve got arachnophobia. You’re afraid of spiders.’

  ‘Petrified,’ said Mrs Trifle. ‘Especially of big black hairy ones with tufts of orange fur sticking out all over the place and beady black eyes that stare at you.’

  ‘In other words, like Amy here,’ Postie said. ‘Don’t worry, Amy’s harmless. She might have a go at small animals with those fangs of hers but nothing as big as a human.’

  ‘Just keep the bolt on the top of that case closed,’ Mrs Trifle said.‘Now you’d better get on with your letter deliveries. I’ll pick up this spider expert from the airport. What’s the woman’s name again?’

  ‘How could you forget — it’s Dr Webb. Dr Charlotte Webb.’

  ‘See you back here later,’ Mrs Trifle said.‘Just put Amy in the study.’

  ‘Sheeeeeeesh!’ Selby thought after Postie and Mrs Trifle had gone. ‘I hate spiders too! I don’t even like little ones and this one’s ginormous!’

  Selby opened the door to the study and peered in at Amy.

  ‘Postie put the case right behind the chair,’ he thought. ‘I’ll have to move it to pull the chair out and get to the computer. I haven’t answered any emails for yonks but now’s the perfect time because the Trifles are both out.’

  Selby crouched down.

  ‘Those tiny eyes — sheeeeesh! — they’re staring straight at me! They’re burning holes in me. Stop looking at me.’

  Selby put his paw out to push the case back. Amy gave a twitch. The moment Selby’s paw touched the case, she leapt at it, hitting the glass and bouncing back.

  ‘Yikes!’ Selby gasped. ‘She went for me! But what am I scared of she’s in there and I’m out here.’

  Selby reached out and slid the case along the floor. Once again, Amy had a go at him through the glass. But this time Selby kept pushing.

  ‘Nya nya. Serves you right if you hurt yourself,’ Selby sang.

  Selby jumped up onto the chair, swivelled around and turned on the computer.

  ‘Now to check my emails. Let’s see what the kiddies have to say.’

  What Selby didn’t notice when he swivelled the chair around was that part of the back of the chair had caught the bolt at the top of Amy’s case. That would have been okay except it slid the bolt sideways, unlocking the top of the case.

  Inside, Amy gave a shudder and then a twitch. Then a furry black leg quietly pushed up the top of the case. This leg was followed by another and another. Soon four of Amy’s eight legs were hooked over the edge of the case. Her beady eyes stared up at the back of Selby’s chair.

  As Selby read his first email, he had no idea that a large hairy creature was creeping its way up the back of his chair.

  ‘Oh, I love getting emails from kids,’ Selby thought. ‘It makes me feel soooooooooo famous. Let’s see what this one says.’

  DEAR SELBY,

  I LOVE YOUR BOOKS AND I LOVE YOU TOO. YOU ARE MY VERY FAVOURITE DOG IN THE WHOLE WORLD.COULD YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE — PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP — TELL ME YOUR REAL NAME AND WHERE YOU REALLY LIVE? (I PROMISE I WON’T TELL ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!)

  FROM YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN, AMY

  Selby had a little chuckle over the girl’s name and then started typing an email back.

  HIYA AMY,

  THANX FOR YOUR EMAIL. I’D LOVE TO TELL YOU MY REAL NAME BUT I CAN’T. SOME DAY YOU MIGHT TALK IN YOUR SLEEP AND SOMEBODY MIGHT HEAR YOU AND THEN THEY’D KNOW MY NAME AND THEY’D FIND ME AND MY PEACEFUL LIFE WOULD BE RUINED FOREVER.

  By now Amy was on the back of Selby’s chair, reaching out with one leg towards his back. Selby kept typing very slowly with one claw at a time.

  AND, HEY, GUESS WHAT? YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE THIS BUT THERE’S ANOTHER AMY HERE. ONLY THIS AMY IS A BIG HAIRY —

  Suddenly one of Amy’s legs touched Selby’s back.

  ‘What’s that?’ he thought. ‘It feels like something is crawling on me. No, that’s silly. I’ve got myself so scared of spiders that now I’m feeling things. Let’s see about this email now … Hmmm, no, that definitely does feel like something on my back. Don’t panic. Just turn around slowly and have a —’

  ‘Yeeeooouuuwww!’ Selby screamed.

  Selby jumped forward onto the desk, throwing Amy onto the floor.

  ‘Get back in your box!’ he yelled.‘I’ve got to get out of here!’

  Selby was about to make a dash for the door when Amy leapt up in the air.

  ‘She was going to grab me!’ Selby squealed. ‘The little devil is stalking me!’

  Selby jumped in the other direction: over the computer and onto the windowsill.

  ‘I’ll get out through the window,’ he thought, ‘then I’ll run around the house and close the study door and she’ll be trapped in here.’

  While Selby struggled with the window he glanced over his shoulder. There, on the floor, was the dark shape of the spider coming towards him.

  ‘The window’s stuck!’ Selby cried.‘I can’t get it open!’

  Amy twitched and then leapt straight towards Selby. Selby, seeing the huge hairy spider hurtling towards him, leapt even higher, grabbing the light globe that dangled from the ceiling.

  ‘This is crazy,’ Selby thought. ‘She’s got me acting like a spider!’

  Selby swung forward, falling to the ground. Then, in a single bound he was out the door and holding it firmly closed.

  ‘Okay, she’s trapped now,’ he thought. ‘I’m sure the spiderwoman will be able to get her back in her case. No one will ever know that it was my fault that the case got unlocked. They’ll just think that Amy twitched a lot and the bolt slid open or something.’

  Selby heaved a sigh of relief.

  ‘Oops, the computer’s still on. They’ll know that it was me who turned it on. Who else could have done it? They’ll know I’m not just an ordinary non-talking, non-computer-turning-on-ing dog. But, hang on, Amy could have jumped on the keyboard and turned it on.’

  Selby was just heaving a second sigh when something else occurred to him.

  ‘My secret email account is on the screen! The Trifles might work out that I’m a talking, typing, emailing dog who uses the secret name “Selby”! I’ve got to turn the computer off.�
��

  As Selby’s mind raced, a thick black leg made its way under the bottom of the door. This leg was followed by another and another. Then, hearing the quiet scraping sound that huge black spiders with tufts of orange hair make when they squeeze under doors, Selby looked down to see Amy.

  ‘Yowza!’ Selby screamed as Amy chased him through the dining room and into the kitchen.

  Selby grabbed the only thing he could reach — a plastic mixing bowl — and threw it over Amy.

  ‘Gotcha!’ Selby said. ‘Now all I need is something to slide under the bowl so I can carry you back to your case.’

  Selby was searching through a cupboard when he noticed the bowl making its way across the floor.

  ‘Hey! Come back here!’ Selby cried.

  Selby leapt on the bowl only to have it start moving again, this time with him riding on top.

  ‘I’m surfing a spider! Save me! Stop!’ he cried.

  The bowl went faster and faster until it hit the corner of a carpet, turning over and throwing Selby on his back on the floor. Selby looked up to see Amy sitting on his chest.

  ‘Get off me!’ he screamed, shaking her off and grabbing a broom.

  Selby held the broom out to keep Amy away. Instead she slowly climbed onto the end of it.

  ‘Good one,’ Selby thought. ‘I’ll just carry her to the study.’

  In the study, Selby put the end of the broom with Amy on it into the case.

  ‘Okay you can let go now,’ he said, giving the broom a little shake.

  But instead of letting go, Amy suddenly ran up the broom handle towards Selby’s paws. Without thinking, Selby gave the broom an almighty swing, flinging Amy back into the dining room where she scurried away.

  ‘Come back here!’ Selby yelled. ‘Okay, no more Mr-Nice-picking-you-gently-up-with-the-broom-Dog. It’s whammo blammo smasho time. I don’t care if you’re worth a million dollars, I’m going to get you back in that case even if you’re unconscious. Here, spidey spidey.’

  Selby searched everywhere for the spider but she was nowhere to be found.

  ‘Mrs Trifle and the spiderwoman will be back soon. I’d better at least turn off the computer. Hang on, maybe I can find out something about Amazon Rocking Spiders from a website that’ll help me catch Amy. A spider with a website,’ he thought, chuckling to himself.‘That’s a good one.’

  Sure enough, within seconds, Selby was reading the Amazon Rocking Spider web page.

  ‘… very rare … hunts by day … loves insects and other small animals … won’t attack humans … very territorial … Nothing here,’ Selby said to himself as he turned off the computer.‘Very territorial? They don’t like other animals in their territory. That’s it!’

  Selby climbed into Amy’s case and pulled the lid closed. Soon a hairy leg — and then seven more hairy legs — came into the study.

  ‘I’m in your case,’ he sang out. ‘And I’m not coming out.’

  In a minute, Amy was there, looking at him through the glass just millimetres from his nose.

  ‘It worked. Now to do the old switcheroo.’

  Selby slowly lifted the lid of the case and stepped out.

  ‘So you won’t have a go at a human, Amy?’ he said.

  With this Selby stood up on his hind legs and stretched himself up as high as he could. Amy flattened herself to the ground.

  ‘Oh, so now you’re afraid of me,’ Selby said in his deepest voice.‘Okay, back you go.’

  Selby reached down and grabbed Amy just the way he’d seen Postie pick her up.

  ‘Why didn’t I think of that before?’ he wondered as he closed the study door, just as Mrs Trifle and Dr Webb came home. ‘Ouch, Amy scratched me!’

  ‘She’s in here,’ Mrs Trifle said, leading the spider expert into the study.

  ‘Just as I thought,’ the woman said. ‘After Mr Paterson told me about her on the phone, I realised why she wasn’t rocking. She’s not sick, she’s just not an Amazon Rocking Spider.’

  ‘Isn’t she?’

  ‘No, she’s a close relative, though: an Amazon Twitching Spider, the deadliest spider on earth.’

  ‘Goodness me!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed. ‘And Postie touched her.’

  ‘He’s lucky to be alive then. One tiny scratch from this little beastie and things begin to happen.’

  ‘Gulp,’ Selby thought.‘What sorts of things?’

  ‘What sorts of things?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘First there’s the tingling —’

  ‘Tingling?’ Selby thought. ‘But I’m tingling all over!’

  ‘Then there’s a numbness that creeps up the legs —’

  ‘I can feel it!’ Selby screamed silently. ‘It’s creeping up my legs!’

  ‘After that the throat seizes up and you gasp for breath —’

  ‘What a coincidence,’ Mrs Trifle said,‘Selby is gasping for breath right now. Then what happens?’

  ‘You sweat. Your body freezes, then death follows,’ the woman said.

  ‘Selby is dripping with sweat,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘If I didn’t know better I’d have thought he’d been bitten by that spider. What a riot.’

  ‘Riot schmiot!’ Selby thought.‘I’m frozen. I’m dying and it’s all my fault! And all because I wanted to answer my emails. Now I’ve got to talk to Mrs Trifle. In the few minutes I have left on this earth, I want to thank her and Dr Trifle for everything they’ve done for me. I’ve decided — I’m going to talk.’

  Selby looked up at Mrs Trifle and Dr Webb. He was about to say, ‘Sorry to shock you like this, but I have to tell you that I know how to talk — and read and write. But I just made a silly mistake and Amy bit me, so I guess it’s hello and goodbye,’ when Mrs Trifle got in first and said:

  ‘How long does it take for a spider like Amy to kill someone?’

  ‘Five seconds,’ the spiderwoman said. ‘Six seconds, tops. Nobody’s ever made it past seven.’

  ‘Five, six, seven seconds?’ Selby thought as his breathing returned to normal. ‘It’s already been at least a minute. I haven’t been bitten! I’m going to live!’

  ‘Poor old thing,’ Mrs Trifle said, stroking Selby.‘I think he was having a bad dream.’

  ‘You’re not wrong,’ Selby thought. ‘This spider business has been a real nightmare.’

  Paw note: This is my own invention — a question comma! You can use it in the middle of a sentence. Look for question commas and exclamation commas in this book. S

  DEAR DEIRDRE

  ‘I just love to read the “Dear Deirdre” column,’ Selby thought as he secretly read the back page of the Bogusville Banner. ‘Deirdre is so good the way she answers questions about people’s problems. She really understands.’

  That day there was a letter from a man who lived with his old mother. His girlfriend wanted to marry him but didn’t want to live with his mother. At the end of the letter, instead of signing his name, he wrote ‘Don’t Know What To Do’.

  Deirdre answered:

  Dear Don’t Know What To Do,

  Is it possible for you and your future wife to live near your mother? If so, tell your mother that you will continue to look after her but that you must be with the woman you love. Talk to her. She will understand that, like a young bird in a nest, there comes a time when we have to spread our wings and fly.

  Deirdre

  ‘Spread our wings and fly,’ Selby thought. ‘Deirdre is so wonderful. She’s so sensitive. I just love her!’

  ‘Hey, you filthy dog! Get off that newspaper!’

  Selby raised his head to see the huge shape of Aunt Jetty towering above him. But before he could move, she’d whipped the Bogusville Banner out from under him.

  ‘Jetty,’ Mrs Trifle said to her sister. ‘Be nice to Selby’

  ‘I’m sorry, but the Slaghaven Slugs thrashed the Poshtield Poteroos yesterday,’ Aunt Jetty explained. ‘I want to see what Jock Bashem has to say about it.’

  Aunt Jetty read Jock Bashem’s ‘Time Out’ column to hersel
f and giggled as she read.

  ‘Hey, listen to this,’ she said to her sister.‘“The Poteroos were dead meat for a savage Slugs side. From the minute Crasher Asher bounced off the bench screaming for Poteroo blood, the Pots knew they’d end up with their brains in their boots. At the end of the fifteen-nil slaughter there was nothing left of the losers but arms and legs strewn around the field.” Isn’t that great!’

  ‘Goodness,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Were there just arms and legs lying around?’

  ‘No, of course not. But don’t you love the way Jock writes? It’s — it’s poetry!’

  ‘I’ve never been much for sport,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Well I adore him,’ Aunt Jetty squealed. ‘There’s a real man — my kind of man. I’m going to race right home and email him. I’ll tell him how much I love his column.’

  ‘Poet schmoet,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s about as sensitive as a meat cleaver.’

  Selby waited another week for another Bogusville Banner to read ‘Dear Deirdre’ again. This time there was a letter from a girl.

  Dear Deirdre,

  I am a teenage girl and I have a little sister. When I’m out of the house, she like puts on my make-up and that. I’m like, ‘Don’t do that!’ And she’s like, ‘You can’t stop me!’ And I’m like, ‘If you ever touch my lipstick, slugface, I’ll kill you!’ And she’s like, ‘Go ahead, I dare you.’ I want to kill her but my parents might get mad and that. Distressed

  ‘Hmmm,’ Selby hmmmed. ‘Now there’s a real problem. I wonder how Dear Deirdre will handle it. Let’s see now …’

  Dear Distressed,

  Don’t kill your sister. First of all it could be messy. And you might miss her one day. Stay calm and sit down with her and explain that cosmetics are very expensive. Tell her that you’ll give her some of her own on her next birthday but to please respect your personal property. I’m sure she’ll understand. If she doesn’t then buy a strong metal box, put your cosmetics in it and padlock it shut till your sister is older. Deirdre

  ‘She’s sooooooo good,’ Selby thought. ‘She’s funny but she’s also wise. I wonder what Deirdre looks like. I’m dying of curiosity. I reckon she’s tall and slim with long blonde hair. I’ll bet she’s gorgeous. Hey, I know, maybe I’ll just pop down to the Bogusville Banner and find out for myself.’